I'm All For Believing
by GraveDancer
Summary: What if Addison had never slept with Mark? A competely AU Meredith and Derek fanfiction. Also posted on the GA fanfic boards. Yes, obviously MD.
1. Like a Star Part 1

**Disclaimer: My boyfriend told me today that if he could buy Grey's Anatomy in a store, he'd get me that for Christmas. But he can't...so I have to settle for jewlery or something. Sheesh. Because owning Grey's would be cool. But I don't. I just borrow the characters occasionally.**

**So this is it. My new fanfic. And I'm really really excited for it. Really. **

**As I said at the end of my last one, this one in entirely AU. Basically it's a world where the interns started their internship, but Meredith didn't sleep with anyone the night before. And two months into their internship Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd comes into town for a consult, and her husband comes with her. Because Addison never slept with Mark. And Derek, well he meets Meredith. And stuff happens. You will see what. And this is obviously Meredith and Derek...though it will take a while to get to that point. But this is definitely Mer/Der.**

**As if I'd write anything else.**

**The title is I'm All for Believing by Missy Higgins. I'd post the lyrics but I'm a lazy bum. So go find them. Or download the song as it's amazing.**

**Enjoy!**

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Two months.

I had been a surgical intern at Seattle Grace Hospital for 2 months and I still wasn't used to the life I was now leading.

80 hour weeks. 48 hour shifts. No time for rest. And the little time I had off, should have been spent catching up on sleep, or at least with Ryan, the man who was willing to put up with my schedule. Instead I found myself spending it sitting in the bar across the street, with four people that I still couldn't believe I was actually friends with. Instead of sleeping away my nights, I was drowning them in tequilla. Which might have concerned me had the bar not been full of coworkers doing the exact same thing.

"Where's Ryan tonight?" George asked, sounding awkward as he always did when mentioning my boyfriend. George was the boy I would have laughed at in highschool.

"He didn't feel like coming out," I said with a shrug. Ryan didn't come out with us often. He didn't feel comfortable, something about them not being his people. I usually shrugged it off, but tonight something felt odd about him not being there.

"What? Did McAccountant need his sleep so he doesn't knock himself out punching numbers tomorrow?" Cristina said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Cristina was...well I would have been friends with her.

"He just didn't feel like the doctor scene tonight," I shrugged again.

"Dude, he's boring," Alex said. I adored Alex, Alex was the bad boy and I liked the bad boys.

"He's not boring," I tried to argue, but the argument sounded hollow, even to me. He wasn't boring, not really. Just not a surgeon, he didn't live from adrenalin highs. He didn't spend nights wide awake cutting into people. He didn't save lives. He just...wasn't a surgeon. That wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't. It was just different. But I loved Ryan. Ryan was good, Ryan was safe. He was always there when I needed him. And I love him, I did. So if he was a little boring, well, that's that.

"Be nice," Izzie scolded Alex. Izzie was the person I would have avoided in highschool, all perky and blonde and happy. "Did you hear who's coming in for a consult?" And gossipy.

"Who?" George asked, looking relieved to be off the subject of my absent other half.

"Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd."

'The gynie doctor?" Cristina asked, looking a little bored.

Izzie just nodded her head, excitedly.

"Who cares? Gynie squad is for wimps who sucked at surgery," Alex said with a sneer.

"Wonder if she's brining her husband," I heard in a voice that sounded a lot like my own.

Okay, that wasn't supposed to slip out. Stupid tequila. I had made myself this strict rule that I wasn't going to favour in speciality, at all. Until the moment I had to chose a specialty I was going to be neutral. Keep and open mind and all that junk. Because I didn't want everyone to know, I didn't know and I didn't want anyone to think they knew. I needed to try it all, to prove that I really could do this, that I really could live my own life outside my mother's shadow. So no specialty for me. But the neuro cases I had scrubed in on had been...amazing. So my supposedly neutral head started leaning one way, in a very big hard to ignore way. But I had promised I wouldn't say anything. Stupid tequila.

"Who's her husband?" George asked, sounding like the lovable slow kid that he was.

"Derek Shepherd. One of the top neurosurgeons," I heard myself say. Probably shouldn't have volunteered that information either. Stupid tequilla.

"I didn't know you were going neuro," Cristina asked with a raised eyebrow. That was the problem with best friends, they thought they knew you far too well.

"I'm not. I'm not. It's just, it's nothing," I said, trying to think of a way to change the subject. But the tequilla was slowing down my brain. Or the panic of them deciding I was going neuro was speeding it up. I wasn't sure which.

"Meredith..." Izzie started.

I cut her off. "I am not interested in neuro. Last week when I scrubbed in on the DBS I had to do some research, and his name came up in one of the journals. I was just wondering. It's nothing."

"Sure, it's nothing," Cristina said, sounding far too amused for my own good.

"I think I should probably get home to Ryan," I said, trying to change the subject.

"Mer, get your panties out of a bunch. We don't care that you like neuro. Just like we don't care that George is 007 and Izzie used to prounce around in her underwear. We don't care. You can have your fun with He-Shepherd," Cristina stated.

"My panties are not in a bunch," I started to argue but Alex cut me off.

"Oh, I believe they are. But I would be all to happy to fix them," Alex said, giving me what I has to assume was what he considered to be a sexy look.

I gave him a dirty look in return, and turned my attention back to Cristina. "There will be no fun with the He-Shepherd."

"That's what you say now," Cristina said, smirking at me.

I hated her. Right now, in this moment, I hated her.

"Meredith, that guy over there has been staring at you since he sat down," Izzie said breaking into our argument.

"What guy?" I asked turning around to see where Izzie was looking.

"Nice hair guy, he's looking away now," Izzie said.

That's when I saw him, nice hair guy. He was sitting by himself, and looked sad. Without even seeing his eyes, I knew he looked sad. Something about the way he was slumped over, something about the way he sat, he just looked sad. Or lonely. Something about him made me feel...safe. Or understood. Or something. It was disarming.

And then he looked up.

Sharp blue eyes met my own, and I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. He was good looking in a way that I never thought actually existed. He was gorgeous. He was...something else. If I had been that kind of girl I may have started thinking of terms like love at first sight, but I wasn't that girl. I wasn't. He was just...something. And then his sad eyes caught mine still gazing at him, and his didn't look so sad anymore. A smile spread across his face, and made it look entirely different. It was the kind of smile I could fall into. I smiled back at him, feeling a little lost and found all at once. Something about him made me feel like a cheesy romance novel, and I wasn't quite sure if I liked it or not.

But I couldn't tear my gaze away.

"McDreamy," I heard Cristina mutter from behind me, tearing me out of my thoughts, and giving me a way to tear my eyes away from her.

"McWhat?" I asked, turning away to look at her, even though I could still feel his eyes on me.

"McDreamy," Cristina repeated, only to be met by a group of four blank stares. "Nice hair guy, staring at Meredith guy is McDreamy."

"It fits," Izzie said, yet again looking at the bar. Looking at him like I felt like looking at him. This was wrong, I did not get Izzie like looks.

"McDreamy? Why is it my boyfriend is called by his job title and nice hair guy gets McDreamy?" I asked Cristina, knowing that Izzie was right, that McDreamy fit him, but I wasn't about to admit it. I wasn't the kind of girl to think those things, and definitely not admit them out loud.

"Because if I gave your boyfriend a real McNickname it would be McBoring. McAccountant is much more complimentary, I'm saving you the pain, Mer. Besides I don't know what McDreamy does."

"I think he's a firefighter," Izzie said sounding a little dreamy herself. "Or maybe a cop. Something sexy."

"Definitely something sexy." There was that voice that sounded an awful lot like me again. Stupid tequilla.

Everyone looked at me, but Alex just shook his head. "Dude, there's far too much estrogen at this table, I need some man friends or something."

"I'm a man," George said in a small voice.

The other two, the ones with the estrogen, mananged to ignore that part of the conversation and stick to just hearing my last comment. "So Meredith thinks McDreamy is sexy. Should McAccountant be worried?" Izzie said with a giggle.

"No. McAccount...Ryan should not be worried. Actually, right now, I'm going home to him. Right now. I don't need anymore tequila and I definitely do not need any more McDreamy. Home. I'm going home," I said, standing up, wobbling a little on my feet and motioning for Joe to call me a cab.

"Okay, just don't have too much sex with McDreamy before you go home to Ryan," Alex said laughing at me. And all my friends laughed along.

I gave them all my best version of a Bailey dirty look and turned to leave.

But of course McDreamy himself stood between me and the door. Which kind of sort of figured. My life could be defined by the word complications. I walked by him calmly, not planning on looking at him, not planning on stopping to talk to him. I just wanted to walk right by. But I couldn't help but look. The man begged for me to look at him. So I looked. And he winked at me. Not a creepy wink. A wink that made me want to go home with him instead of walking out of the bar and going home to Ryan. Which was probably wrong. But something about him made me want to sit down beside him and never move.

The word love ran through my head.

Which made me rush through out of the bar, before tequilla could make me say anything else I might regret later.

I did not fall in love. I did not fall in love. I did not fall in love.

_You have appeared to my life, feel like I'll never be the same_

**I never write intern chapters. In all of my fanfic, never have I really written a chapter in which all the interns interacted on a purely intern level, without either Derek or Burke or someone else interrupting and being there. So this was new for me. And I loved it. I admit. Me, I'm entirely 100 in love with this chapter. I love all the way they're interacting.**

**And overall, I just love this chapter. Meredith and her curiosity over whether "Dr. Shepherd" is going to come with his wife because she's fascinated in neurosurgery even if she doesn't admit it to anyone, not even herself. And then Izzie notices that nice hair guy is staring at her, and Meredith looks and well she's done. Even though she's dating Ryan (you'll meet him) she couldn't help but look at McDreamy, and with just one wink she has to remind herself not to fall in love with him. It was immediate for her. And she doesn't even know who he is. And Meredith is Meredith, so she's scary and damaged and even though she's dating Ryan, she doesn't do cheesy true love. And then she gets hit with it out of blue.**

**Next chapter will be Derek's story. The next day. And it should be up tomorrow night.**

**Read. Love. Review. (please...it's new...I want to know if everyone is in love with it like I am)**


	2. Like a Star Part 2

**Disclaimer: I'm starting to think disclaimers are a waste of time. Because seriously...the people that do own Grey's Anatomy don't spend time sitting around writing fanfics about it. They're too busy actually writing the show (and in the case of 311, rewriting it). So obviously those of us (no matter how famous some of us might be) who do write fanfics don't actually own the show. Because really, why would we waste our time writing fics when we could be making wonderful Mer/Der moments actually happen on the show?**

**I am so glad that everyone is so curious and into this fic already. Besides my rather short lovely elevator ride story (which gasp...it's soon going to be extended...seriously...I'm turning that into a real fic) I've never done anything AU before. So this is new for me. New territory completely. So yeah, glad to hear that everyone is completely into it. And I've also began to discover that I have actual real fans...people who actually are fans. And that just kind of blows me away. When I do get a book published you'll all go out and buy it, right?**

**So this chapter is Derek's perspective. Perspective in this story is going to flip around...mainly between Meredith and Derek, but sometimes somebody completely random, whoever makes most sense for what is going on. So this is Derek's first chapter. His aftermath from that night in the bar...and an elevator.**

**Enjoy!**

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I'm a married man.

For the past 11 years I've been a married man.

Which usually wasn't something I had to remind myself about, the band on my finger was enough. I knew I was married. And most of the time I was happily married. Maybe a little less often recently, well a lot less often, but I am married. Married as in committed to one woman for the rest of my life. Even if I regretted it, I'm married.

But since last night I've found myself needing a reminder.

Because instead of being able to remember the fact I was married all I seemed to be able to remember was that blonde from the bar last night. Or more accurately her laugh. I had been sitting alone, staring at my scotch feeling a little more than sorry for myself. And then a laugh had cut through all the chatter, the pool table, the music, everything. Something about it had caught my ears. It was a light laugh, a truly happy laugh. It was a laugh I had immediately wanted to hear more of.

So I looked up.

The laugh was attached to a tiny beautiful body. Just looking at her I found myself wondering things a married man shouldn't wonder. Like how soft that golden hair would feel running through my fingers. Like how she'd look first thing in the morning, wearing one of my shirts and snuggled up beside me. Like how her lips would taste against my own. And mainly I wondered what it would be like to be sitting at her table, listening to that laugh.

Since last night those thoughts had kept coming back.

Me, the married man, couldn't stop thinking about the magical blonde I had spotted in the bar.

The elevator doors dinged open.

"Apparently I have a stalker," the woman on the other side of the doors said as I stepped on. She was just as beautiful as the night before, and even though she wasn't laughing now, it was all I could hear.

"Maybe you're stalking me," I said, taking a spot beside her.

"Nope. I work here. Obviously. You don't." she said. Of course she worked here. Woman didn't usually wear scrubs as fashion pieces.

"I'm here about a job," I explained, trying to fight the smile that I knew was spreading across my face. I had been wondering what her voice sounded like. Now I knew. Which only made me wondered what it would sound like in the middle of the night crying my name.

Married. I'm married.

"A stalking job?" she asked, looking at me with a little smirk. The smirk was nearly as beautiful as the smile she had sent me when our eyes had met the night before.

Laughter bubbled out of me. I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed, really truly laughed, but this beautiful blonde, she could keep up with me. I couldn't remember the last time I had met someoen that could challenge my sense of humour. "Do you want me to be here for a stalking job?" I heard myself asking. Flirting with the beautiful blonde probably wasn't a good idea.

"I don't think so," she responded, giggling a little.

"What? Me? You don't want me to be stalking you?" I said, trying to sound insulted.

"Why would I want you stalking me?" she asked.

"I've been told I'm very good looking. Wouldn't you want a very good looking stalker?" I asked her.

"You're not that good looking," she said laughing at me.

"I have to disagree. Maybe not right now, but usually, usually I'm very good looking," I stated, She just looked impassively at me. "You don't think I'm good looking?"

"You are. In that overly-moused hair sort of way," she said, looking up at me and gently biting her lip.

I had been doing quite a good job of not staring at her, at basically ignoring the fact that I wanted to take her right here on the elevator, of actually acting like a married man. But then she bit her lip. Exactly how was I not supposed to stare when she was doing that? God had only given men so much willpower, and in the short time I had been talking to her, mine had been pushed to the limit. And now she was looking up at me, gently chewing her lip, waiting for me to respond, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to chew that lip.

Married. Married.

"You don't like my hair?" I eventually sputtered out.

She just laughed at me. A full bellied, right out laugh. That I couldn't help but laugh along with. Her laugh was infectious. Her laugh made me feel good in places that I wasn't even aware that I felt bad. She made me feel...alive or something.

"Your hair isn't the problem, it's the stalking," she said once she finally pulled herself together.

"I personally like the stalking," I said with a smirk.

"I bet you do," she said giggling at me again, her tongue gently flicking out to wet her lips.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat.

Married. Married.

Screw it.

Without another thought I pulled her into my arms. The smell of something flowery assaulted me and I couldn't help but wonder what it was. She looked up at me, a slightly shocked expression widening her eyes, but her lips were parted in a smile. Her lips. I pressed mine to them, softly a first, giving her a chance to pull away. But she didn't, she pressed harder. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I knew my wife was somewhere in the hospital. But I couldn't stop myself, I didn't want to stop myself. I pushed her forward till I had her up against the wall, my lips hard upon hers. taking in every taste she offered. Her mouth opened gently, allowing my tongue to delve inside, finding hers as her hands found my hair. We kissed passionately. Considering I didn't even know her name we kissed like two people who had been kissing for years.

Without warning she pulled away.

"We can't do this," she said, while gasping for air.

I walked away from her, running my hands through the hair that she had left a mess. "You're right, we can't."

"I mean...it's just...and we...we just can't," she said, slightly rambling. She rambled. God, she looked cute while panicking. Okay, thinking of how cute she was was not going to help.

"We can't. I'm married," I said. I hadn't meant to admit that.

"You're married?" she said, looking even more panicked now. And then her face changed again. "I have a boyfriend."

"You have a boyfriend?" I asked, trying to ignore the fact that that hurt, that her having a boyfriend actually hurt. It left me feeling alone again. I hadn't felt alone since the bar last night.

"That's beside the point. The point is, we can't do this. We just...can't," she finished, throwing her hands in the air as if showing the elevator, as if it were to blame for what we had done.

And then she was in my arms again. I don't even know who moved first but we were in eachother's arms again, our lips pressing together desperately, our tongues dancing in eachother's mouths, our hands grabbing at eachother's hair.

The elevator came to a stop, the doors pinging open as she untangled herself from my arms.

"Meredith, I'm Meredith by the way," she said as she moved to walk out the door.

"Derek Shepherd," I said with a smirk. Usually exchanging names came before exchanging saliva.

A look of recognition spread across her face but she was off and running down the hall before I had a chance to say another word.

Meredith. Meredith. I felt the urge to say the name out loud. Hell I felt the urge to go to the roof and yell it over the ocean for the entire world to hear. Meredith.

I'm a married man.

Married men don't fall in love with woman they first saw at a bar and then kissed on an elevator. Married men don't fall in love with woman who aren't there wife.

Not that I was in love.

Meredith.

_You've got this look I can't describe, you make me feel like I'm alive _

**So Derek wasn't supposed to kiss Meredith quite yet, but Derek in my head didn't feel like listening, he really wanted to kiss her. What with the lip biting and licking. And Meredith really wanted to be kissed. So yeah, they did. And I know it's awful...because Derek cheated. And Addison hasn't. But there is a back story there, one that has been hinted at but not explored. But don't worry, explanation of Addison and Derek is to come. You will find out all. Just for now...know that Derek isn't some cheating bastard. He's falling madly in love with a woman that isn't his wife. That's all. **

**But overall, I love this chapter. Didn't go the way I planned (silly Derek) but him and Meredith were cute. and I borrowed lines from the show with some variations. I definitely like the feel of this chapter. **

**Next chapter will be up tomorrow night hopefully, if I can sneak away from the family party long enough. And I should be able to. I don't know who's perspective it will be yet. Probaby Derek again, but maybe Addison. Hmmm...actually probably a combination. Lol.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	3. AngelsLosingSleep Part 1

**Disclaimer: I've been wondering all day what Patrick Dempsey will be doing for Christmas tonight and tomorrow. If I owned Grey's Anatomy I wouldn't have to wonder, I could just call him up and ask. So yes, I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

**So this is me when I shouldn't be updating. I'm not drunk, not even close to drunk. I've only had 2 beers. So yeah, not drunk. But still...I'm a tiny person, so it gets to me. So now isn't the time I should be updating. And yet I am. Because you know how you're all in love with this story? So am I. And because of that...I want to update. Which is silly, but oh well.**

**This is going to be Addison's chapter. To start setting up the back story. Because even though Addison didn't cheat, she's also not the perfect wife Derek is abandoning to make out with other women on elevators. And for some reason, I feel like Addison has to be the one to tell this story. Not Derek. Although he will have his say, just not well...now. Later. Now it's Addie's turn. Yeah, I'm feeling a little rambly...blame it on the beer.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Derek?" I asked the familiar dark head walking in front of me.

"Addison?" he responded turning around. Something akin to guilt flashed across his face, but it was gone to quickly to tell. It was probably nothing.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, hearing the suspicion in my own voice. He never told me anything anymore, not since well, I don't know when it started. I just know that it had.

"I had a meeting with Webber," he answered, holding two fingers against his nose, like he always did when he was stressed out.

"A meeting? About what?"

"Addie, do you really want to get into this now?" he asked, annoyance sharpening his features.

I didn't, not really. Really I never wanted to get into this. Because I had a gut feeling that if I did really get into this, our marriage wouldn't come out so well on the other end. We lived in a world where we didn't actually bother talking, because if we did something would be said that would end us. And maybe we weren't the happiest, maybe we weren't steady, but we were Derek and Addison. And that meant something, that had to mean something. So no, I didn't really want to get into it right now.

"No Derek, I don't," I finally said. "But some explanation, something, it would be nice."

"The head of neurosurgery is about to retire, and Webber offered me the position," he explained, sighing and running his hands through his hair.

"And you're thinking of taking it?" I asked, feeling a little incredulous. I knew Derek hadn't been happy in New York in years, but picking up and leaving wasn't his style. His family was in New York. His best friend was in New York. We were in New York.

"Maybe. I...I...he's promised my chief when I retire," he said, starting to shuffle around a bit.

"But we live in New York." Way to point out the obvious Addison, I scolded myself silently.

"Maybe it's time for a change," was all he said in reply.

"Were you planning on telling me?" I asked, nearly afraid of the answer. There had been a day Derek would have talked to me before the meeting. There was a day Derek would have found me right after the meeting. Hell, there was a time he wouldn't have even gone to the meeting. But that time wasn't now. Things change.

He looked me straight in the eye. He never looked me straight in the eye, at least not when we were having a serious conversation. During serious conversations he looked down and pouted. Looking me straight in the eye was for the really serious stuff, the stuff I never really wanted to hear. "I don't know, Addie, I just don't know."

"Oh," was all that came out of my mouth. Because really, what are you supposed to think when your husband of 11 years admits that he might be moving, damn what you think. I knew he wasn't happy, I knew we weren't happy, but still...that's something...that's something big.

He looked up to say something else, but something caught his eye, distracting him from the topic at hand. The look was...well for a second the look brought me back 11 years to when we were happy, something about that look said something that I hadn't seen or heard in ages. But then the look was gone, and I convinced myself I had imagined it. Because he was in Seattle, where he knew no one, no one to bring that look back. It must have been something else.

"Addison I..." He never finished his sentence, his cellphone interupting him. "I have to take this. Can we talk about it later?"

"Sure...sure," I said quietly. Knowing that later would lead to one of us, probably both of us staying out far too late, to guarantee that the other was already in bed. This time it would be Derek staying out late, but it wasn't something I was innocent of. For the past few years we'll talk later was code for avoidance.

My husband didn't bother to kiss me goodbye, didn't even bother to say goodbye. He just turned and walked away, rushing down the hall for god knows what reason, as the man didn't even have patients here. But he had managed to find something else to take him away.

I wish I could blame him, I really do.

Someone needs to be blamed.

He would be the easy one.

But I knew most of this, most of this was my fault.

_Looks like your boat's about to sink, so it's time to prepare. _

**Yeah, it was short, but I do think it was good and it got the point across. Addison and Derek aren't happy. And Addison knows it, but she's unwilling to face it because they're Addison and Derek, and she doesn't want to lose that. And there are reasons they aren't happy. Small tiny reasons that just pile up and will be explored later in this fiction. But it's not just Addie's fault, and it's not just Derek's fault. They just aren't happy. **

**And Derek found happiness, really quickly in Seattle, and Addie recognized it, even if she wrote it off as nothing, she briefly recognized it. So that plays in, it all plays in. God, I'm loving this story.**

**Tomorrow I will have a lot of time to work on it...tons of time. I do family stuff in the morning and then family stuff at night. But in between is just killing time so I should be able to write a lot. Plus everyone will leave around 8ish after supper so lots of time then too. So you should expect lots of updates...a nice Christmas present to all my fans.**

**Read. Love. Review.**

**And Merry Christmas!**


	4. AngelsLosingSleep Part 2

**Disclaimer: I've gotten all my Christmas gifts and some of them have been quite amazing, but alas, no one gave me Grey's Anatomy. Nope. So now that Christmas has come and past, I must say I still don't own Grey's Anatomy. Working on it though.**

**Sorry for no update yesterday or the day before. I said I was going to and then I didn't. My excuse is simple...my parents are annoying, lol. We had everyone in my family over for dinner and they kept finding chores for me to do. Everytime I sat down to write I was called away to do something or other. It was ever so evil of them. And then after supper my mom guilted me into watching Christmas movies with her. Evil mother, I know. As for yesterday...work and boyfriend. Worked all day, which is to be expected on Boxing Day in retail. And then went over to my boyfriend's and didn't have my laptop with me. So yeah, no update. But I am updating now. And there should be a couple of chapters up today.**

**So this is kind of happening at the same time as the last update. But with Meredith instead of Derek. I think that's clear enough. Lol. When Derek and Addie are fighthing Meredtih is dealing with the elevator kiss in her own way.**

**Enjoy!**

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"What's wrong with you?" Cristina said walking up behind me not long after I had gotten off the elevator.

There is no way to answer that question, well no quick and simple, nice and tidy way. What's wrong with me? What was wrong with me was the fact that a wink had managed to change everything I thought I had known, or maybe it wasn't the wink, it was the smile long before the link. Because I had been the intern who had a simple life at the hospital and a great boyfriend who she loved at home. Now I was the intern who made out with top neurosurgeons on elevators and couldn't string two thoughts together about Ryan ever since. What was wrong with me was that I had kissed a famous neurosurgeon, who happened to be very married, and I wanted to do it again.

Over and over again.

"Nothing, I'm fine," was my actual answer. Because admitting that stuff wouldn't be me. I'm an avoider, avoiders don't admit to the kind of stuff. I lived my life under a banner of avoidance, and no dreamy doctor was going to change that.

"Sure, Meredith," Cristina said, skeptisism dripping in her voice. Even though I wasn't looking at her I knew she was rolling her eyes.

"I made out with McDreamy," I heard myself say. Apparently the word vomit had extended into my sober times as well. Maybe it had something to do with the fact I really wish I was drunk right now.

"No you didn't, we watched you leave. He stayed," Cristina said in her matter of fact voice she usually reserved for patients.

"Just now, I made out with McDreamy on the elevator," I further explained. No point of stopping the word vomit now as Cristina would harass me until she found out.

"You made out with McDreamy on the elevator?"

I nodded my head. "I was having a bad day, I am having a bad day."

"So on your bad days you make out with McDreamy," she asked snickering at me. I did not need snickering, not from my supposed best friend and not from anyone else. Snickering would get me no where. So I remained silent. "Was he good? Because he looks like he'd be good."

"No. Yes. Definitely yes. But that's beside the point," I exclaimed in a hushed voice as a group of nurses rushed past us.

"What exactly is the point?" Cristina asked starting to sound more and more intrigued. Telling her was definitely a mistake.

"The point is I made out with McDreamy. The more important point is that McDreamy does have a job. McNeurosurgeon. Derek Shepherd. McDreamy is Derek Shepherd," I said, now hissing out the words as quietly as possible. Even thinking of who McDreamy really was made me blush, made me want to hide.

"Derek Shepherd?? As in...he's with that gynie doctor. And you're with Ryan," Cristina said, sounding exactly like I was feeling.

'He's married to that gynie doctor," I pointed out to Cristina, as we rounded the corner and crossed paths with just the man we were talking about.

He was talking to someone, looking a little less than happy. It must be the wife, the famous Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd. She was leggy, she was fabulous. She looked like the woman every other woman strives to be but doesn't even manage to pull off. She looked like a movie star. And I looked, like well me. And yet her husband had kissed me on the elevator, really truly kissed me. In a way that was heart stopping and earth shattering. He had her and yet he had kissed me. And now he was arguing with her.

Probably told her about his slutty kiss with the slutty intern.

Ass.

And then his eyes met mine briefly, before I left the area of the hallway, and they brought my world to a stop yet again. Because the anger that had been there seconds before vanished. And something else appeared, something that made me want to believe that he felt slightly like I felt, that since last night in the bar everything had changed, that nothing would ever be the same ever again. That he wanted to kiss me over and over again. His eyes lit up in that second. And then he tore his eyes back to his wife as Cristina and I exited the door and I convinced myself silently that I had imagined it, that I couldn't be seeing things right, that it was in my mind. Because people like Derek Shepherd, who married people like Addison Shepherd, didn't look at people like me like that.

Never.

But for a second, I could almost hear him thinking that he's not in love with me, denying everything to himself. And I knew how that felt.

"So...what does this mean?" Cristina asked, once we were safely out of ear shot, pulling me out my thoughts.

"I don't know, I just...I don't know," I said, sighing and smiling miserably at her.

And I didn't. I didn't know what anything meant, not since I had noticed him in the bar.

Okay, stop lying to yourself Meredith. You know what this all means, you know what you feel.

You're just avoiding it.

"Meredith! Meredith!" I heard a voice call from somewhere in the overly crowded room. I knew that voice, that voice had been calling my name for the past two years. And for the first time in my life I found myself not wanting to hear it. I swore under my breath as Ryan walked towards us, causing Cristina just to snicker a little more than would be considered polite. "I called your cellphone but you didn't pick up. Where were you?"

Shit. I did vaguely remember a cell phone vibrating in my pocket in the elevator. But I had been too caught up in well...stuff to care about it all that much. "Oh, umm...I was just busy," I said. "You know, doctor stuff and the such, checking on patients and well...you know." My answer sounded far too panicked.

"Really, Mer? Patients. What patients were you checking on exactly?" Cristina said. Sometimes I questioned the intelligence in being friends with her. Right now was one of those times.

"The sick ones, Cristina," I answered giving her my best Bailey look and turning back around to meet Ryan's confused gaze. "So...ummm...what is it you wanted?"

"Oh yeah, well ummm...dinner tonight. I made reservations at that place I've been wanting to try. You don't have plans, do you?" he asked.

"Nope, not that I know of," I said with a small smile, a small part of me wishing I did have plans. Because right now going to a fancy restaurant with him would probably not be the best option. Fancy restaurants weren't my kind of thing on a good day, and today, today was definitely not a good day.

"Good. Finally get some time with my girlfriend," he said a huge smile spreading across his face. Ryan liked smiling, a lot. I don't know why I had never noticed that before.

"Yep, you do," I said, feeling a little guilty about the time another man had spent with me earlier in the day. Feeling even more guilty that I was even now thinking about how stupid it would be to spend that time again, say tomorrow. Which was wrong. Very very wrong. But it was not my fault that man could kiss like that.

And feeling even more guilty as I felt him walk up behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know it was him. I didn't have to wait for him to say anything. I just knew. His already familiar smell, a mixture of musk, soap and pure maleness, engulfed me, the sound of his feet against the floor sent shivers down my spine. It wasn't even so much the feel of him, as it was the feel of me. My heart was racing, without even seeing him my heart was racing. Only one man had ever made my heart race like that, and we had barely had a conversation.

"Ah, Mer...Dr.Grey, I've been looking for you," he said, with the sound of him closing his cellphone.

I turned around to see him standing there. I had expected the wonderful cocky smile to be gracing his features, I had expected him to look all like the flirt I figured he was. Instead I met the face of a stressed out Derek Shepherd. One that looked basically as guilty as I was feeling, which made me feel even more guilty. As well he was married. Married.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" I asked, trying to sound innocent, trying to keep the feel of his hair out of my thoughts.

"There's just something I think we should probably discuss," he said, some of the guilt fading from his face as one corner of his mouth raised in a small smile.

And then Ryan's hand was in front me, in offering to Derek. Great, five seconds the boyfriend was already feeling threatened. Just what I needed to make an already messy situation just a little messier. "I'm her boyfriend, Ryan. She probably has mentioned me, she probably talks about me a lot."

Something about Ryan had spurred Derek back into being the guy he was on the elevator as a smug smile played across his features. He looked at me quickly, with a look of fake confusion on his face. "I think she might have mentioned you once or twice."

Anger flashed over Ryan's face. I wasn't used to seeing anger there. "I realize you're probably her boss or something, but we were in the middle of discussing something, could you talk to her later?" he said, placing a hand gently on my back.

Derek noticed that hand. Of course he noticed the hand, he was meant to notice the hand placed there, claiming me as Ryan's. Which right now, I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that. Annoyance flashed across Derek's face, or maybe it was just annoyance. I couldn't really tell. Whatever it was, it was appealing. It made me want to kiss him again. Which would be quite interesting considering the fact that my boyfriend was standing right there. "Yes, I can see your talking, but this is slightly pressing."

"I'm sure it can wait," Ryan said, stepping up even closer to me.

"I'm sorry to take her away like this, but medical emergencies trump whatever it is you're talking about," Derek said, the cockiness coming through in his voice.

Medical emergencies? But Derek didn't even work her yet. "Derek, what is it you need me for?" I asked, not even realizing the use of the first name until Ryan gave me a dirty look.

"Oh, it's about that conversation we were having on the elevator earlier," he said, beaming a bright smile my way. Seconds ago I had been annoyed with Ryan smiling too much. And now I could feel myself falling into his. This is not good, not good at all. I felt my cheeks turn redden as my eyes met his and quickly pulled them away.

Cristina cleared her throat. "Mer, you probably want to ummm...talk to Dr. Shepherd, this case is serious," she said, making the decision for me. Or at least voicing my decision out loud and helping relieve me of the dismissing the boyfriend duties.

I just quickly nodded my head and leaned forward to kiss Ryan. As our lips met quickly I swore I heard a groan coming from Derek Shepherd. He wasn't jealous, was he? He was married. He couldn't be jealous. Married people can't and...they just can't. Ryan gave Derek one last parting glare and was gone.

I turned around quickly, shooting Derek daggers with my eyes. "Dr. Shepherd, I was in the middle of something..."

"So it appeared," he said, not even trying to hold back the laughter. I did not need the laughter. The laughter did not help the anger. It was impossible to stay mad at a man who laughed like that, who looked so damn happy and good while laughing like that. "But we should talk."

"There's nothing to talk about," I answered quickly.

"Oh I think that was definitely something worth talking about," he said, laughing slightly.

"It was a mistake," I replied back simply.

"Is it going to happen again? Because if it is I'm going to need to bring breath mints, put a condom in my wallet," he said in a quiet whisper.

"Derek! You are married. Married. As in you have a wife. As in you can't be kissing complete strangers in elevators and chasing off their boyfriend. Or talking about breath mints or condoms. Married, Derek. Death do us part and all that shit. Remember the vows?" I said suddenly, not meaning to be that rude about things, but his flirting had managed to put me on edge, throw me off kilter.

With that teasing joking Derek dissapeared, replaced quickly by the man who had first approached me, guilt darkening in his eyes. Damn, but he was sexy. Teasing and flirty or guilty and mad...just sexy. If Ryan didn't exist, if Addison didn't exist...well we wouldn't be talking right now. A girl only has so much self control and mine was being pushed as it was. "Meredith," he said, gently grabbing onto my arm, "we need to talk about this eventually."

I nodded slowly, looking down at the ground. "I know," I said quietly.

And then his hand travelled down my arm, slowly and gently, until his fingers found my own and they tangled together, holding on to eachother for what felt like dear life, or at least our sanity. Looking at our hands interlocked thoughts of that cheesy Patrick Dempsey movie flashed through my head, our hands fit. They fit. Damn. Tears unexplicably reached my eyes but I quickly blinked them away, as I continued to stare at our hands.

"Meredith..." he began in a husky yet gentle tone.

My eyes quickly met his and the tears that were in my own were unexplicably in his as well. It made everything seem a little better knowing I wasn't alone in this...whatever this mess way. Not even twenty four hours and it was already a mess. Not a good sign.

"Not now, Derek, just...not now," I said with a quick shake of my head.

And then I pulled my hand from his, relunctant to let go but knowing that staying there forever wasn't an option even though a huge part of me wished it was. I quickly headed dowbn the hallway, refusing to look back at the man who had changed everything far too quickly.

_Just when you think you figured it out, well it all falls apart._

**I love being a fan of my own work and in the case of this fanfic, well I'm definitely a fan, lol. **

**And honestly, I love this section. Because I had a quick introduction of Ryan. Who you will continue to get to know, although I'm not sure how much, depends on how Meredith and Derek in my head let this all play out. But you will get to know more about who he is and why Meredith is with him. And then we got jealous Derek. And guilty Derek. Both of which are sexy as all hell. I love both those Derek's...and I love that even though Derek is feeling guilty about what he's doing he really can't help himself but to flirt with Meredith. So it keeps happening. And I borrowed a great line from the show. I just love this in general. And the handholding thing...writing this chapter Meredith and Derek in my head kept wanting to grab eachother's hands which probably has something to do with watching too much Lucky Seven, so at the end I gave in to them. Lol.**

**Tomorrow is a full day of nothing to do. So expect a LOT of updates. I have an Addie meeting the interns scene coming up...which is going to probably be from Cristina's perspective. And then of course some Mer/Der stuff. And Addie and someone stuff. Lol. So yeah...tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	5. AngelsLosingSlepp Part 3

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy still isn't mine. I know...I know what you're all thinking, why not? I swear every night before I go to bed I find myself hoping that when I wake up in the morning GA will be mine. But it's yet to actually happen. So cross your fingers for me tonight, hopefully GA will be mine when I wake up.**

**First to answer a question... the Patrick Dempsey movie I was referencing was Lucky Seven, a made for tv movie he made right before GA. It's amazing. If you haven't seen it, I suggest it. It's oh so McDreamy, no really, he's very McDreamy on it. Anyway I am so glad that everyone is still enjoying this fic. I'm really having fun writing it even though Derek in my head is being quite pushy, it's still a lot of fun to write.**

**So this chapter will be short...just the interns meeting Addison for the first time. Starting to set something up. And also because Meredith is in love with Derek, even though she's been trying to deny it, it's a fact. So her meeting his wife, it's big. Yes, this chapter is shortish and it's kind of filler, but important filler. Oh and it's completely randomly from Cristina's perspective. I don't quite know why.**

**Enjoy!**

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"You kissed him again," I said looking at my best friend who walked up to join our merry group looking a little more than usually flustered.

"I did not kiss him again. There was no kissing," she hissed quietly at me.

Oh, how I loved Meredith and her overly complicated life. "You did something, Meredith, you're all fluttery."

"I am not fluttery. I'm just...it's just...and he's just...I don't know what it is. But there was no kissing. There will be no more kissing," she said, just looking even more, well, Meredith like.

"Oh there will be more kissing," I said, silently wishing I wasn't the only person that knew about the kissing. Because this gem was oh so precious and would be oh so good to make bets on. But it's hard to bet with people who aren't even aware a situation exists.

"I have a boyfriend," Meredith pointed out, stating the obvious and yet pointless information.

"Who never makes you this fluttery," I said giving her a sly smile.

By then we had reached the nurse's station where Bailey was standing waiting for us. I turned to ask Meredith about some interesting surgery but stopped in my tracks as I saw the colour drain from her face. Meredith looked pale at the best of times, this obviously wasn't a best of time situation. I looked back at Bailey to see a tall, leggy red-headed doctor standing beside her. She looked like a bitch, a wonderfully powerful bitch. She was new, I knew she was new. And from the look on Meredith's face, it didn't leave many questions.

So this must be the She-Shepherd, McWife or whatever.

"Dr. Grey, are you okay?" Bailey's voice, more annoyed than concerned, broke through my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Meredith said sounding rushed, and so un-fine that the word fine sounded quite ridiculous.

"No you're not, but I don't to hear about it. I just want you to do your job," Bailey said looking at Meredith expectingly and she quickly nodded her head. "This is Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, she's here from New York on a consult. If you fools bothered to read anything instead of galavanting at Joe's you might know who she is. Karev, you're with her. O'Malley, Burke has requested you today. Yang, you're riding with me. Steens the pits all yours and Grey," Bailey said, looking Meredith up and down. "You too damn distracted. Scut. Yang, meet me in Room 2134 in half an hour."

And then Bailey was gone, leaving Meredith leaning against the wall looking stressed and the rest of us staring at her strangely.

Well except for me. I knew Meredith was screwed, I didn't have to worry about her. So I looked at Alex and the She-Shepherd who were sending eachother ever suspicious eyes over the counter as Alex picked up the chart. They were looking at eachother, in a way that made me want to make even more bets. Hell, when I had been in medical school I thought the most interesting thing about being a doctor would be the surgeries, someone should have told me about this other stuff.

"Are you okay?" George asked Meredith, sounding sheepish and cutting into my thoughts.

"Fine, I'm fine," Meredith said.

"No you're not," Izzie said quickly.

"Of course she's not," I cut in, knowing that George and Izzie had a way of making the most fine person unfine. Meredith didn't need that. "So that was McWife?"

"That was McWife," Meredith said, in a strained voice.

"McWife?" George and Izzie said simultaneously, looking between Meredith and I.

"Meredith kissed McDreamy. And that's McWife," I simply said, not too much worried about keeping the secret. Everything came out in the end anyway, especially in a hospital.

"One second...McDreamy? McWife? That guy from the bar is Montgomery-Shep...that guy was Derek Shepherd!" Izzie said, working the difficulties through in her own head. Meredith just nodded. "And you made out with him?"

"I didn't know it was Derek Shepherd," Meredith answered rather lamely. I had to help this girl on her comeback.

"You made out with him without knowing who he is?" Izzie asked, starting to sound all Izzie-on-her-high-horse-ish.

I was about to cut in when Alex did it for me. "Grey, you make out with random guys? Knew there was a reason I liked you," Alex said. "I'm all for making out with random people. Right now people with the name Montgomery-Shepherd. She's McHot."

Okay, that was not going to help. Meredith banged the back of her head against the wall behind her, a little harder than she probably should have. At this rate she was going to need Dr. Shepherd for more than just kissing purposes.

"Go away, Evil-Spawn," I hissed.

Alex just rolled his eyes and walked away, O'Malley falling closely behind him.

"What were you thinking?" Izzie asked accusingly of Meredith.

God, for a bunch of surgeons in the top residency program you'd think my coworkers would be smarter than to ask stupid questions like that. "She was thinking that her boyfriend was boring and McDreamy has really perfect hair, let's leave it at that," I answered for her.

"What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?" Meredith began to repeat quietly to herself over and over again.

I saw Izzie open her mouth to answer but I quickly cut her off with a scathing look, sending the perky blonde running away. "You kissed McDreamy, Mer. No one else needs to know," I responded, doing my best at calming down. I wasn't used to this friends stuff, I didn't do this friends stuff.

"I know. He knows," Meredith said, looking miserable.

"Meredith, you got the hots for some man-candy and acted on it, that's all," I responded, not really knowing what else to say. Okay, maybe I did, as Ryan was McBoring and Derek was McDreamy, but well, hearing that right now just wouldn't help her out.

"It's not the hots for some man-candy," Meredith said so quietly I nearly didn't hear her. But I did.

"Meredith, you kissed the guy. It's not the end of the world," I said, not knowing what else to do. If McDreamy was more than hot man-candy to kiss, well Meredith was McScrewed than I knew how to deal with.

"Cristina, I'm on scut all day," she said, rolling her eyes at me.

"Okay, maybe it is the end of the world," I said giving her a wry smile, feeling almost bad for her, but a little too amused by it all to care too much.

She smiled back at me, still looking miserable but now into normal Meredith avoidance mode. She walked down the hall, acting as if she wasn't living the biggest mess I had ever seen. This is why we were friends. Because Meredith was the only person that was more messed up than I was.

**No song for this chapter...at least no lyrics. As it's filler, there's nothing that really fits. So yeah.**

**But I am proud of this chapter. I am. It just felt like it worked really really well. All the characters played nice in my head which is nice of them, lol. So yeah, Meredith is slightly freaking out, because even though she didn't kiss Derek, she did hold his hand. And Cristina is trying to point out that it's just the hots of man candy but Meredith knows that's not what it is at all so she's freaking out. And annoyed that she's on scut. And now she's met the wife. And Izzie is being Izzie about it. So Cristina is trying to help but it's not happening. I hope I captured Cristina though, most I've ever played with her. Plus...was that Alex/Addie heat I smell? (Don't flip out, I'm all about Lexzie...I'm just having some fun).**

**Anyway next update should fingers crossed be up later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	6. Unbroken Part 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own these wonderful characters, I only wish that one day I can be creative enough to come up with my own wonderful characters. In the mean time...well I'm going to play with these ones. So please, don't sue me.**

**So I just reread my own story, and is it wrong to say I'm a fan of it? Because I am. I'm really really proud of this one. Way to blow my own horn, but that's the facts. I've been considering having my boyfriend read one...and this might be it. Because I like it, I really really like it. And I'm glad to see that everyone else seems to be enjoying it. Makes me ever so happy.**

**This chapter happens later that same day. And it's Meredith and Derek. Having that talk that Derek wanted them to have but Meredith was too freaked out to have. But now they're talking. And don't get your hopes up...they're not going to fall into eachother's arms and forget their other (lesser) halves. Sorry. And it's from Der's perspective.**

**Enjoy.**

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That night I walked out of the hospital, not quite sure what to do. I couldn't go to the hotel, that meant talking I wasn't ready for. And I couldn't go to Meredith, she was out on a date with that guy. I looked across the street and the lights of Joe's met my eyes. Seemed like the only place left for me.

But then a familiar blonde head caught my eye. Less than 24 hours and the back of her head was already familiar to me.

"Aren't you supposed be on a date right now?" I said, smiling as I slid in beside her on the bench.

"Yeah," Meredith just said simply, not bothering to elaborate more and I knew I couldn't push her, not about this.

I glanced over at her. She didn't look sad, she didn't look happy, she just looked...something. Lonely was the closest thing I could come up with, but that didn't make much since. She had her friends. She had Ryan. I was the lonely one, not her. She looked beautiful, her face soft with tiredness and her hair slightly frizzy from the mist. I found myself wanting to pull her into my arms, not to kiss her, but just to hold her.

Wife, Derek, you have a wife.

"Should we talk about earlier?" she suddenly said, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Probably," I said, nodding simply. I thought I had wanted this talk, but now I wasn't sure. This talk couldn't end how I wanted it to, this talk couldn't end with us in bed. It would only end in agreeing to forget this, whatever this was, and I wasn't sure if I could handle that.

"We can't do this, Derek, we can't," she said, trying to emphasize her point, but still seeming less than convincing.

"We can't," I said, looking down at my toes.

"You have a wife. And I have Ryan. We're both...and it's just...we can't do this," she said again. I had to bite back a laugh, as I wondered who she was trying to convince, me or herself.

"I know," I said quietly, trying to stop what was going to come out of my mouth next, but knowing I couldn't. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to know. "But you feel it, right? I mean, whatever this is, you feel something, you feel it?"

"Yeah, I do," she said, so quietly I nearly didn't hear her. Her voice sounded so vulnerable, so overwhelmed I almost wished I had never come, staying in New York would have saved her from this. And right now I really wish I could save her from this. Because I didn't care so much about saving myself, but she was something else.

"Good, good," I responded in long measured notes.

"But you have a wife," she said again. I laughed quietly at this one, laughed sadly. Because in that moment she sounded like I did in my head, reminding myself of the wife.

"And you have a Ryan," I responded.

She nodded sadly and we fell into silence. Considering how short of time we had known eachother and the tension that sat between us the silence was easy. The silence felt comfortable. For the first time in a long time, sitting beside her on a bench, on a misty Seattle night, in complete silence, I felt entirely like myself. In that moment I knew that with Meredith everything was different. We didn't need words, we didn't even need looks and touches, we just needed eachother. The thought and everything implied sent a chill racing down my back.

"Are you happy?" I heard myself ask, breaking the silence. I didn't mean to ask, but for some reason I needed to know.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I thought I was, I did. But now, now everything just feels different," Meredith said with a shrug, turning her head to meet my eyes. "Are you happy?"

"No, I haven't been happy in a long time. I don't know if I remember how to be happy," I said, giving her a small smile. It had been my first honest answer to that question for years.

"We're a great pair, aren't we?" Meredith said with a small sad giggle.

Without thinking I found myself throwing my arm around her shoulder, and pulling her close. Not because I wanted her, even though I did. But because right now she needed comforting and I needed comforting, and something told me that she was where I would find my comfort. And I would be where she found hers. Suddenly, an idea came to mind.

"We could be friends," I suggested.

"Derek..." she started as she pulled away.

"We could. I'm a very good friend," I said, trying to lighten to mood between us.

"We can't be friends," she just simply anwered back.

"We could be friends, you'd be lucky to have me," I said, giving her my best cocky grin.

"Derek, we made out on an elevator," she said. I went to respond but she cut me off. "How, how can we be friends?"

"We could...hang out," I began trying to sound less nervous than I actually was. Because suddenly being friends with Meredith Grey meant more than it should have. "I'm officially living here now. We could meet, have coffee and have meaningful discussions about the complex nature of our existence. Friends do that, Might be fun. We could be friends, Meredith."

"Derek..." she started, getting up from the bench.

"Meredith," I said cutting her off. "I'm new in town, and miserable. I could use a friend, I could use you as a friend. And really, I think you need me as a friend too." I finishhed, hoping I hadn't assumed wrong, hoping that she wasn't about to shoot me down.

I saw thoughts play across her face, confusion, doubt and happiness all mixing together. "Just friends?" she finally asked.

"Just friends," I said, a smile spreading across my mouth as I nodded at her.

"Okay," she said, not sounding completely sure of my plan, but at least going along with it for now.

"Good." And then another idea came to mind, as I thought of the dirve I had taken the night before after I had left the bar, after I had first seen her. I thought of the place I had found, and how badly I had wanted the laughing girl to see it. "Come on, friend, I have something to show you."

_Cause this is the day that everything changes and your world stops turning_

**I'm not going to lie to you, I'm in love with this chapter. Meredith and Derek both know whatever it is they've been doing can't happen. Because he's married and she's with Ryan. But they both also admit that there is something there, it just can't be explored. Yet at the same time, Derek's already figured out that he NEEDS Meredith. In the way we all knows he needs Meredith. So he decides they can be friends, because he needs her and thinks she needs him. And we will see how two people who couldn't keep their hands off eachother before they even knew eachother's names makes a friendship work. Or not work. Hehehe. This is getting fun.**

**Btw, have we all seen that new Mer/Der clip from you tube from 311?? Is it not the cutest thing EVER? I can not wait till January 11th.**

**Okay...next update will be up at some point tonight. Either right after I get home from work at 9ish (well more like 10) or when I get home from my boyfriend's later. I still don't know what I'm doing tonight so that's a mystery. But there will be something posted at some point tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review. **


	7. Unbroken Part 2

**Disclaimer: I really can't think of a creative one right now. All that's important is that Grey's Anatomy is not mine. It's sad, really.**

**First, you can all love my boyfriend. He's moving to Hamilton next Friday. We knew for a while that this might be coming, but it became official today. So yeah...Hamilton, which happens to be 6 hours away from where I live. So why can you all love him? Because how many times have I said an update would be up after I got home from my boyfriend's? Well starting next week that won't be happening. You'll just get a lot of updates all the time. As my boyfriend joked my fics will be about 9 times longer now. Lol. And really I'm okay...well no not really, but I will be. It's only 4 months, or so I keep trying to remember. **

**So this chapter is not Mer/Der, lol. You have to wait to find out where Derek is taking Mer. This is Addie. Because it's night time, and she can't find her husband, who knows no one in the city (as far as she knows) and doesn't have a job (as far as she knows). So she goes looking and finds something else entirely. Hehehehe. Alex's perspective. **

**Enjoy!**

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I entered the bar, expeciting to find my friends, or whatever it was they were. It had been a long day and I could use some relaxing time, and nothing was better than ripping on George or Izzie. Well maybe sex with a cute nurse. A cute nurse would work tonight too. Instead I found neither. All I found was a familiar red head, the one that had made my day so long, slumped over a martini.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" I asked, sitting down beside her.

"Dr. Karev," she said, with a little nod.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I hadn't expected to see her in a bar. I definitely hadn't expected to see her in a bar as obviously drunk as she was.

"I was looking for my husband, instead I found a martini," she said, raising it as if to toast me, "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for my friends," I said with a shrug.

"Have you seen my husband?" she asked, suddenly, breaking me off before I could say anything else. I just shake my head, not quite knowing who her husband was. I know that the girls had talked about him earlier, but it wasn't like a paid any attention to their gossiping. "He's not at the hospital. Or at the hotel. And he's not here. We don't live in Seattle, he doesn't live in Seattle. He doesn't know anyone in Seattle. I don't know where he could be," Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.

"No offence, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, but I don't think a few martinis are going to help you find him," I said, a smile tugging at the corners of my cheeks.

"No, I don't think so. And it's Addison. Just Addison," she said, taking a very unladylike gulp of her drink.

"Well Addison, getting drunk is not going to solve your problems," I said.

"No, no it's not. But it beats sitting in my empty hotel room waiting for my ever so absent husband to get home so we can fight about this stupidity," Addison said, staring down at her drink.

"In that case, can I buy you your next drink?" I asked, not knowing exactly what made me make the offer. Sure she was hot, she was beyond hot, but she was married. And obviously had a lot of baggage. I liked women, I especially like hot women. But I didn't usually go for married hot women with baggage. But something about Addison made me offer to buy her a drink.

"I never turn down free drinks, Karev," Addison responded, in a slightly slurred voice.

"So what do you and your husband have to fight about?" I asked.

"Everything. Nothing. My husband is apparently considering moving to Seattle, but he never bothered to talk to me about it. Not that I'm surprised. He doesn't bother to talk to me about anything anymore. Nor does he bother to have sex with me," Addison said with a sexy pout.

I may not know this husband of hers but he was obviously an idiot. This man had a gorgeous wife, and he obviously didn't know how to take advantage of that. What kind of man didn't sleep with a woman who looked like that? Something about it just seemed...wrong. "That's messed up," was all I said.

"Very messed up," Addison agreed with a small nod. "I just wish I could blame it on him."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Karev, I am not drunk enough to tell you about it," Addison said.

"I'd sleep with you," I said honestly. I had never been one to lie.

Addison looked at me then, her eyes considerably sharp after all the alcohol she consumed. I considered looking away, but I knew woman, and she didn't need that. One man had already dejected her tonight, and who knew how many nights before that. I wasn't about to make the same mistake that idiot did. So I looked back, not even trying to disguise the heat in my eyes. If she needed a fuck to get her out of this slump, well I could give her that. It's not like her husband deserved her anyway.

"I don't remember the last time a man looked at me like that," she said sounding sad.

"Well you have the wrong men looking at you," I said.

"Would you really sleep with me?" she asked, with a sudden fire in her eyes.

I just nodded in reply and watched as she placed her glass on the bar and slipped out of the chair and grabbed my hand, leading me out of the bar and into the dark night.

I wasn't the type that usually took the drunk women home, especially not ones who'd really regret it in the morning. But I'm pretty sure Addison was worth the exemption.

_This is the day that everything changes, and your worlds collide._

**So I don't like this chapter. It goes with the story and it had to happen to make other things happen but it feels out of character in a lot of ways. Of course...Addison is drunk and needy and feeling dejected from Derek. And Alex isn't the Alex we know and love from Season 3, he's the Alex we hated in Season 1, before he fell in love with Izzie and before he grew. So I think it does work. I just don't like it as much as I've liked the rest of this fic. But it is an update, and as I said, it is important...or at least will be. Obviously. Addie cheated first...well minus the elevator kiss but let's not think about that. Lol.**

**An update will be up later tonight hopefully. And it will be Mer/Der.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	8. Unbroken Part 3

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine. Today the boyfriend told me he hopes one day it is, because he knows that it's my wildest dream and that it would make me ever so happy. I think it's cute that he's hoping for me. Obviously he doesn't know that this would mean me running off with Patrick Dempsey.**

**So I reread this thing...and even though I'm not entirely in love with the last update I am entirely in love with this fiction. I am. It's true. If I hadn't written this, well I'd be sending whoever wrote it the most glowing reviews. Lol. It's sad, really. But more than anything else I have written I love this one the most. Actually I'm contemplating reworking it over the summer and making into an actual story of my own. But I'm not sure. Let me know what you all think. **

**Sorry about the lack of update last night...I wasn't sober. Lol. But here it is now. And it's very Meredith and Derek. You will all see...but well, if you're one to listen to music in the background while reading I suggest the Mer/Der theme, if you have it on your computer (you know, the piano music that plays when they have important moments). It's from Meredith's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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I hadn't known where Derek would take me. I had known the man less than 24 hours, how was I supposed to know where he would take me. Actually, going off with him probably hadn't been one of my brighter ideas. All I knew was that he was a neurosurgeon and that he had really nice hair. But besides that...he could be anything. Stupid move, Mer, stupid move.

I hadn't expected to find myself surrounded by trees though.

"Where exactly are we?" I asked him, enjoying the brilliant smile that lightened up his face.

"I found it last night. After I left the bar I took a drive and ended up here," Derek said with a shrug. He was looking at the trees like he had never seen them before, like a small child looking under a tree on Christmas morning. Part of me wanted to groan at his excitement, but it really was endearing, this brilliant neurosurgeon entranced by trees.

"And where is here?" I asked him again.

"My land," he said, smiling even more if that was possible, "or at least what will be my land."

"You're buying a forest?" I asked him, not being able to keep the smile from echoing his.

"It's not a forest," Derek argued, sounding a little put back by my statement.

"It is," I said, giggling slightly at him.

Derek rolled his eyes at me, and grabbed my hand and started leading me to another part of his future land, without saying a word to me. He led me through the trees, our feet stumbling over rocks and bumps hidden by the dark. His laughter rang through the air as one particular rock made me stumble against him, and against my better judgement I heard myself laughing along. Maybe this friend thing could work. Eventually we reached another part of his land, this part looking over the water. Ferryboat lights shined in the distance, sparkling against the water. The view was breathtaking.

I looked over at Derek to find him looking out with me, looking nervous and excited all at once.

"It's amazing," I whispered, watching his face relax again.

"It is, isn't it?" Derek said sounding in awe all over again.

"The view is..." I trailed off, not knowing how to finish my sentence. I knew Seattle, even when I had lived in Boston, Seattle had been my home. But never before had I seen it like this.

"It's the ferry boats," he whispered. I gave him a confused look. "I have a thing for ferry boats."

Ferry boats? Derek Shepherd, the man published numerous times in medical journals, completely respected world wide, had a thing for ferry boats. And wanted to buy land just to be able to look at them, land covered in trees and rocks in the middle of no where. Derek was...something else.

"What are you going to do with all this land?" I finally asked, finally pulling my eyes away from the view that spread out in front of us.

"I don't know," he said shrugging, "I just don't know."

"You don't know?" I asked, shooting him a skeptical look.

"No, I just know I love this land. I imagine I'll build a house eventually, but for now, I don't know," Derek said, moving to sit down on the ground.

I moved to sit down beside him. The ground was wet and cold, but comfortable. "What does your wife think of this plan?" I couldn't help myself asking.

"She doesn't know," Derek answered, looking down at the grass below him.

"Derek..." I started to say but he cut me off again.

"It's complicated, Meredith," Derek said. He sounded like the wind had been knocked out of him. I found myself wanting to pull him into my arms, but was pretty sure that didn't fall under that friends title that we were operating under.

"She's your wife, Derek. How complicated can it be?" I asked.

"We got married young. At the time, at the time I thought we wanted to same things in life. But things change. I want a family, I've always wanted a family. But with Addie the timing has never been right. And a couple of years ago she decided she didn't want one at all. She's happy with her carreer. Happy with me," he said.

"But you're not?" I simply asked. He had said it earlier, and for some reason I knew it. Something about him. Even when he smiled something seemed sad.

"Neither are you," he said, in form of an answer.

"I thought I was, " I said, sounding grumpy even to myself. But it was the truth. Up until the minute I had seen him in the bar, Ryan had been it for me. Maybe we hadn't been passionate, maybe there had been no stolen kisses in elevators. But he was wonderful, and I loved him and he was safe. Most of all he was safe. After a lifetime of hurt, I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I was happy with him, or at least content. And then McDreamy had sat in a bar and smiled at me.

"Do you love him?" he asked bluntly.

"Yeah. I love him," I said quietly.

"But there's a difference between love and..." Derek said, trailing off, but I knew what he was thinking, I knew what he meant. There was a difference between love and whatever it was that we saw in eachother. I felt his hand reach towards mine and nearly pulled mine away. We were friends. Friends didn't hold hands. But apparently I didn't have the strength, as I felt his fingers wrap around my own.

"Derek..." I started, not actually knowing what it was I planned to say after his name.

But he cut me off before I had the chance. "So it's intense, this thing I have...for ferry boats that is."

I laughed at him, squeezing his hand as we both fell into a companionable silence.

Friends, we could do friends.

_And you know in time, you'll wake to find you're a little unbroken._

**I'm not going to lie to you. I love this chapter. Because it's Meredith and Derek actually getting to know eachother, not just talking about sex and making out. Which is fine but this is needed to. Meredith had to know why Derek was less than happy. And Derek had to know Meredith wasn't great either. So they talked. And it was all cute. And Derek and Meredith are really trying to be friends with the talking. But they can't help but hold hands. **

**It also gives you some background on where Derek and Addison are relationship wise. About the child situation. And about how Meredith actually feels about Ryan and all that stuff. But there will be more on that on all fronts for both couples. Because obviously relationships are a lot more complicated than that.**

**An update will be up later tonight, or at least it should be.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	9. Unbroken Part 4

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine. I wish and wish and wish, but it's not. However last night when I was drunk I did tell my friends that one day the show will be mine. So now I have them all convinced...okay, maybe not convinced. More of laughing at me, but whatever.**

**I love that everyone is loving this fic, yay for that! Thanks for all the great reviews and feedback. Alerts are down again, which sucks, but at least I'm getting some feedback so I'm happy about that. Yay!**

**This chapter wasn't supposed to be the chapter it is, but I've decided I need to build the Mer/Der friendship up more before throwing too much angsty stuff at them (like their other halfs finding out they are friends) so yeah...this chapter is being thrown in. It's basically fluff...of a friendship variety. Just you know...showing that this friendship thing really is on the go...and could very well be working out fine. So yes. From Derek's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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I looked at the tiny blonde sitting beside me, a bowl of popcorn nestled in her lap, her eyes fixated on the tv screen. I contemplated reaching over to get more but knew that it would lead to an attack from her tiny ineffectual fists. For someone so tiny she could sure eat a lot of food.

I had learned that in the last week. I had learned a lot in the last week. It had been a week since I had taken her to see the land that was now mine. We had spent the entire night talking about everything and had been inseperable ever since. Every night after work we found a time to hang out. Everything from drinks at Joe's, to grocery shopping, we were together. Addison was too busy doing god knows what and was never home to realize I wasn't home. And I wasn't quite certain what was up with Ryan not being around, nor did I care. I just enjoyed hanging around with Meredith.

"I never took you for the chick flick type," I said, having stopped paying attentiont to the movie a while ago. I'd much rather watch Meredith munch on popcorn.

"I'm not," she answered back, still staring at the television.

"Which explains why we are watching The Lakehouse," I said, trying hard not to laugh at her.

"Izzie rented it," she said, sounding annoyed and pulling her eyes away from the tv to look at me. "And nothing is on tv. So it's either this, George's anime collection or my mom's surgery tapes."

"I'd much rather watch surgery," I responded, honestly. I wasn't one to sit around and study surgeries on my days off, but well anything would beat The Lakehouse right about now. No real man can watch a Sandra Bullock movie and still feel...well, manly.

"Der, it's our day off," she said, sounding adorably whiney.

"Which reminds me, I just moved her, shouldn't we be out sightseeing or something?" I asked her.

"No. I don't sight-see. Tourists sight-see. If you want to do that you can do it on another day off, on a day I don't have off," she said, sounding very matter of fact and very doctor like.

"Fine," I said poutting, but knowing she wouldn't fall for it. I had spent my whole life having girls fall all over my looks, she never did. It made me like her all that much more. Of course I had that one look I knew would stop her in her tracks. The look that brought back fond elevator memories. But we were friends, so that look was never used, or spoken of.

"Have you told Addison yet?" she asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"About what?" I asked, faking innocence even though I knew exactly what she was asking about.

"Moving to Seattle officially," Meredith answered. "She should know."

"No, I haven't talked to her yet. We haven't said more than hi and how are you all week." I answered. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that one. In some ways our play of avoidance was a relief. In more ways it was a pain. Because the longer we didn't talk the longer we stayed in the limbo our marriage had become. In New York that didn't bother me. But now with the tiny beautiful blonde beside me, it felt like a waste.

"Derek, talk to her. She needs to know. I know it's complicated but she's your wife and she has a right to know that you're moving across the country. She has decisions to make and stuff," Meredith said, giving me her stern Meredith look. Everytime she did it I swore she was trying to be Cristina, or maybe even Bailey, but she always failed miserably. She looked more cute than anything else.

"And what do you hope she decides?" I asked, smiling at her.

When I had arrived here I never would have thought of Addison and I ending things. Even though I wanted to move to Seattle and I knew she loved New York, ending things had never occured to me.Life wasn't great but it was life. And I was living. But every second I spent with Meredith had a way of highlighting how drab and awful my life had become. Things were changing. Quickly. When I had stepped off the plane I had known what I wanted, now I wasn't so sure.

"Derek!" Meredith hissed at me, "friends, we're friends."

"It's a shame, really. Because if we weren't friends, if we were something else, I could think of a lot more fun things to do than watch this movie," I said, not even trying not to flirt. I knew I shouldn't be, I knew friends didn't flirt. But with Meredith, I sometimes just couldn't help myself.

"Derek!" she yelled again, but I could hear the amusement in her voice. She looked over at me and caught the laughter in my eyes, the laughter that was reflected in her own. Letting out a small giggle she reaching into the bowl, pulling out a handful of popcorn and throwing it in my direction.

"Oh, Dr. Grey, you asked for it!" I said, laughing as a piece of popcorn bounced against my forehead.

And then I dove un top of her, knocking the bowl balanced on her lap onto the carpet in front of us, spewing popcorn everywhere that we'd have to clean up later. But that was later. My hands found the sides of her waist, and began to gently tickle her as her face spread into a larger smile. I didn't remember the last time I had a tickle fight but this was far too much fun to stop. She gasped my name, and asked me stop, in between every laugh that came out of her mouth. But her hands had traveled to my own sides, and she had started to tickle me too. It was an all out tickle war like I hadn't experienced since I was little. God, she was fun. I never wanted to stop.

Until I realized just how much squriming she was doing underneath me,

Our faces were inches apart as the laughter died in my throat, my hands taking a rest at her side. It took her a second to notice the change of my mood as her eyes met mine, the laughter coming to an end, the tickles stopping in their tracks.

"Meredith," I said, sounding choked up sounding like I couldn't breathe right.

"Derek," she responded sounding the same way

And then I felt my head lowering towards hers. We were friends, friends should not kiss, especially while laying on top of eachother on a couch. Kissing was bad. We were friends. She has a boyfriend. I have a wife. Married, me, I'm married. All these thoughts ran through my head but none seemed loud enough to stop the movement of my head.

And then a door swung open, causing us to freeze where we were. Not kissing but only no more than 3 inches away from it.

"What's going on?" a voice said from behind us.

Shit.

Ryan.

_And inevitably what used to be, will succumb to the pull of gravity._

**Or maybe the friendship thing isn't working out at all. Because well friends don't usually tickle eachother like that, and they definitely don't nearly kiss. But well...the tickling wasn't supposed to happen. But Meredith threw pop corn and the Derek in my head wanted to tickle her in retaliation. So I let him. I keep making him keep little Derek in his pants so I thought I'd give him something. And I liked how it worked in. Because this chapter...well it shows that they talk about things, that Meredith knows about everything going on with Addison. And that they really are trying to be just friends. But there's a huge amount of sexual tension and flirting there and neither can help it. And Derek is getting confused...because he knows he's married but Meredith is there and now he doesn't know what he wants. And then I introduced a wonderful cliff...in which Ryan was supposed to just see them watching a movie, but instead found them tangled up with eachother. Hahaha.**

**And here's a warning...this isn't going to be smooth sailing. Derek isn't going to find out Addie is cheating on him very soon and tell Mer and declare his love and Mer isn't going to dump Ryan just like that. Because this is life...well it's fanfic life. And things don't go that smoothly. So don't think this is going to stay fluff. Because it's not.**

**Next chapter is Mer/Ryan. And will be up maybe tomorrow morning but more likely tomorrow night sometime after supper.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	10. Hold Me Part 1

**Disclaimer: There is 9 days to a new episode of Grey's Anatomy. If it was my show...there'd be 9 minutes. No 9 seconds. No 9 milliseconds. Because I'm desperate for a new Grey's Anatomy episode, and I'm pretty sure you are all too.**

**So apparently people don't like when I leave cliffs. Lol. I never ever leave cliffs and I just did. And apparently my fans are not fans of cliffhanger. Never realized that one before. But yes, Derek and Ryan didn't like eachother from the first second they saw eachother...and now Derek was about to kiss Ryan's girlfriend and he caught them. So yes...that was a cliff. Because well Ryan isn't about to say how happy he is to see Derek again.**

**And in even more fun news...this chapter is being told from Ryan's perspective. Because I think it's about time that you get to know him a little better. We know that Meredith think he's safe and that she loves him, or at least thinks she does, but we have no idea what's going on inside Ryan's head. So yeah...here he is. **

**Enjoy!**

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Meredith and I were happy.

Okay, maybe not happy. We had been happy, really happy at one time. But then she had finished med school and started working at Seattle Grace. I may not be as smart as Meredith and her doctor friends, but I also wasn't stupid. I knew being an intern would take a lot of her time. I knew that. I just hadn't expected this much of her time. And I hadn't known she would find all these new friends and have even less time for me. So maybe we weren't happy. But we did love eachother. And love was enough.

Or at least it was until I went to her house and found her tangled up on the couch with that neurosurgeon. I had never liked how he looked at her. And now I had to not like how she looked at him.

"Umm hi..." the neurosurgeon said from on top of her.

I chose to ignore him. Because if I didn't ignore him I might say something stupid, or even worse do something stupid. Like punch him. And as much as I hated whatever it was that he shared with my girlfriend, I got that he was her boss now. And because of that, I couldn't punch him. It would be bad. And wouldn't actually make Meredith and I any happier than we were now. "Meredith..." I said, hearing the anger resonating in my voice.

"Ryan," she said, not even trying to move away from her position underneath him. She looked to comfortable for my liking. Too much like she liked being there.

"I think we need to talk," I said, actually shocked at how calm my voice sounded.

"Ummm...I think that I'm going to go," Derek said, finaling move off from on top of my girlfriend. "Meredith, I'll see you later. Call me if you need me?" he said, as he squeezed her hand. She gives him a small smile. Why this Derek seems to think my girlfriend would need him I'm not quite sure.

As soon as Derek leaves guilt flashes over Meredith's face. Her eyes are brimming with tears and there was a time I would have pulled her into my arms. But the thought of her in that other man's arms were still to fresh on my mind. "Ryan, it's not what it looked like," she finally said.

"So my girlfriend wasn't about to kiss another man?" I asked, anger stinging my voice.

"Okay, maybe it is, but..." Meredith said in a quiet voice.

"Meredith, right now I don't think I want to hear it. Maybe I should just go," I said, turning to look towards the door. Running wasn't my thing, I stuck. I was a sticker. Communication, talking, being there, I had always been good at those things. I was that guy. But right now I didn't know I could be that guy.

"Ryan, it was nothing!" she said from behind me.

"You were on the couch about to stick your tongue down his throat Mer!" I said. Giving her time to be a doctor was one thing. I hated it but knew it was part of her and our life. But she didn't need time to make out with another guy.

"Ryan, we just got caught up in the moment," Meredith said, back to talking quietly.

"A moment?" I said, hearing the disgust on my voice.

"Ryan it was nothing. Derek and I...we're just friends. Nothing more. Friends," she said.

"You were about to kiss him!" I rarely got this angry, I never got this angry. It wasn't me. But I had never been in this position before.

'It was nothing. He's...Derek...he means nothing to me. He's just a friend. That thing on the couch, it was a mistake. A really big mistake. He's married. He has a wife, Ryan. And his wife is glorious, she's something else. He doesn't want me. He just...he just wants to be friends. What you saw...it was nothing." She's crying now, not sobbing, just silently crying and I hate myself for making her cry. She was Meredith, my Meredith. She wouldn't cheat on me, especially not with a married man. I was an ass.

"You swear?" I said finally, all the anger drained from my voice.

"Ryan, I love you." Meredith said back, nodding her head at me.

"You have a funny way of showing it," I said, not really wanting to make the fight any longer but for some reason unable to stop myself.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Meredith said, anger now tinging her voice.

"I never see you anymore," I said quietly.

"Ryan, I have a job, I'm busy," she says back.

"I know, but now this Derek guy is..." don't know how to finish the sentence without making it sound like I was accusing her of cheating again.

"Peeing all over your territory?" Meredith said with a small giggle.

"I guess," I said with a shrug.

"I'm sorry you feel threatened, really sorry. But I'm not giving Derek up, Ryan. I like him. He's a friend. I don't want to lose that, I don't want to lose him," Meredith said in a quiet voice.

"Okay," I respond quietly. Even though it's not okay. Because there is something between Meredith and Derek, even if she denies it. Even if he's married and she loves me. There's something there. In the few seconds I had seen them together, I knew something was there. But I love Meredith, and if she says that nothing is going on, I trust her. Because she wouldn't cheat, she wouldn't fall in love with a married man. That's not my Meredith. So if she wanted to friends with Derek, if she needed Derek to be her friend, than I had to trust her.

Because maybe just maybe, giving her this, would make things a little better between us.

_Like enemies at war we build defences and secret hiding places._

**So overall I think this chapter is crap. Sorry. Okay, actually upon reading it it's not as bad as I originally thought but still, I'm less than in love with it. But I guess it work. Ryan is less than happy about what he saw, but he loves Meredith so he trust that she wouldn't cheat on him with a married man, but he's still feeling quite threatened about the whole situation. But he loves her so he's willing to give her this in hopes that it will make her happy. And at the same time, Meredith is sad because she has to tell Ryan that nothing is going on, she has to convince herself that nothing is going on. She has to admit it's nothing. But Ryan thinks she's upset about him. And well she's not. So really neither of them are on the same page but they think they are...at least Ryan thinks they are.**

**The next update will be up later tonight probably. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	11. Hold Me Part 2

**Disclaimer: Writing two update a day, well more like a night, make it hard to actually think of a different disclaimer every time. So I'm being unoriginal for this one. I don't own Grey's Anatomy or Derek and Addison (the two people in this update). I just borrow it all to play sometimes. So no suing.**

**So yeah, this chapter is happening at the same time as Meredith and Ryan's chapter. Well after Derek took off. Because he had to go somewhere. So he went home, well to the hotel and the one person he's been avoiding is there. So yeah...when Meredith is stuck dealing with Ryan, Derek is stuck dealing with Addison. And life is startingto get messy and complicated. Yay for that. This chapter is from Addison's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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I had grown up always assuming that one day I'd get married and be the perfect wife, have the perfect family and be just well, perfect. That had been my goal. That was my dream when I married Derek.

Of course somewhere along the way life had gotten in the way.

Now I wasn't the perfect wife with the perfect family. Now I was the wife who had gotten consumed by my carreer and decided that a family might not be as important as it once was, much to the annoyance of my less than perfect husband. I was the wife who had managed to go a week without saying anything important to the man I married. And somewhere along the way I had become the wife that had hot, dirty, amazing sex with an intern.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd did not have affairs.

I heard the door of the hotel room open and was surprised to turn around and find my husband standing in the doorway, looking frazzled and confused. His face dropped into a small oh when he saw me but he entered the room without saying a word, throwing his jacket on our bed. I felt invisible, more so than I ever had in New York.

"So you signed the contract," I said finally.

"How did you know?" Derek asked me, a look of confusion contorting his beautiful face. If there was thing I could say for my husband was that he aged well.

"You're name on the board today was a dead give away. Besides Webber asked me to sign as well, assuming you'd want me here," I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice, trying to act like nothing was wrong with Derek making this decision without me. "Were you planning on telling me?"

Derek sat down on the edge of the bed, his head falling into his hands as he ruffled his hair with his fingers. "I was going to...I just..." he says, trailing off, the torment obvious in his voice.

I found myself sitting down beside him. It was the closest we had been in a long time. "How did we get here, Derek?"

"I don't know, Addie," Derek said, I can hear the sadness and regret in his voice and almost forget to be mad at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I said, feeling a little repetitive but I needed an answer. I needed something.

"I was going to, I was. You just haven't been here, " Derek said, still looking at the ground.

"What exactly does this mean for us, Derek?" I asked him, almost afraid to hear his answer. I knew he was never here now. I knew he was always away. I even had heard the hospital rumours, the ones all about his questionable friendship with a young female intern. I didn't trust those rumours, he hadn't been here long enough to have questionable friendships. He wasn't the type to have questionable friendships. But still, I heard what people said. And he was never here.

"It means you have a choice to make," he answered simply, because there was nothing else he really could say.

I had a choice to make. New York City, shopping, friends, Prada and Gucci. Or Seattle, rain, my husband and who knows what else. I loved New York. I was New York. But Derek was my husband. We had been married for 11 years, that was 11 Christmases, 11 birthdays. He was my family. And maybe right now we weren't in a good spot, maybe things has been bad about us for a couple years, ever since I told him I didn't want children. But he was my husband. And I owed him this, after taking away children, I owed him Seattle. Alex Karev quickly crossed my mind. After a night of drunken sex with another man I owed Derek this. He was my husband.

We were Derek and Addison, that had to mean something. After all this time that still had to mean something.

"I'll sign my contract tomorrow," I finally said.

"You will?" Derek said. I didn't have to look at him to see the surprise on his voice, I could hear it in his voice. Mixed in with something that sounded an awful lot like dissapointment but I chose to ignore that. For the sake of my marriage I needed to ignore that.

"Yeah," I say quietly as we fall into silence, both looking at the floor below our feet. Typically a married couple should be celebrating this kind of decision, but for the last couple of years nothing had been typical between us, nothing at all. "So I heard something about you and a slutty intern."

"Meredith isn't slutty," he answers immediately, with more fire in his voice than I've heard in a long time. "And we're just friends, Addie. She has a boyfriend," he says, the bitterness clear in his voice. And I couldn't help but wonder if things would be different if this Meredith didn't have a boyfriend. Of course I won't ask anything. Because that would be facing it. And if we faced what it could be, it wouldn't make it very easy to work on the mess our marriage was.

"Oh. So where are we going to live?" I asked him.

"I bought land out by the river," and then his face lights up and he laughs quietly. "According to Meredith I bought a forest."

"Oh," I say again, not quite sure how to take that last comment. Because I didn't want to live in a forest. And something about him showing it to Meredith seemed wrong. "Are we going to build a house?"

"I don't know," he said sighing, and shifting slightly on the bed. "I think I'm going to go shower and head to bed," he finally said.

I lean over, planning on giving him a kiss, knowing it had been a long time since we had done that. But at the last second he turned away, forcing my lips to find his cheek as he pulled away from the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing yet again, and I couldn't help but think that my husband was less than thrilled that I had decided to follow him to Seattle.

_So tell me isn't happiness worth more than a gold diamond ring._

**Wow. That ended up being a lot sadder and more heartbreaking than I intended. Because this marriage is falling apart, but Addie is too terrified to admit it to herself. So she sacrifices New York and moves for him because he's her family. And she doesn't really know what else to do. So she's sticking because he's her husband. And that has to mean something. So she's giving up all this to make it work. And he's in love with another woman. It's all kind of heartbreaking. And you can't but feel sorry for this woman that's clingy to something that is already dead. It's just...sad.**

**And honestly I didn't know I had it in me to write Addek. I've never written any Addek before, besides fighting and stuff. This chapter has shocked me. My love for this chapter has shocked me. I blame it on my boyfriend love for Addie...he's poisoned me.**

**So yeah, more updates should be up tomorrow. It's the plan. However it's also my last day with my boyfriend before he leaves so I can't promise that I'll be in the mood but I'm going to try. Really try.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	12. Love is Blindness

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine. Me and some friends have been planning a hostile take over for some time now but as it stands right now GA is not mine. However you will all know when the takeover happens...Derek will never wear clothes again. Neither will Mark. Just a whole bunch of naked people running all over the place.**

**First a completely unrelated story...that has to do with GA but not this fic. My boyfriend has a poster up in his room of a nearly naked chick and it says "Perfect woman...perfect attitude" and it has things a woman could say that would make her perfect. Now many of them I can relate to such as "What's a soap opera", "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed" , "No, that's okay you use the phone, I'll chat with my friends when I see them" and a whole bunch of others. However one of the things is "I'm so glad you changed the channel in the middle of that tedious hospital drama I was watching". I just noticed that one today and I was like "Dude, I only watch one hospital drama and if you changed the channel during it you'd be dead so fast you wouldn't even have time to put down the remote." Seriously. That's just wrong.**

**And wow...this is the 12th chapter of this fic. And nothing is yet to happen...hahaha. Well nothing like what I have planned. Which leads me to answering a question someone asked...this fic is going to be long. I mean this is chapter 12...and I have like the next 10 chapters planned out and it's still not even close to being done. I'd say at least 40 chapters...give or take. Maybe longer if people are still interested in it. Seriously. Long. And I'm not apologizing for that...the road is long, with many awinding turns...but it's a good road. And I'm really excited to have you with me on this road.**

**So after a break from Mer/Der in the last two chapters, and an Addek scene that was really nice...I think it's time for some Mer/Der friendship. Don't you all agree? So here we are...from Derek's perspective because I have the hots for him. Actually because he's more than confused than Meredith is. Hahaha. And although it won't be made clear they're walking together along that path where they took Doc for walks.**

**Enjoy!**

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"So apparently another Shepherd is joining us at Seattle Grace?" Meredith said, her voice making it unclear of whether she happy with this news or not.

"Apparently," I answered, my voice making it abundently clear that I wasn't happy. I knew I should be happy, I had every reason to be happy. But I just wasn't. The idea of Addison moving here with me just made me feel guilty, because quite frankly, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted her to be here.

"You should be happy," Meredith chided me, sounding like the voice that has been pounding in my head since the night before.

"I should be," I agreed as I handed her the water bottle I was carrying for her to have some.

She paused as she gulped on the water. "But you're not," she finally said, For someone who had known me just over a week she had a frightening way at reading my mind.

"I'm just...I'm trying to be happy," I said, at a loss for anything else to say considering my situation. "It's just...I thought..."

"That your wife would refuse to move here and things would be over. And you'd pull your charm and I'd fall into your arms. And we could have the chance that we so obviously want," Meredith said sounding bitter enough to make me realize that she had thought the same thing. But now...now my wife had made the ultimate sacrifice for me, she had given up life in New York for me. I couldn't just walk away from that. Even if it meant no children and no Meredith.

I just nodded and she handed me back the water bottle.

"Maybe we shouldn't be friends," Meredith said so quietly I barely heard her. But her words managed to make my heart stop.

Us? Not friends?

"What?" I asked, hearing the confusion and fear in my own voice. "What are you talking about?"

"Us as friends. People are getting hurt, Derek. Relationships are getting hurt. Maybe this isn't going to work."

"Did Ryan give you a hard time last night?" I asked, suddenly remembering the delicate situation from the night before. Addison's decision had completely made me forget that Meredith's boyfriend had caught us close to kissing and that last night couldn't have been easy on her. I felt like an ass.

"Not at all. But that's the problem," Meredith said, sounding just short of hysterical.

It was seven in the morning. Seven in the morning was far too early to interpret girl flip out into normal conversation. "What's the problem?"

"The near kiss last night is the problem. The kiss on the elevator. Derek, when we're alone together we can't keep our hands to ourselves. I can't keep my hands to myself. I don't even want to keep my hands to myself," Meredith said, sounding even worse now.

"You don't want to keep your hands to yourself?" I couldn't help but tease raising an eyebrow in her direction.

"I shouldn't have said that," Meredith said. I went to respond but she cut me off. "The point is, and I do have a point, two previously spoken for people who can't keep their hands off eachother probably don't make the best of friends. They shouldn't be friends at all. You have a wife. And I have a boyfriend. Who I'm really trying to be happy with. He's pretty great you know? And you...you...you just mess things up, we can't be friends, Derek," Meredith said this bit rather calmly, as if she had spent last night planning it all out in her head.

"Meredith," I started, although I wasn't sure exactly what I had planned to come after her name, I just knew I had to say something, that I couldn't just let her walk away from this, whatever this was.

"Derek," she cut me off, sparing me the task of coming up with something else to say, "we can't."

"Can you honestly walk away from this?" I asked her shocked at how scratchy and hurt my own voice sounded. But I couldn't imagine walking away, I couldn't imagine her walking away. From our morning walks any day she didn't have pre-rounds. And the always buying eachother coffee. And hanging out as soon as we got off work wherever we ended up being. Even the patient talk, something I had always hated discussing with Addison, Meredith made it come alive. She couldn't walk away from this.

"If I was a better woman, I'd try. If I was stronger, if I didn't need you," she said, her voice strained with unshed tears.

I pulled her close quickly, giving her a tight squeeze of comfort. "I need you too, Mer."

"But you have to promise that you will try to make things work with Addison. She's moving across a country for you. You should try," Meredith pleaded with me.

"I promise," I respond quietly, silently contemplating whether I should make her promise to make things work with Ryan. But I can't force the words off my tongue. I don't want things to work with Ryan, I don't like Ryan. I can't be as good as she is, I can't be as caring.

"And no flirting, or McDreamy looks," she said, in her adorably stern voice.

"But you like the McDreamy looks," I said, giving her one of them.

"It's not about what I like, it's about what the wife and the boyfriend like," she said sounding even more grumpy. "And breaking the rules."

"So if I follow these rules we can stay friends?" I said, almost teasing as I handed the water bottle back to her.

"Yes," Meredith said, smiling her brilliant smile again.

Friends.

Honestly I could do friends, I could.

**Yet again...the characters in my head were being stubborn. Meredith in my head was in a freak out mode after having a fight with Ryan and finding out that Addison was indeed staying. She really felt the need to flip out about hers and Derek's friendship. Because they both know they're not really friends, not in the true sense of the word. And they admitted that they both thought maybe Addie would leave but well...she didn't. So Meredith flipped and nearly ended the friendship. But they need eachother...and they both get that...so they didn't walk away, they couldn't walk away. This chapter wasn't supposed to go exactly this way but I'm glad it did...these rules set up some stuff that is coming up. So yeah.**

**And I know technically that I never had Derek finding out about his McDreamy nickname...so just imagine that within the past week Meredith clued him in to it. On that note to answer something else that was raised in reviews...about Addison not finding out Derek was signed in till a week later. I know it's a stretch...but chances are in real life Derek wouldn't have been operating right away anyway. And it's a big hospital. So just stretch your imaginations enough to believe that they never ran into eachother at work. I know hard to believe...but it could happen.**

**Anyway another chapter might be up tonight. Not sure. Going to watch End of the World (a friend just watched it and put me in the mood) and I'll write while I'm watching but I'm not sure if that will be enough to get a chapter up. Might be but not making promises. So yeah. Oh and Season 3 will be updated soonish...probably by Saturday at the latest. And if this one isn't updated tonight...it probably will be heavily tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	13. Happy Part 1

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy got nominated for a SAG award...again. If I owned GA I wouldn't be sitting at home tonight writing fanfic and watching GA repeats, I'd be out celebrating. And yet...here I am. So GA...not mine.**

**Thanks for all the great praise! I'm glad that everyone is really enjoying this fic. I think I've had the most fun writing this one, so I'm glad that everyone seems to be having fun reading it. **

**So this chapter is kind of coming out of no where but it's something that has to happen. Because even though Meredith has seen Addison, she's never actually met the woman. And Addison is one of her bosses...well boss's boss but still. They had to end up working together eventually...and as Addison knows about the Der/Mer friendship...and Mer knows everything about Addison, well it should be fun and awkward. So yeah...had to happen. Meredith needs to meet the wife.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Grey you're with Montgomery-Shepherd. Yang, Shepherd. Karev you're with Burke. O'Malley and Stevens you have the joy of being in the pit, remember that next time you decide to be late. No complaints," Bailey said, raising one hand and walking away before we even had the chance to complain.

Not that I had reason to complain.

I could work with McWife. Derek and I were just friends, pure platonic friends. Which meant that working his wife wasn't a problem at all, that it was actually an adventure, as I had already heard so much about the woman. Maybe not always good things, but things. If I was going to be friends with her husband I had to meet her eventually. I could work with my friend's wife.

It would be easier if I hadn't had a dream about jumping her husband the night before, but I could do this.

"Dr. Grey," I heard a friendly voice greet me as I approached the nurses' desk.

I turned around meeting the familiar red head. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," I said, nodding my head slightly and trying my best to make my voice steady.

"Nice to finally meet you, I've heard it plenty about you," Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd said, smiling slightly at me. She was being friendly, for some reason I hadn't expected friendly from her. I wasn't sure how to handle friendly. Derek hadn't made her sound quite friendly.

"Umm. You too. Nice and yeah," I said, stumbling over my words.

"Call me Addison," she said, friendly yet again.

"Meredith, call me Meredith," I said a little uncertain of how to take all this. I had made out with her husband on an elevator. I had nearly made out with her husband on my couch. If her husband was here right now, I'd want to make out with him. And yet she was being nice. To me. Of course she didn't know all this, but well, nice to me just seemed wrong.

"Meredith. It's a tough case today, I hope you're ready," Addison said, picking a chart up off the counter and heading towards the elevator.

"Touch case?" I asked. It was my first case in this field, I didn't need a tough case as my first case.

"A 30 year old woman with ovarian cancer. She's here for a hysterectomy," Addison explained sounding sad at the thought. "Her and her husband were trying to get pregnant when she was diagnosed."

"Oh. Is this is the only thing we can do?" I asked. I had to ask. I knew I wasn't supposed to ask, but I had to ask. Because this girl was so young and giving up such a big dream. And just, I had to ask.

"Yes, but this is her best chance," Addison said simply as we stepped onto the elevator.

"That's so sad. Not being able to have children. Having to give up children just like that," I said quietly, immediately regretting my words as I thought of Addison's decision not to have children.

"So from the look on your face he told you about that, did he?" Addison said, something dripping in her voice. I wasn't sure whether it was sarcasm, anger or just amusement. Derek was easy to read, I got Derek, I understood Derek. Addison was a question mark.

"Ummm..." I started, having no clue as to whether I should respond to that.

"I'm not evil, you know," she said.

"I didn't think...I mean I'm not judging. No judging from me. It's just...nothing. It's nothing," I said, quickly shaking my head.

"Not wanting children doesn't make me evil. Just because Derek wants them, I'm not evil for not wanting them," Addison said. Something about her voice made me quite certain she wasn't only trying to convince me. But this was her and Derek's mess, not mine. And I'm pretty sure mentioning anything wouldn't help Derek work on things. And I wasn't about to break my own rules.

"I know...it's just...Derek, he really seems to..."I start but trail off, not wanting to take Derek's side, not wanting to start something that Derek would have to finish.

"You and my husband certainly are close," Addison said, looking at me suspiciously.

"Friends. Derek and I are just friends," I said in a rush. Rushing was not good, I knew rushing was not good. Rushing made me, made Derek look suspicious. Rushing was bad.

"So he says," Addison said, nodding slightly, "We could be friends too you know."

"Us? Friends?" I squeaked out. I could work with McWife but being friends with her seemed maybe just a little impossible.

"You're friends with my husband, that makes you my friend, doesn't it?" Addison said, sounding more friendly than I expected.

"I guess," I said quietly.

The thing was Derek and I weren't friends. Well we were friends but not the kind of friends that can be friends with eachothers other halfs. Because we made out in an elevator. And people couldn't go from that to this, whatever this was. I couldn't go from that to this. Because my life was complicated enough, mine and Derek's life was complicated enough without me trying to pull off a friendship with his wife. Because I couldn't be friends with his wife, I wasn't the kind of girl that could be friends with the wife. I could not pretend to be friend's with McDreamy's wife.

"Come on, Grey," Addison beckoned me.

I hadn't even noticed the elevator had stopped. I had been friends with Addison for five seconds and I already hadn't noticed a wide open elevator door. This is why we could not be friends.

_I'm so happy for you I could cry. Yeah I'm so elated, cross my heart and hope to die._

**So I'm not actually a fan of this chapter, but well I made it as good as I could. But it had to happen and it had to be awkward. Meredith had to meet Addison eventually. And it had to be awkward. Because as much as Derek and Meredith keep on pulling the friends thing, Meredith knows they aren't just simply friends, that something more is going on. And for that reason she knows she can't be friends with his wife. Even though she knows she can't not be friends with him. And then Addie is being wonderfully nice and great and friendly and Meredith just feels awkward and wrong and everything else. And Addison is just feeling like she was on the show...she gets that Derek is close with Mer and wants to be part of that. But more on that will come out later.**

**Anyway, another update should be up later tonight. Maybe 2 but definitely one. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	14. Happy Part 2

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I'd be having sex with Patrick Dempsey right now. Because I want to. And if I owned GA, well he wouldn't have a choice. I'd be all "sex now or no more job, I can kill off McDreamy"...so yeah...sex for me.**

**Hahaha yeah, that's so my favourite disclaimer I have ever used.**

**So ummm...this chapter is Derek and Ryan. Just for balance. I figure since I put Meredith through the hell of having to work with Derek's wife, the least I could do was force Derek to talk to Ryan for a couple of minutes. But the Addie/Mer thing was awkward and left you feeling slightly bad for both of them. Derek and Ryan...well they just cross swords. And who doesn't love Derek's sword. Wow...my brain is porny tonight. I blame it on the pictures from the Freedom Writer's premiere...god he looked hot.**

**Enjoy!**

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Having my wife at work wasn't as good as I had expected it to be.

Okay, that's a lie, I hadn't really expected Addison working at the hospital with me to be a good thing. We had never worked together, I had never wanted to work with her. But now I didn't really have a choice. I hadn't even seen her most of the day. But Meredith had. Meredith had spent the day working with my wife.

Which was fine, because Meredith and I were friends. And Addison had moved across the country to be with me. My friend could work with my wife.

"Derek," I heard a voice from somewhere nearby.

I looked up from my Sidekick to find Ryan approaching me. "Ryan, how's life behind the calculator?" I couldn't help myself from asking him.

And this is why Meredith is a much better person than I am. Because she had spent the day probably being sickenly nice to my wife and respecting her and listening to her and acting like we had never made out on an elevator. But I couldn't do that with Ryan. Because his girlfriend had kissed me on an elevator. Or I had kissed her. Someone had kissed someone. And after that kiss I couldn't be nice to her boyfriend, even if I was trying with my wife, even after we made rules.

"So where's the wife?" Ryan asked looking around the lobby.

"Upstairs saving lives, it's what we do around here," I replied.

"So you and my girlfriend seem to be quite close," Ryan asked. From the tone of his voice I could hear that he wasn't quite thrilled about the idea. Not that I blamed him.

"We're friends," I simply answered.

"Friends who make out on her couch?" Ryan asked.

"Friends who nearly make out on her couch," I responded, not even trying to stop myself from laughing.

"Something tells me there would have been no almost about it had I not walked in at that exact moment," Ryan said, sounding like one of my nephews whining about something.

I laughed and started to respond when I felt someone walk up behind me. Not someone, Meredith. I didn't have to turn around to know that it was her. That flowery smell filled my nose, making my stomach fill with butterflies. That hadn't happened since highschool. It wasn't so much how Meredith felt as it was how I felt the second that she was in presence that alerted me to who it was. Besides, the look on Ryan's face as he was her would have given anyone away.

"What are you two talking about?" she asked, worry evident in her voice.

"We were just discussing..." Ryan said, trailing off and sounding awkward.

"We were talking about our near kiss on the couch," I finished for him, flirtasiously winking at Meredith. "And how hot it could have been."

Panic widenend her eyes as her mouth dropped into a tiny little "o". The look on her face made me want to kiss her, but instead I just laughed. Which apparently was enough to knock her out of her shock and catapult her into anger. "Derek!" she hissed my name.

"I'm sorry, am I breaking the rules?" I asked her, faking innocence. Her eyes met mine, and before I could think otherwise I softened my eyes, letting a gentle smile curve my lips, my best McDreamy look according to her friends. With the simple look I watched the tension ease from her face and her body, all her anger at me forgotten. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that we'd be alright, that regardless of whatever rules were made and broken that we'd figure this out.

"Rules?" Ryan's confused voice piped up.

"It's nothing Ryan," Meredith said, pulling her eyes away from mine and looking at her boyfriend. "Derek's just being an idiot."

"Hey, they're not my rules," I said with a shrug.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm missing something here?" Ryan asked, looking between the two of us. "What's going on between you and Derek?" he asked Meredith.

"Nothing is going on between me and Derek," Meredith answered Ryan, but looking at me. Well sending me a warning look but still looking at me. Details were less than important.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asked, now looking at me as well. I had a feeling he expected me to answer.

No, we're not sure, Ryan. Because I really like kissing her. In a way I haven't like kissing anyone in a very long time. And something about her makes my world stop and then start all over again. Just meeting her in the bar saved me. She fits me, something about her fits me. And I need her, in a way I never have needed anyone. So no, we're not sure that nothing is going on between me and Meredith, ran through my mind.

"Yes, we're sure," was all I actually said. "I have a wife. And I'm happy for you two, I am." I said, the words not even sounding convincing to myself.

Confussion contorted Meredith's perfect features. "You are?"

"I am. Meredith, you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy, someone that makes your heart skip a beat. Someone who you can't keep your hands off of. If Ryan is that guy, I'm happy for you," I said, knowing my words would reassure Ryan. And knowing that Meredith would clearly know that I wasn't happy for her. That I was about as happy for her as she was for me and Addison. But Meredith and I had both had other people, we had commitments. So friends, we were friends.

One day I'd learn to ignore the fact I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her, right in the middle of the lobby, damned who saw us.

_I don't think about you every night before I close my eyes, I'm so happy for you baby, I could cry._

**Okay...so it kind of changed. Because Derek in my head kept being stubborn and wanting to brush off Ryan instead of talk to him. So I had to do something. And introducing Meredith worked best. Because all of a sudden he went into flirty mode because he just can't help himself when Meredith is around. And then he did the whole pretending to be happy for them...when really he's not. But he worded it in a way to make it clear to Meredith that he wasn't happy for them because Ryan isn't the guy Meredith can't keep her hands off. So yes...life is getting complicated because they're both trying so hard not to be anything but friends...and it's just not happening.**

**Update again later tonight...not sure what time...hopefully one before 8 and then one late late but it depends on what happens with my plans. So we will see.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	15. Someday

**Disclaimer: It's 6 days until I'll be watching a new episode of Grey's Anatomy. Hahaha actually it's six days to Six Days. However if I owned Grey's Anatomy (which I don't btw) I'd be watching it right now. Just because I could. **

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I strive to actually make my stories sound most true to character as humanly possible. So when people tell me I'm doing a good job on that front...well I love it. So thank you, thank you. And completely randomly I love Alex...watching End of the World and just felt the need to share that I do indeed love Alex. Random I know.**

**So yeah...this chapter is Meredith and Derek. And probably some of the others as well. But yes...it's mainly just Meredith and Derek cuteness. Which you can actually thank my friend Katie for (she's writing The Heart Wants what it Wants) wrote such a cute Meredith and Derek scene that I was inspired to write my own. So in thanks of inspiring me...I suggest you go read hers if you aren't already. And this is from Meredith's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Well hello, Dr. Grey," Derek said, sounding far too cheerful as he sat down beside me.

"You're eating lunch with me?" I asked as I looked at the full tray sitting in front of him.

"Yes. It's what friends generally do," Derek said, smiling at me.

Friends? What friends generally do? Only Derek would try to pull a line like that after the scene in the lobby last night. In a matter of seconds Derek had broken all the rules and now he wanted to eat lunch with me. As if nothing had happened, as if we were friends. "Seriously? Seriously? After that scene last night..."

I didn't get to finish my sentence before Derek cut in. "That was fun, wasn't it?"

"Derek, rules. We have rules for a reason," I said as sternly as I could.

Before he had a chance to respond Izzie and George approached our table, placing their trays in front of them and giving me suspicious looks. Great, just what I needed, my friends giving me suspicious looks, it's bad enough I had Ryan and now I had them too. Just what I needed.

"Meredith. Dr. Shepherd," Izzie said, sounding a little confused about the eating arrangements.

"Derek, call me Derek," Derek answered, smiling warmly at our two new table mates.

"Okay...Derek," Izzie said looking at me yet again suspiciously.

"What? Me and Derek are friends. Friends can eat lunch together. Stop looking at me like that, I'm allowed to eat lunch with my friend," I said, trying to actually make my voice sound a lot more convincing than it wanted to.

"Oh, now you want to eat lunch with your friend," Derek said, actually laughing at me.

I narrowed my eyes at him, seriously doubting my decision to be friends with him. For a top neurosurgeon he managed to be quite annoying. "Derek, last night..."

"What about last night?" Cristina said, coming to join our odd group.

"Nothing, nothing happened last night," I said quickly, even though it had been obvious she had asked Derek the question. I just didn't trust Derek to answer, right now I didn't trust Derek to breathe.

"I broke the rules," Derek said. I shot him a dirty look, I had been doing that a lot today. "Fine, I broke the rules in front of Ryan."

"You two have rules?" Cristina asked, curiosity dripping from her voice.

I chose to ignore her. "You flirted with me Derek. You flirted with me in front of Ryan. Ryan. My boyfriend Derek," I said, trying to not smile at the way he was smiling at me.

"But it was fun," he said nodding. I could tell he expected me to agree with him. And I did, Derek flirting with me was fun. But I wasn't about to admit that allowed to him. Derek would never shut up if I gave him an iota of hope that I was actually enjoying this all.

"Derek, all I'm saying is that you can't flirt with me like that. If we're going to make this friendship work you can't flirt with me like that," I tried to reason with him. For some reason I had the feeling that reasoning with Derek Shepherd would be a waste of time. He was having too much fun with this.

"Come on, Meredith, friends can have some fun," Derek tried to argue with me.

"There's fun and then there's flirting in front of innappropriate people and innappropriate times," I said to him.

"Ryan didn't seem that upset by it," Derek said back.

"Of course Ryan would be upset by it. I'm sure Addison wouldn't appreciate it either." I knew brining up Addison was a low blow but well, he was asking for it.

"It was just some innocent flirting," Derek said, apparently taking the Addison bit in stride. And actually sounding convinced that any flirting between us could be innocent.

"There was nothing innocent about it," I argued back with him. One would think that one of the top brain surgeons in the world would be mature and logical and would listen to the calm voice of reason. However, apparently one would be wrong. Because arguing with Derek was like arguing like a 5 year old. A bossy demanding 5 year old. I expected a tantrum any minute.

"I just mentioned the near kiss, he already knew about it," Derek argued.

And of course he had to bring that up. "Near kiss?" Izzie said sounding interested.

"You didn't tell me about the near kiss. I thought the elevator was it," Cristina said sounding insulted at the omission.

"You told her about the elevator kiss?" Derek asked, reaching over and grabbing some of my french fries, as if he had a right to be touching my plate.

"She's my person," I said in matter of explanation, pouting at him.

"You're cute when you pout," Derek said laughing. Breaking the rules again.

"Oh, McAccountant has got to love this," Cristina said laughing.

"McAccountant?" Derek asked, passing me his drink as I took a gulp.

"Ryan. Really he should be McBoring, but I thought I'd be nicer to Meredith for a change," Cristina said with a shrug. I didn't like Cristina right now. From the look on her face I could tell she was enjoying this. Which was well, less than ideal. Because I was enjoying this. And if both me and my best friend were enjoying this, well it couldn't be a good thing.

"Ryan's boring?" Derek asked me.

"He's not boring...he's just...he's not like us," George answered for me, speaking up for the first time since he had sat down.

"I didn't take you for the type," Derek said, leaning back and reaching over to run a hand through my hair.

"What type?" I asked, smiling at him, against my better judgement.

"The type to settle for the boring safe guy," he said, wrapping some of my hair over his fingers, sending chills down my spine.

"I'm not settling. I'm not a type. I love him, I do," I said, my voice sounding suspiciously unsure of it at this time.

Before he had a chance to respond his pager interrupted any words that might have been about to come out of mouth. "I have to take this," he said, looking down at it as he got up from the table. He leaned over and grabbed the apple from my tray. "See you later," he whispered in my ear.

He all but skipped away. Stupid Derek.

"What was that?" Izzie said the second Derek was out of earshot.

"That was nothing," I answered immediately. "I mean that was Derek being stupid and well stupid. And thinking that he's all that because he's a neurosurgeon with great hair, and I may have once admitted to having problems keeping my hands off him. But that's all it was. Derek being stupid. Derek is married. Derek has a wife. And I have a boyfriend. That was nothing."

"You enjoyed it," Izzie said, a sly smile on her face.

I thought about denying it. I thought about lying. But I knew my friends, I knew it wasn't worth it. "I enjoyed it," I answered quietly.

"He's married," George squeaked out. I chose to ignore him, because not ignoring him meant facing that one tiny fact that made the flirting a little less than enjoyable.

"You are so screwed," Cristina said laughing.

I chose to ignore her too.

Because she was right.

_Want it or not, you just can't leave it._

**I'm in love with this chapter, lol. Derek is all flirty even though he knows he shouldn't be. And Meredith is enjoying it even though she knows she shouldn't be. So they are both doing things they shouldn't and right now, really don't care. Lol. And her friends...well minus George...find it all ever amusing. There's not much else I can say about it...but that Derek is convinced that innoncent flirting is fine. Which well it's not fine and it's not innocent.**

**Anyway, I should be able to update a lot tomorrow as I have nothing going on. Welcome to my life in a long distance relationship.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	16. 9 Crimes

**Disclaimer: If Grey's Anatomy was mine I would have a lot of money...and instead of spending my first Saturday night alone in like 4 years, I could fly to visit my boyfriend. Instead I'm talking to him on the phone later...which I guess is good enough.**

**So yeah...after that great Mer/Der cuteness, I need to bring this all crashing back down to earth. Because Derek was openly flirting with Meredith in his place of work, that happens to also be his wife's place of work. Of course, she's sleeping with a person who also calls SGH his place of work. Oh complications. So this is an Addie chapter. Because she needs a chapter. **

**Enjoy!**

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Derek and I were trying to make things work.

Or at least I had thought we were trying.

Now, after witnessing that scene in the cafeteria, I wasn't so sure. Because a man who is trying to solve his problems with his wife generally didn't sit in a public place flirting with his intern. And that's what everyone here called her, his intern. I had refused to believe the rumors, I had refused to think that my husband could be that man. But now it was staring in my face. He had shared her food. He had ran his fingers through her hair. He had whispered something in her ear. I couldn't remember the last time he had any of that with me.

Friends. They claimed to be friends.

Not watching where I was going I bumped into a man walking in front of me.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," the voice said grabbing my shoulder to steady me. I didn't have to look up to recognize the voice. "Addison, are you okay?" he asked, after probably feeling my shoulder's tremble below his hands.

"I'm fine Alex," I said quickly, trying to keep my voice steady. I was not going to cry. I was in my place of work, I was not going to cry. Just because my husband had decided to find someone else did not give me reason enough to cry.

Without saying another word Alex grabbed my arms firmly and dragged me into a nearby supply closet. "What's wrong?" he asked as soon as the door closed behind us.

"My slutty husband is having slutty sex with his slutty intern," I answered, feeling tears starting to rush down my cheeks.

A look of confusion crossed Alex's face. "Did you actually catch him in the act?"

"Well no," I said, fighting off the urge to sob, "But they were in there and he was playing her hair, Alex. Her hair. Her hair's not even that nice."

"Addison, I'm sure it was nothing," Alex said soothingly running a hand up and down my back.

"I know my husband, that wasn't nothing," and with that I let the sob out. My shoulders shook as tears ran down my cheeks too quickly for me to jam them all away with my fingers. I did not cry. I definitely didn't cry in front of interns I was the boss of. I did not cry. It was not fair that Derek brought me to this. This was not fair.

"Ummm...you do realize you had slutty sex first, right?" Alex said. I could hear a slight smile in his voice.

"That was not slutty sex, that was a drunken mistake. One that won't be happening again," I said, trying to sound stern, which is hard to do when trying to cut off tears.

"Oh really?" Alex said, as my eyes met his, his smug smirk.

I didn't even feel myself move but there I was up against him, my arms wrapped around his back, pulling his shirt over his head seconds before our lips smashed against eachother. There was no romance in the kiss, no real passion. Just anger. And comfort. Because it had been too long since Derek had kissed me at all.

I shouldn't be doing this. This was wrong and it was dirty and it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. Even if Derek was having sex with his slutty intern, I knew I shouldn't be doing this. Derek and I had our problems, but sleeping with other people wasn't about to solve that. And just because he couldn't keep his pants on gave me no excuse to do the same. This was a mistake that had to be stopped now. Or maybe I shouldn't. Because if Derek could be all slutty in public, why couldn't I in private.

It had been too long since I had gotten this.

And I had needs, I did.

_It's a small crime and I've got no excuse._

**Yeah, it's short.**

**Anyway, Addie saw what happened at lunch, the openly flirting wasn't missed by her. And even though she's made mistakes and isn't the perfect wife, it hurts. Because she doesn't know it's just flirting...but she does know her husband isn't around a lot. So her mind jumps places, bad places in which her husband is cheating on her. And that hurts. So she sleeps with Alex...because he's there and he's comforting and he's doing something Derek hasn't done in a really long time. So she sleeps with him. Even though she knows it's wrong...she can't help herself.**

**Next update will be up later tonight...and will be some amazing Mer/Derness...and should be lengthy. So yeah, later. Not sure what time.**

**Read. Love. Review. **


	17. My Confession

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I owned Grey's Anatomy...well that would rock. As simple as that. It would rock. I don't even think my brain can grasp how much that would rock. Yep, total rockage.**

**So this chapter is purely for Derek in my head. Because as wrong as he is..and pushy...and horny...he's in the mood for this chapter. And I've had Derek in my head long enough to understand that this is something I have to give him, not promise him but actually give him right now, because he needs this. So for once I'm letting him have it. And yes...I know I sound crazy talking about the Derek in my head but I swear to god he's there. I'm not insane.**

**Enjoy!**

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"I can't believe you ate that whole pizza," I joked to Meredith as we walked into her house a few days after we had shared lunch. For a really small person she could consume a really impressive amount of food. I still wondered where it all went.

"I was hungry, it's not my fault you eat like a woman," Meredith teased back, as I helped her out of her jacket.

"I was thinking tomorrow night we could try that new Italian place," I suggest, hanging up my own jacket beside hers. Our nights out had become a ritual. We were working our way through every restaurant in Seattle together. Every night it was the two of us and a new restaurant.

"Umm...I can't," Meredith says, I can hear the regret.

"Why not?" I asked her. I knew she was off at six tomorrow night.

"I have a date with Ryan," she said softly, as if that would lessen the blow. Not that it should have been a blow. Because I was married and Meredith had a boyfriend and I knew that. But the evening had become ours, they were our evenings. And I didn't appreciate Ryan stepping into that.

"How cute," I said bitterly, because I really couldn't help myself.

"Derek," she said calmy, "you and me, we're just friends."

And in that moment I was sick of it. Sick of being just friends with her when it meant sharing her with another man. When it meant going home to a wife who had stopped making me happy a long time ago. I was sick of pretending that Meredith was just a friend. Because she wasn't. She had never been a friend, she never could be a friend. I was sick of this.

"We're not just friends," I hissed, surprised at the venom in my own voice.

Meredith's eyes widened with shock and I immediatedly regretted my words. I was angry, I was annoyed, but not at Meredith. Never at Meredith. It was the situation. Not her. "Derek, you're married. And I have Ryan," she responded in a calm and somewhat shaky voice.

"Don't you think I know that?" I said.

"Derek, we can't do this. We can't do any of this," she said, panic filling her beautiful eyes.

"What, Meredith? What can't we do?" I demanded to know. I didn't want to do this, I didn't want to blow up at her, I didn't want to be the man that made tears gather in her eyes. But I also didn't want to be the man that she wrote off as being just a friend.

"Everything, Derek, just everything," she said, not meeting my eye. And then she did, and hers narrowed. "Most of all the flirting. You have to stop the flirting."

"I don't flirt with you," I denied even though I knew she was right. "I don't flirt with you," I repeated, louder this time, as if that would make this all seem more convincing.

"You flirt with me, and you can't," Meredith said, now yelling back at me. "I'm with Ryan and he's...he's safe and he loves me. And I'm really trying to be happy. But I can't Derek. Not when you're flirting with me, not when you're looking at me. I just can't."

"You think I want to be flirting with you?" I asked her, wanting to pace, wanting to move but not having enough space in her cramped foyer. "I have a wife. I'm married, Meredith. God, I don't want to flirt with you. But the second I'm with you...I forget all that. I forget everything. You make me forget. And I would give anything for it to not be like this, I'd give anything to be able to be your friend. I want to be your friend, nothing more, no baggage. But I can't," I said taking a breath. "Man, I would give anything not to be flirting with you."

"I'm glad to know you don't want to flirt with me, but that doesn't exactly make our lives simpler," Meredith said, tears all but running down her cheeks.

"Nothing could make this simpler," I yelled at her. "Nothing." I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to hold back anything else I could say before I did too much damage to whatever it was that Meredith and I were. "I wish I had never come to Seattle," I said without thinking.

It was the wrong thing to say, I knew it the second I heard Meredith's sharp intake of breath. I looked up to find tears streaming down her face now, her shoulders shaking with surpressed sobs. The sight of my Meredith broken, and even worse broken by me, is enough to drain any anger from my body. This wasn't Meredith's fault. And she was worth the mess we had started, I could never regret this mess. I slowly walked towards her, afraid that she will dart up the stairs, afraid of what she will do. But she just stands there watching me through her tears, still refusing to let any sound out. Just letting the tears escape. Hell, I felt like an ass.

Reaching her I pulled her gently into my arms, just as she let a sob escaped her mouth. Her tiny ineffectual fists pounded against my chest, but I ignored them, knowing she needed to be in my arms. Knowing that after all this I needed her in my arms. "Shhhh" I said soothingly, rubbing my hands across her back. "I didn't mean it, god I didn't mean it. I'd never regret you Meredith. I didn't mean it," I whispered into her hair, that smelled like that unnamed flower I loved so much.

"Derek," her voice softly mutters from under me, and I look down to find her looking up at me. Her tear filled eyes meet my own, and I'm shocked to fell wetness in my own. For a second we just stand and look at eachother.

"God, Meredith," I mummered.

Our lips meet, gently at first, softer than it had been on the elevator. We take our time learning the soft feel of eachothers mouths, our eyes wide open and gazing at eachother. I slowly open my mouth, pleased when she echoes the movement and I gently slip my tongue into her mouth. I take my time adjusting to the new taste and the new feel. I take my time exploring every bit of her as my hands find her lower back. I press her towards me as her hands discover my hair, her fingers gently tangling themselves in it. And then going slow doesn't seem to matter so much and I moved a little harder, pulling her a little closer, relishing in the little moan that escapes from her lower mouth.

Kissing Meredith.

I was kissing Meredith.

_And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place, I can't hide it, now hear my confession._

**So yes. Derek in my head was getting frustrated with this whole mess they are stuck in and wanted to scream at someone. Specifically he wanted to scream at Mer for no logical reason. So I let him. And honestly...I like that I did. I He yelled and the second he got it all out, all he wanted to do was hug and kiss her and make her stop crying. Because even though he's annoyed with their situation, he can never regret it. Because she's his Meredith. So he didn't mean to hurt her. And then they kiss...because that's all that was left to do. After that kind of fight, all that was left was for them to kiss. However this chapter...this fight...this kiss...it changes everything. Pure and simple. Everything.**

**More updates will be up tomorrow. I'll try to update a lot as it's my last day of winter vacation. Which sucks. But I will try to get lots of nice and fun updates in. I promise.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	18. Low

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy does not belong to me. My extent of creativity is playing with characters that people who are far smarter than me created. I don't think I could ever do what they did. I mean, I plan on trying, but no, don't think so.**

**So people liked the last chapter, I thought you might. I mean there was fighting and kissing and kissing...what was there not to like about that chapter? However this chapter...although it will hopefully be fantastic, isn't Meredith and Derek. And that's okay. Really it is. It's talking about Meredith and Derek. So well, at least it's not Addison having slutty adulterous sex. Hahaha. Be happy about that. This chapter is actually the fall out of that night. Because Meredith doesn't live alone.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Spill," Cristina said, walking up beside me the next morning.

"Spill what," I said, sipping my coffee and giving Cristina an odd look. "There's nothing to spill."

"Oh there's something to spill," Cristina said laughing at me. "You look all McGuilty. Besides Izzie and George said they heard you and Derek fighting last night."

"They were home?" I responded, panicked. They weren't supposed to be home, they weren't supposed to hear that. This was not good. I didn't need anyone to know about that fight, and even less to know about after the fight.

"So there was fighting last night?" Cristina said raising an eyebrow in my direction.

"I didn't say there was fighting," I rushed to say. "I was just saying, I didn't know they were home. That's all. And even if we did fight, well it's nothing. And it's no one business. Friends fight. Not that I'm saying we fought."

"You so fought. What happened to get McDreamy all McAngry?" Cristina asked me.

"Nothing happened. There was no fight. There was no kiss." There was the word vomit again, things just coming out of my mouth that I had never planned on saying, things I definitely shouldn't be saying. And yet there it was. I had blamed it on the tequila but I was starting to think it might have a lot more to do with Derek.

"A fight and a kiss," Cristina said sounding impressed. "Just when I think you're boring, you rise."

"Honestly, it was nothing, Cristina. We just fought and well that was it. That's all there is to know," I said, hoping she'd drop the subject but knowing that it wasn't going to happen. Cristina liked getting answers, she was a damn good surgeon because she wouldn't stop until she got an answer. It also made her a really annoying friend sometimes.

"Did you do the nasty nasty Mer? Because, well you might as well fess up to it," Cristina taunted me.

I stopped in my tracks, coffee splashing over the side of my cup. "There was no nasty nasty."

"Well unless you prove other wise I'm going with nasty nasty," Cristina said, shrugging with a evil smirk on her face. I hated her, right now I hated her. "Come on, share."

"Fine, we fought. And then we might have kissed. It wasn't that big of deal," I said, knowing I was lying. Last night had been quite the big deal. The biggest deal. Last night had changed everything but I wasn't about to say anything like that.

"Oh I think it was," Cristina said. "So details. What did you fight about? McBoring? McWife?"

"Is that really important?" I asked her, sighing in frustration at the entire situation. I hadn't wanted the fight last night. I didn't want this conversation with Cristina. And I didn't want the mess that Derek and I had accidentally created. I was a surgical intern, I did not need these extra headaches.

"Ummm...yeah. God, Meredith, sometimes I don't know why we're friends," Cristina replied.

"Fine, he's...frustrated or something. He's not so good with just our friend title. So he's frustrated. He yelled, I yelled. And then we kissed. It was nothing. He stopped and said he had to go. I mean, it was less than nothing. We're two friends of the opposite sex and he's attractive. And I'm not without my charms. Things happen. Fights happen. But it was nothing. Okay, maybe it was something but it wasn't the nasty nasty," I said rushed.

"Oh boy, that means it was definitely something," Cristina said laughing out loud.

"Nothing," I argued back. "It's just...he just...he feels it too. Whatever this is. He feels it too. And well, I don't know if we can just be friends. He doesn't know if we can just be friends."

"But he has a wife. And you have a boyfriend," Cristina pointed out.

"Thanks for the update," I said bitterly.

"What does this mean? What are you going to do? Is he leaving McWife? Are you leaving McAccountant?" Cristina annoyingly asked.

"I don't know, I don't know," I muttered.

And I didn't know.

_But why'd you have to go and make a mess like that._

**Sorry for the lack of sex...but in short they can't have sex yet. I have plans (cool plans, not Finn plans) and if they sleep together now, well there goes all my plans. So sorry but no sex. However, I do like this chapter. Meredith is flipping out, because she knows that last night meant something but she has no idea what it meant. So she's confused and scared and not sure. And Cristina is trying to be there, but overall she's just amused by this all. Because Meredith is being flippy.**

**Another update will come later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	19. My Guardian Angel

**Disclaimer: Playing with Derek and Meredith and the rest of the gang is merely a hobby of mine. Sadly it's not my job. Nope, I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

**So this chapter is going to be good. It's Derek being all McDreamy and Meredith being all Meredith like. Lol. It's their first time together since the fight/kiss. Which should be awkward but well it's not, but you'll see why. Umm I think that's all I have to say...my ANs are pathetically short for this fanfic.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Did you hear who was brought in just now?" a gossiping nurse muttered as she walked by me as I filled out a chart.

"Ellis Grey?" another nurse asked her.

Grey. The name had been running through my head since I had walked away the night before. Damn, I hadn't wanted to walk away. But I was married, and married men didn't do what I wanted to do. If I had spent a second longer kissing her I would have done more. And although I knew I was toeing the line, I wasn't about to cross over it. No matter how much I wanted to.

"She has Alzheimer's," the one said."I don't know what she's in for."

"I'm on the case," the other said. "We think it's cancer."

Meredith's mom has Alzheimer's? Meredith was my best friend, even if it was a bit of a mess, she was my best friend. How could I have not known her mother had Alzheimer's. And now her mother was in the hospital. Something was wrong with Mer's mom. My Meredith's mom might have cancer. Without a second thought my hands were on my phone, paging Meredith to meet me in the closest oncalll room as I headed towards it. I had no idea if she even knew about her mom, no idea if she'd even want to see me.

But I knew once she knew she'd need me. And that was enough.

I sat on the bed for a few minutes, it didn't take her long to reach me.

"Derek, what is it?" she asked, closing the door gently behind her.

I looked up and met her eyes. She didn't look angry at me, and I felt relief ease my body. Last night had been wrong, I shouldn't have yelled at her, I shouldn't have kissed her. It had been wrong. But at least she wasn't angry with me, I couldn't live with her angry at me. From the look in her eyes I also knew she didn't know about her mother. Something inside me was happy about that, happy that I was the one who'd tell her.

"Meredith," I said gently.

Her eyes narrowed immediately. "Derek, what's wrong?"

"It's your mom," I said quietly, holding her gaze, noticing the confussion that crossed her face. "They just brought her in," I finished.

"My mom..." she said her trembling voice trailing off. The look in her eyes frightened me, the look was of a girl who's world was falling apart around her and I didn't want that for her. God, I didn't want that for her. I gestured toward the spot beside me on the bed and she sat down, heavily as if she didn't have the strength to stand up anymore. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to say, which was new for me but still, I didn't know what to say. Not to her, not after the mess we had created, not after the mess her life was. I wanted to pull her into my arms but wasn't sure she wanted to be there.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I finally asked, surprised at the way my voice sounded.

"She...she made me promise not to tell anyone," Meredith said, her voice starting to sound more unsteady. "I couldn't...I couldn't say anything."

"You could have told me," I said, letting a half smile lift one corner of my mouth.

"I...I.." she mumbled a bit, looking at me. Suddently I watched realization light up her eyes. "What is she here for, Der?"

"I don't know the details," I say quietly. "The nurse on the case said they think it's cancer."

"C-c-cancer?" she said, her voice trembling completely at this point.

"I am so sorry, Meredith," I soothed, slowly reacing my arm out to rest on her back, rubbing small circles along her back. I wanted to pull her into my arms but after last night I wasn't quite sure I had the right.

'She's all I have, Derek," Meredith said. She wasn't looking at me anymore, but I didn't have to see her face to know tears were streaming down her cheeks. My chest tightened and I wish I could cure cancer. I wish I could make her feel better, I wish I could do something. Anything. I wasn't used to feeling useless. "She's my family. She's all I have."

I reached over and pushed a strand of hair out of her face, gently tucking it behind her ear. "She's not all you have."

Apparently that was the right thing to say as Meredith took the decision to hold her or not out of my hands. Sniffling back tears she shifted towards me, her tiny body leaning against mine, letting me wrap my arms around her as her fist curled around my scrub shirt. Without saying a word, I pulled her closer, onto my lap, letting her head find my chest. I didn't care that her tears were leaving wet spot on my shirt, I didn't care that people might be able to hear us outside. My Meredith was broken. My Meredith needed me.

I briefly wondered when she had become mine but now wasn't the time to question that.

"It's okay Mer," I muttered against her head, pressing my lips gently against her hair. "I'm here, it's okay. Shhhh. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Meredith's sobs intensified and I pulled her closer to me. Listening to her anguished cries I knew I was going to be there forever. Friends or whatever it was that we were going to become. I was going to be there. Never again would she feel like her mother was all she had. She had me. It might be complicated, it might be a mess but she had me. I wasn't going anywhere, no matter how messy this became, I wasn't go anywhere. I needed the tiny fragile girl in my arms, just like she needed me.

Sometime later her sobs turned into little hiccups that made me smile even though it was completely innappropriate. My shirt was soaked, but I didn't really care.

"I'm fine," she said, looking up at me with eyes still soaked in tears.

"You're fine," I agreed, running my fingers through her hair.

Our eyes met and I couldn't tear mine away. Her eyes were beautiful, even after all the tears, even though they were rimmed with red, her eyes were beautiful. I wanted to fall into her eyes. I wanted to sit here and look at her eyes all day.

She finally looked away. "Last night..." she started her voice raspy from the tears.

I cut her off, placing a finger gently on her mouth to silence her. "Not now," I said, smiling sadly at her. "We're going to take the rest of the day off and I'm taking you home."

"Derek," she started to protest.

"No, Meredith. Screw the complications, right now you need me, you need this," I said.

She just smiled sadly at me but followed me out of the room without any other complaints.

_I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever, I'll be there for you through it all. _

**I love this update. Because it reminds me of when Mer's mom actually got brought in but this time Derek could be there for her. When she needed him most. So instead of pretending to be fine she could cry and crawl onto his lap and find comfort there. Because even though life is getting messy for them they are best friends. And when you're mom is sick...well that's what you need. And Derek was there...and McDreamy. And just...sigh. Right at the end Meredith realized how complicated life is for them right now, but Der just wants to take care of her. It's all sad. And perfect.**

**As for updates tomorrow...I go back to school. However I have a 2 hour break at lunch in which I might be able to update during. Depends on if any of my friends have the same break really. But don't hold your breath. However I will definitely update in the evening and late at night. Don't worry. You will hear from me.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	20. She Will be Loved

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. But thanks to my wonderful person I now own all this really cool GA stuff. Well mainly posters. Big posters. That will be put up in my room, so I will have the coolest room. And she framed a picture of Patrcik's ass for me...so I guess I own his ass now. Nice.**

**Apparently everytime I write a really great Meredith and Derek scene I feel the need to bring us all back down to earth. Hahaha. Because Derek is being all great and there for Meredith when she needs him the most. But really...there's someone else who "should" be there for her. And well...he's going to show up. Because well he would...wouldn't he?? So yeah...they come crashing back down to earth. But don't worry...you get some fluff too.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Are you sure you know how to cook?" I asked him, surprised that I was smiling again. And feeling guilty. Because my mom was in the hospital and I was smiling.

"No idea, I'm kind of just winging it," Derek answered laughing gently.

He was kidding. He had to be kidding. He wouldn't come into my kitchen and offer to make me a fabulous dinner if he had no idea how to cook. Of course he was Derek and would probably lie about anything to get to spend time with me. "Derek," I startedd.

"I'm kidding Meredith," Derek said, shooting me a brilliant smile.

"I hope so," I said smiling back.

"How about you toss the salad?" Derek said, gesturing to a pile of vegetables he had thrown in a bowl. "You can do that right?"

I stuck out my tongue at him. "I'm not that bad of cook, I'm just out of practice. That's all. Okay, well I never got practice but I'm not a bad cook."

"So you're a naturally born cook?" Derek said, a teasing grin lighting up his face.

"Yep," I said, smiling slyly at him. And well, I could be. I had never really tried to cook anything before so it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. For all Derek and I knew I could be a brilliant cook. This man was supposed to be my best friend, in a messed up and complicated way, but he was my best friend. Best friends should support you in your delusion of being a good cook.

"Are you okay?" Derek said, a few minutes after, breaking the compatible silence we had lapsed into.

I thought for a second and figured out I was. Because for once when everything in my life had gone wrong I hadn't had no one to fall back on. I didn't have to smile and repeat the word fine so many times it stopped sounding like a word. I hadn't be alone. I had arms to crawl into and find comfort in. I wasn't used to that but I think I could get used to it. I had believed Derek when he said I didn't just have my mom. I believed him. I had him. And that felt good.

"Yeah, actually I am," I answered finally.

"Good," Derek said simply as he started mashing the garlic potatoes he had made to go with the steak that was broiling. At least I think that's what it was doing. "I was thinking of getting a dog."

There was that 5 year old Derek again, saying whatever though randomly popped into head. Sometimes I swear it was impossible to actually hold a conversation with this man. "A dog?"

"I like dogs," he said as if this conversation hadn't been the most random one ever.

"Why do you want a dog?" I asked him.

"I like dogs. And all that land is asking for a dog. A nice big dog. Maybe a mutt. That can run around. We can take him for walks and the such. Yeah, I want a dog," Derek said nodding. I wasn't sure if he was even talking to my anymore or just thinking out loud.

"But Derek, the trailer is well...smallish," I said tentivally, not wanting to wipe that hopeful smile off his face, but well there were facts.

"It's not that small," Derek said frowning now.

"What about Addison?" I asked, despite the fact I didn't want to bring her into this.

"Addison will have to accept my dog," he said simply, walking towards me to check on the salad. He quickly kissed my cheek, as if it was a habbit. "Come dog shopping with me?" he said, tilting his head. Damn, he looked even better hen he tilted his head like that. How was I suppose to even think about saying no to him when he was doing that? I started to nod my head when the door crashed open.

"Meredith, honey, I heard about your mom," I heard Ryan's voice behind me, sounding worried, sounding sympathetic. "What's he doing here?" Not so sympathetic anymore.

"Umm...well...ummm..." I said. Apparently words refused to come to my mouth. Because I had lots of different explanations in my head, good explanations, things about him randomly stopping by, things about him being a friend, things. Lots of things. And no words wanted to come out.

"I was the one that told her, Ryan. I just brought her home to make sure she was okay," Derek said, sounding a lot calmer than Ryan. Yeah, those were the things I was thinking of saying. Those things.

"She's okay, you can leave now," Ryan said angrily.

"No, he doesn't have to leave," I heard myself saying. Okay, didn't regret that one. Because Derek was my best friend and he didn't have to leave. He was making me supper, he didn't have to leave.

"Meredith!" Ryan screamed at me. It briefly crossed my mind that before Derek entered our lives Ryan had never yelled. "I'm your boyfriend. I have a right to be here. You didn't even call me. Me. I'mm your boyfriend. Not this idiot. I found out from George. Because you weren't picking up your cell phone!"

"Ryan..." Derek said from behind me, obviously trying to calm him down.

"No! What the hell is he doing here Meredith! He has no right to be here!" Ryan said, throwing his hands around him. I had never seen him this angry before.

I felt tears well in my eyes and silently cursed my boyfriend. I had cried already today, and I didn't like crying. I didn't want to cry again. "He's my best friend," I said in a quiet voice. I didn't care that it was the wrong thing to say. Derek wasn't going anywhere.

"He's not your best friend, he wants in your pants. I'm your boyfriend. He shouldn't be the one comforting you, that's my job, Meredith! Mine! You're mine. What part of that don't you understand. I heard about your mom and I immediately came here, I left my job to come here to be here for you. And I find him making you supper Meredith. That's my job! I'm supposed to comfort you!" he yelled, his face an unattractive red.

It was his job. And that was the problem. For the past two years he had been there everytime I needed him, because it was his job to be there. In the past two years everytime my world had fallen apart, he had held me, he had comforted me. Because it was his job, because he was my boyfriend. Derek had just been there. No questions asked, no thinking it was his job. He had just been there. Like he was right now. Derek was what I needed right now, I thought as I backed up towards him more.

"Ryan.." I started unsure of what to say. "He was...he was there and just..."

"Meredith, two years! Two years and you turn to him after what, one month. How could you do this to me? He's married Meredith, do you want to be his slut?" Ryan said.

Before I had a chance to respond I felt Derek ease toward me, resting a comfort hand on my lower back. "Ryan..."he said calmly, but with anger tinging his voice.

Ryan's eyes turned towards Derek now. "You have no..."

He didn't get to finish his sentence before Derek stepped in front of me, blocking me from Ryan. "Oh, I have a right. Meredith's mom is sick. She doesn't need this right now. she doesn't need you yelling at her, accusing her of things that would never be true." Derek was yelling now, really yelling. I had never heard him yell before. It was sexy. Okay, Meredith, so not the time to be thinking that. "Now I suggest you leave and come back when you have your head screwed on right." Ryan made a move to protest but Derek cut him off. "Get out before I do something you and I will both regret."

Ryan shot us both a dirty look and headed out the door, looking disgusted with me. But I didn't care. Right now I just didn't care.

As Derek swung the door shut he turned around to look at me. All the anger drained from his eyes, replaced with concern and something I definitely wasn't going to think about right now.

Before the first sob even escaped my mouth Derek's arms were around me, holding me close and letting me cry yet again onto his shoulder, as he whispered sweet nothings into my ear, trying to comfort me. And being there for me. No one had ever been there for me before.

Derek was right.

I needed him.

_He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else._

**Yes, I know you all hate Ryan now, I know. But really, if you went to check on your boyfriend and found him with a really hot girl wouldn't you flip out a bit?? So he had his reasons. But well...he is an ass. And wasn't there for her, was too busy being jealous to actually think about what she really needed. Which was fine because all she really needed was Derek. And he was there. He was there when she needed him. When she actually figured out she needed him. He was there...protecting her and just being there. So yes you may hate Ryan but isn't Derek just great? And as this is a Mer/Der fic, that's all that matters.**

**I might update tomorrow afternoon but am going out with a friend, so more likely not till tomorrow night again. But there will be something. Don't worry.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	21. Tears and Rain

**Disclaimer: Unlike Grey's Anatomy I've never really won anything. And well Grey's won last night. So yeah...I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

**So this update is immediately following the last one. The last one ended with Derek holding Meredith as she cried. So this one picks up with that. The only switch is that it's Derek's perspective instead of Meredith's. Yeah...it's just picking things up where they left off.**

**Enjoy!**

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Her tiny form shaked in my arms and her tears started soaking my shirt. I never liked Ryan. But after that, I hated him. I didn't hate people, I never hated people. But Ryan had hurt Meredith. I didn't like the idea of Meredith hurting, even if it meant turning to me. I could kill him, I could really kill him. Her hands clung to my shirt as tiny sobs escaped her mouth and I stopped thinking about hating Ryan.

"Meredith..." I started to say soothingly, rubbing my hands along her back. "It's okay, I'm here."

The words had been meant to calm Meredith but instead she started crying harder. "No...no...you can't be here," she choked out.

"Mer, what are you talking about?" I said gently, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. What did she mean I couldn't be here? Where else would I be?

"You...just...you should go," Meredith said quietly, squirming her way out of my arms.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, upset that she wasn't in my arms anymore. And even more upset that she was pushing me away when she obviously needed me the most.

"Derek, yesterday..." she started, slightly gesturing towards the foyer.

"Yesterday will be dealt with later, Mer," I cut her off. "Right now you need..."

"That's the problem," she said cutting me off, sounding strained. "We said things yesterday. Both of us said things yesterday. After...after that I can't need you. I...it's getting too complicated. We both know that we're not friends, at least not in a real friend way. I...and you...it's just complicated. I can't need you."

"Meredith, we can figure this out," I answered, hoping that I sounded at least a bit convinced.

"How Derek, how are we going to figure this out?" Meredith demanded.

I wanted to pull her into my arms again, remind her who I was, that no matter what I was always here for her, even if it was complicated. I wanted to tell her the one constant in my life had become her. God,I wanted to hold her. But I couldn't, not now. None of that would help us right now. "I don't know," I whispered knowing it offered her no help. But knowing that nothing else could be said.

"My life was so much easier before I knew you," Meredith said with a small laugh. "I had a demanding job, a loving boyfriend, dysfunctional friends. No one knew my secrets, no one knew me. But I was happy because life was simple. And now...now it's a mess. Derek, you smiled at me in a bar and made my life a mess."

"I know I did, Mer," I said sighing. "You're not alone in this."

"What are we going to do?" Meredith said, leaning beside me against the counter.

"I don't know," I said again.

"I'm with Ryan, at least I think I'm still with Ryan. And more importantly, you're with Addison. You're married to Addison. I shouldn't even be having this conversation with a married man. I shouldn't be having this conversation with you. Derek, this is bad. Bad in ways I can't comprehend," Meredith said.

I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing at her rambling. "I know. I know. But Addison...she's just, we're not what we once were. We never will be that again, we just...we can't. And with you. With you it feels different, everything feels different," I said.

"It shouldn't, I'm just me. I'm nothing special," Meredith said quietly.

God, she's wrong. But I know her well enough to know that now isn't the time to say that, she'll just argue and I'll argue back and nothing important would be solved. I'd say something and she'd laugh and I'd laugh back and we'd go back to pretending, pretending that whatever this was wasn't as important as it actually was. And we couldn't do that, not again.

"Der, what do you want?" she suddenly asked, breaking the silence that had fallen between us.

I pause and think about her question. I want to make my marriage work, at least I think I want to make it work. I'm not sure if I can, but those vows, they meant something. But Meredith meant something, she meant something pretty big. "I don't know what I want," I answer her honestly.

"I know you don't," Meredith answers. "I don't know either. I don't know what I want."

"Maybe we should take some time..." I said, trailing off, hoping she'd agree. Hoping she wouldn't slap me and kick me out of the kitchen.

"To figure out what we want," she said, nodding.

"Yeah," I nod, happy that she seemed to understand, happy that she seemed to agree. "Time to figure things out."

"I think we need time, lots and lots of time," Meredith said, looking a tad happier than she had since Ryan walked in, looking more relaxed.

"Time," I said nodding.

"I never meant to end up this dark and twisty, you know," Meredith told me, smirking my way as she wiped residual tears from her eyes.

"I know, neither did I," I said smiling back and heading towards the oven, "Now I believe there's a steak with your name on it."

"Hmm...that sounds good," Meredith said smiling.

Time. We could take time, time to figure out what is that I wanted. And why not pretend to be friends while we're taking time.

_How I wish I would save my soul, I'm so cold from fear._

**I like this update. Heavy things happened the night before but in face of everything that was happening with Ellis they had the time to pretend it didn't happen, to just live in the moment that Meredith really needed Derek. But now Ryan yelled at her and it really made her remember everything that happened so she tried to kick Derek out. But well, that's not going to happen. Instead they agreed that neither knows what they really want but they're going to take time to figure it out. But are still eating the steak, lol.**

**Another update will be up later tonight...maybe before Grey's but definitely after Grey's.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	22. Back to You

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, I wouldn't be wondering exactly why this week was significant for Mark and Addie (okay well I have an idea but still). I wouldn't be wondering if Papa O'Malley is going to make it. I wouldn't be wanting to know how Derek is going to handle Meredith snoring but not leaving her in bed. Yeah, definitely don't own it.**

**First, how great was tonight's episode? I want to watch it again. Which rationally I know I can do tomorrow night, but well I want to watch it again now. Tomorrow is not now. It's well tomorrow.**

**So this update will probably be shortish. And well familiar but I think it fits. At least I hope it fits. Because I got this idea after watching the episode and couldn't get the idea out of my head. So well now it's an update. So I hope it works out. It's not Meredith and Derek eating steak sadly. It's actually Meredith and Izzie. From Mer's perspective...because I tried it in Izzie's and it sucked. So yeah.**

**Enjoy!**

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"What was that about?" Izzie asked, walking into the kitchen the second I had closed the door as Derek left.

"What? What was what about?" I asked.

"Dr. Shepherd bringing you home, making you supper and then the two of you sharing a bottle of wine. What was that about?" Izzie demanded to know as she started to gather ingredients to bake something or other.

"Derek and I are friends," I answered rather lamely, "you know that."

"Meredith, you flirt with him. You flirt with him all the time. Tonight your boyfriend came over, the guy that up to a couple of weeks ago you were head over heals in love with, and you kicked him out and then spent your evening with Derek," Izzie said, branding a spoon at me.

"Ryan was being an ass," I answered, yet again rather lamely. After the day I have I assumed I had a right to be a little on the lame side.

"He had every right to be an ass, Meredith. He came here to take care of you only to find out that someone had beat him to it. Meredith, Ryan is your boyfriend, not Derek. I'm glad Derek was there to tell you about your mom, I am. But you should have called Ryan, he should have been the one to bring you home and make you supper. Ryan loves you Meredith, he puts up with your crazy schedules, your friends. He loves you. You have this perect relationship, and you're throwing it away for what? A few good surgeries?" Izzie demanded.

"No, it's not about the surgeries, it's not about getting a head," I told her. And it wasn't. Derek and I were about a lot of things, but nothing had to do with work.

"A little hot flirting? You're willing to ruin your relationship over that?" Izzie asked.

No. I wasn't willing to ruin my relationship over that. If all this was was a little hot flirting we would not be having this problem, we would not be having this discussion. If this was a little hot flirting I would have told Derek to keep it in his pants and we really could be friends. We wouldn't need time, whatever that was supposed to mean.

After a few second of my silence, Izzie spoke again. "I mean, Meredith, what the hell are you doing?"

I rolled my eyes. In retrospect, rolling my eyes probably wasn't the smartest decision. I should have probably answered, said something intelligent about how Derek and I were just friends and that had I been thinking rationally I would have called Ryan but I had been upset and Ryan had been there. Or maybe I could have even told the truth, that I had no idea what I was doing but that we were taking time to figure it out. Both answes probably would have been better than rolling my eyes. Rolling my eyes was stupid.

A look of realization crosses Izzie's face. "Oh my god," she said, sounding breathless, "You're falling for him."

Falling for Derek? That was ridiculous. That wasn't what was happening. That was absurd.

"I am not," I argued.

"Oh you so are," Izzie said, shaking her head at me.

"I am not."

"You so are," Izzie argued back. "Damn it, you poor girl."

"You know it's just that he's just so...and I'm just...I'm having a hard time..." Great Grey, stumble over your words and mumble. That makes you sounds so very convincing.

"You're all mushy, and warm...and full of secret feelings," Izzie teased me. This was not the time for teasing. One does not accuse another of falling for their best friend and then tease the person. Not that I was falling for my best friend.

"I hate you," I honestly tell her. "And your cookies," I add gesturing to the bowl in front of her.

"My cookies are good," Izzie answered, smiling at me.

I was not falling for Derek. Derek was my best friend and yes there was something there. But it wasn't me falling for him. Falling for him would be stupid. I was not falling for him. Nope, I was sane and rational. And sane and rational women did not fall for married man. There was no falling here.

Besides, I was not the kind of girl who fell.

I wasn't.

_I try to stay away but baby it's too late._

**I'm not in love with this chapter but I think it's because I didn't write most of it. Whoever wrote 107 did and I just borrowed it as it fit this fanfic, at least this part. Basically Izzie is the first person to call Meredith on what's she's doing. Not that Meredith quite knows that that it. But she doesn't think she's falling...she knows there's something going on between her and Derek but thinks the idea that she's falling in love with him is absurd. And before questions are asked...Meredith thinks she's not the kind of girl who falls, which might seem odd since she's in love with Ryan (or at least thinks she is) but to me there's a really big difference between being "in love" with the safe guy and falling in love with someone you can't be with.**

**Anyway update again sometime today, not sure what time.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	23. Hanging by a Moment

**Disclaimer: Does everyone read the writer's blog? Did everyone see Krista answer the question about writing? Yeah that was my question. So although I won't own Grey's Anatomy...I am starting to work on an evil plan to one day at least write for it.**

**Sorry for the lack of an update last night. My friend Katie (the writer of A Heart Want What it Wants) and I are starting a fic together so last night we spent a lot of time working on that. But I am updating now. And this chapter is going to be short. And has no dialogue. Because right now I feel like being in Derek's head. Because he is married and spending all his time with another woman. And life is confusing. So yeah. Derek's thoughts. Short. I swear.**

**Enjoy!**

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I slammed the door shut behind me and kicked off my shoes as I entered my trailer. Empty again. I hadn't expected anyone to be home. Addison was never around anymore. And I didn't care.

Time. It had been my suggestion and I didn't even know what I meant by it. Meredith and I taking time. I wasn't sure why we needed time or why time would even help. I knew what I wanted. I wanted Meredith. Since the first day in the bar I had wanted Meredith. For no rational reason I wanted her. And not sexually, well yes sexually, but definitely more than that. The gold of my ring caught my eye. Of course there was that little detail. I had a wife. A damn wife. And I had long stopped wanting her, I don't think I had ever wanted her the way I wanted Meredith.

I found the scotch I kept stored in the cupboard and grabbed a glass. God I needed a drink.

Ryan was an ass. Regardless of how I felt or didn't feel about Meredith Ryan was an ass. Her mom was sick, god her mom could have cancer and Ryan had yelled at her. It wasn't Meredith's fault I had brought her home, it wasn't Meredith's fault I had been there for her. It wasn't even Meredith's fault that I wanted her. But damn it, Meredith had needed someone there for her, and Ryan had been too caught up in his own stuff to even think about what she might need. Even if he was mad, he should have been angry with me, I was the one peeing on his territory. Meredith had needed him. Ryan was an ass.

What if I hadn't been there?

Meredith would have found the tequilla and taken care of herself. In a way that wasn't taking care of herself at all.

Meredith was amazing and she needed someone better than Ryan. She needed someone who could be there for her. Meredith was my best friend, no matter what else was happening with us, she was my best friend. I knew her, god I knew Meredith. She had a tough childhood, she had a tough life. As beautiful as she was, Meredith was a ball full of issues. Even when she said she was fine, she never really was. And she needed someone, someone who wouldn't put themselves first, someone who could really be there for her. Ryan wasn't that someone.

Not that I was.

Or maybe I was, but god, it was complicated. Far too complicated. I was married, married to the woman I had once believed to be the love of my life. I knew she wasn't anymore but the fact remained, I was married. And she had Ryan, who didn't deserve her, and who she had no reason to be with him, but she was with him. I had wondered many times since I had met her what would have happened had he not been with her. If I had met Meredith before I had married Addison. If we had lived in different worlds, what could have happened?

Meredith and I could be good together.

But I was married, and she was taken. And we had decided to take time, time to figure out what this meant, and what we wanted. Because we couldn't keep going the way we were, calling each other friends in one breath and kissing in the next. We needed time to figure out we wanted.

I slammed my now empty glass down onto the table.

Damn it.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be with Meredith. I also didn't want to hurt Addison. I also didn't want my marriage to fail.

Okay, maybe I didn't know what I wanted.

_Desperate for changing, starving for truth._

**So yeah it was short, but I felt the need to really examine what Derek's been thinking. Because he really doesn't know what he wants. Except for he does, he wants to be with Meredith. He obviously cares about Meredith. A lot. And he wants her. But he's married. And he doesn't want to be the guy that has a failed marriage, and he doesn't want to be the guy that leaves his wife for another woman. So he has no idea what he wants. But Meredith is a huge part of it. **

**I will update tomorrow night sometime after 11.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	24. The Heart Wants what it Wants

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. I own a lot of cool things...like my really big stuffed dog the boyfriend gave me for Valentine's Day last year. And my school ring. And my McDreamy shirt. But I don't own anything quite as cool as Grey's Anatomy.**

**And I have some bad news...this is a Meredith/Ryan chapter. I know...I know...it's painful. It really is. But well, I just can't kill him. Well I guess I could but that doesn't actually solve very many problems, so he is sticking his head back in. Because he is her boyfriend. But don't worry...this chapter is from Meredith's perspective and I think ultimately it's going to lead to something good. Because well...she's thinking.**

**Enjoy!**

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I looked at the bubbles in the sink in front of me. Derek had offered to stay and help with dishes but I had sent him home. I needed to think, and dishes were good for thinking. Stupid small things were good to do when trying to think of stupid big things. And Derek was a stupid big thing. A door opened off to the side suddenly, causing me to jump, the glass that had been in my hands slipping back into the water.

"Meredith," a male voice whispered softly. A pang of guilt shot through my stomach as I realized it wasn't the male voice I had been happy to hear. Of course that was silly, because he had gone home, back to his wife, to take time to figure out something. So he wouldn't be here, he left, he had no reason to be here. And I didn't want him here, him here was complicated. Good but complicated.

"Ryan," I said, turning around to greet my boyfriend, but not bothering with the fake smile. After the day I had had, the past 24 hours I had I think just maybe I was allowed not to force the fake smile.

"Is he gone?" Ryan asked, looking around the room as if he was terrified Derek was about to attack him with a frying pan.

I bit back a laugh at the visual running through my head and just rolled my eyes. "Derek went home," I answered him.

"Good," he said, walking into the kitchen looking more confident with himself now. "Meredith, what was that about?"

"What was what about?" I questioned him meekly. Of course I knew what he was asking about, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe somehow in the last few hours he had driven around and had completely forgotten about what happened earlier and we could go on living like we had. Not that I knew if that's what I wanted.

This is why I needed to take time.

"Meredith, you know what I'm talking about. I was worried about you, and here you were busy fooling around with the doctor," Ryan said, anger creeping into his voice.

I felt my eyes widen, shocked that my boyfriend could even suggest that of me. I was not that girl. I had been that girl and then I had met Ryan and I wasn't that girl. God I wasn't that girl, even though Derek tempted me, I wasn't that girl. "There was no fooling around. Derek and I...we're friends. He's like my brother," I said, not actually bothering to look him in the eye.

"I see the way you look at each other," Ryan said, taking a seat behind me.

"Well...ummmm...that's just...we have...it's just..." I said trying to find the right word to describe whatever it was between Derek and I. Okay, not that word, I knew that word. I was looking for the word that would describe Derek and I without actually angering my boyfriend.

"Meredith, what's going on?" he asked, gently grabbing my hand and turning me around to look at him.

I contemplated saying nothing, everything in my system wanted to yell nothing was going on. I didn't do confrontation. But I owed him something. "I don't know," I finally said, contemplating the whole that had appeared on the toe of my sock. "I don't know. Derek and I...it's complicated."

"Complicated...do you...do you want to end this?" Ryan asked nervously.

"No!" I answered quickly, more out of pure instinct than anything else. "It's just...I don't want to end this. I don't know what I want."

Ryan rolled his eyes at me and turned around, walking away in annoyance. "Meredith, I've been with you for two years. I deserve something more than you telling me you don't know what you want!"

I blinked back tears. I had cried enough today. I wasn't even someone who cried. Today my eyes seemed to be a never ending well. Thank god I had barely seen Cristina, she would never let me live today down. "I need time," I said, trying to keep my voice strong.

"Time, what is that supposed to mean?" Ryan demanded to know.

"I don't know what it means. If I knew what needing time meant I wouldn't be having this problem. Because I'd know. But I don't know. I don't know what I want, I don't know how much time I need, I don't even know why I need time. Ryan I just...I...I don't know," I yelled at him, letting tears pour down my cheeks, wanting him to pull me into his arms, needing him to pull me into his arms.

But he didn't. Instead he just sighed. "And what do I do while you figure it out? Just wait?"

"That would be nice," I said quietly, wiping a tear away. I knew it was unfair, I knew I should let him go. But I just didn't know how.

"That's asking for a lot, Meredith," Ryan said quietly.

"I know," I responded, not even wanting to look at him right now.

He pulled my face towards him, to meet his eyes for the first time since he had came in. "I'll give you time. But I'm not waiting forever Meredith. You have time, but not forever."

I just nodded my head, part of me wishing this wasn't happening, that it had never gotten to the point where I needed time. Because before Derek had appeared, my life had been simple. Maybe it hadn't been as perfect as I thought but it had been simple. And part of me craved that simplicity again. Part of me chimed in that has just wished Ryan would walk away. But that part was being ignored.

He kissed me quickly. "I know you work in the morning, I should head home."

And then he was thankfully gone.

Time with Ryan. Time with Derek. I had far too much to figure out.

Or maybe I didn't.

I just needed Derek to figure it out. Because with every passing second what I wanted was becoming more and more clear.

Derek,

_I know I should run but my heart wants what it wants._

**So in short...Meredith knows exactly what she wants. She's just not 100 sure about how to get it. Because Derek is married so wanting him isn't really an option. And she's been with Ryan for a long time and just doesn't know what to do now. So right now she's taking time with Ryan, because Derek time with her. And she doesn't want to move until Derek moves. So it's getting to be a mess, but never fear, things are turning around soon.**

**Read. Love. Review. **


	25. I Can't Help Falling in Love with You

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy won a Golden Globe tonight. Grey's Anatomy is the Golden Globe winner for best television series drama. No, I don't own it. That was Shonda talking, not me.**

**This update is not supposed to be this update. Lol. Really, it was supposed to be another chapter. But after the win tonight I just need to write some fluff. So I'm just kind of adding this chapter in out of no where, lol. It was supposed to be referenced but not actually happen, but I'm adding it in. Because there are just certain times that call for complet fluff and after that win, well that definitely makes this one of those times. Hahaha. Sorry I'm on a high from that. So Mer/Der fluff!! Yay!!**

**So enjoy! **

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"Meredith?" I called gently as I stuck my head in her door, feeling awkward for no reason at all. I had come over unannounced plenty of time before. I was always walking in without knocking. Meredith's house was nearly as just as much mine as it was hers. I had never felt awkward walking in here before. But after last night something felt awkward.

She didn't respond but I could hear the sound of the blow dryer coming from the upstairs washroom so I took the stairs slowly hoping that maybe she'd turn it off and hear me before I reached the washroom. No such luck. There stood Meredith, my Meredith. Belting out some horrid song in a horrid voice, a blow dryer in one hand, a brush in the other. And a towel wrapped around her naked body. Her bare arms and legs gleamed with water from the shower she has obviously just taken. Her hair dripped slighly on the floor. And the towel hugged her breasts, and curved at her waste. She was...beautiful.

In my mind I could picture myself ripping the towel off of her and pushing her onto the counter top, taking her there. Making her mine there. God, I could picture it.

In that moment I knew exactly what I wanted.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down every single male part of me that is getting far too excited. The deep breath alerts Meredith to my pressence.

"Derek!" she yelled as she saw me, dropping both items onto the ground and grabbing desperately onto her towel as if it was about to fall away. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm...well...uhhh..." Apparently unbeknownst to me the site of Meredith in a towel had stopped any speech functions I might have once had. "Dog," I finally sputtered out.

"Dog?" she asked, looking confused. Looking completely totally adorably confused.

"Dog," I said, nodding eagerly, feeling suspiciously like a teenage boy who had accidentally ended up in the girls' locker room. For one of the countries leading neurosurgeons the sight of a young intern in a towel had managed to turn me into a bumbling idiot. "Dog. Yeah, dog. You and me, we're supposed to go get a dog."

"Oh, the dog. Umm...I thought we needed time. That you needed time." Meredith said.

"I also need a dog, and I remember you agreeing to going with me," I said, the gift of speech finally returining to me.

"Oh umm...okay, we can go get a dog," she said, starting to follow me out of the room.

"You might want to put on clothes first," I joked lightly, happy to hear her giggle in return. After the last 48 hours of our lives together I was horffied that I might never hear it again.

I went downstairs and was soon joined by my Meredith, the one with the soft flowing hair, jeans and that adorable Darthmouth tshirt. As wonderful as she had looked nearly naked this was nearly just as good. We drove to the pound in silence, it was comfortable and yet strained. Comfortable because it was us, and we were...well us. Even amongst all this mess, we were still Meredith and Derek. And that was good. But we weren't completely us. It's hard to talk to someone who you may or may not be falling for, when you still can see flashes of bare skin in your mind.

We entered the pound and I fell in love.

"That's him," I said pointing to the small puppy in the cage directly in front of us.

"Der, that's a golden retriever, you wanted a mutt," Meredith said, crouching down for a closer look at the dog.

"Hemingway," I said, crouching down beside her to get closer to the dog I knew was coming home with me.

"Hemingway?" Meredith asked, looking at me strangely, as if no one had ever named a dog after an author before.

"My favourite book's the Sun Also Rises," I said with a shrug, sticking my fingers into the cage so the tiny puppy could lick my fingers.

"So you're naming you're dog Hemingway?" she said. I looked up at her to find her scrunching her nose at me.

"Meredith, Hemingway is a good name for a dog," I said trying to read her face, trying to see if she would give in. "You don't like Hemingway?" I asked her, stretching back up to stand beside her, letting my hand find a place in her own.

Her hands fell to our joined ones. "Derek, it doesn't matter, we're taking time."

Time? No, time definitely did not mean it didn't matter what Meredith thought of my dog. I dropped her hand and pulled her into my arms, and regardless of what she thought taking time did or did not mean. She looked so sad, standing there thinking that it didn't matter what she thought of my dog. "Meredith, do you like Hemingway?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what Addison thinks. Because she's your wife, and I'm...I'm your...we're taking time. So it doesn't matter what I think of Hemingway. He's adorable, and he looks like a dog you'd have. He looks like your dog. And you would name a dog after an author and..."

I kissed her lips quickly, not even really thinking of what I was doing, just trying to make her stop rambling. "Meredith, stop rambling. I want to know what you think of Hemingway. I'm important to me," I said, turning her back around to look at Hemingway again.

"Fine he's perfect," Meredith finally said. 'But I'm naming your next dog."

I smiled and took her hand, off to find someone to get Hemingway for us. "Our dog, Mer."

_Darling so it goes, somethings are meant to be._

**There's not much to say about this chapter. It's just a bunch of cute Meredith and Derek. Meredith flips out a bit at the end, because just the night before she decided she really wanted to be with him, but she can't. And now he wants to know what she thinks of his dog. So she freaked out, because she's getting what she wants but not when she can have it. But really...it's just some Mer/Der cuteness.**

**Another update will be up in a bit.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	26. 9 Crimes Part 2

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy McDouchebag (Isaiah Washington) would have been fired in October. (if you want to hate me for that...that's fine. But it's just the way it is.)**

**So this chapter it's a big one. So I can't say much in an opening author's note. But the main thing is, well something happens that had to happen. It just had to happen eventually. But it's not actually going to happen the way you all hoped it would. But well...it's something. Something big.**

**Enjoy!**

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Derek's stupid dog had chewed my shoes. He had asked me to keep the thing for one damned night and it had managed to chew my shoes. I don't even know what I had agreed to keep it. Maybe I did, because Derek had given me those eyes and called Hemingway our dog and it was impossible to say no when he looked at me like that. And maybe it had been nice having Hemingway snuggled up close when I had gone to bed. But the damned thing had chewed my shoes.

He was going to hear about it.

"Have you seen Dr. Shepherd?" I asked the nurse standing closest to me.

"On call room," the nurse answered gesturing to the closed door off to the left of us.

Oh, he was going to get it. His stupid dog has chewed my shoes. The dog was adorable, I loved the dog, the dog was not the problem. The problem was my shoes were now destroyed. And more importantly, the problem was that Derek is an idiot.

I swung the door open ready to rip into him.

Except for that wasn't the Dr. Shepherd I had been looking for. And that man devouring her definitely wasn't her husband.

They sprang apart the second the door opened and were now looking at me like deers caught in a headlights. Addison's hair had fallen partially out of her ponytail, her red lipstick smeared lightly around. The rest of it was on Alex's face, rimming his red swollen lips. Both of their shirts were on the floor and it was obvious had I not interrupted their pants woudn't be far apart.

"I'm...ummm...I'm..." I stutterd, not even sure what it was I was trying to say.

"Meredith! Close the door!" Alex yelled, gesturing to the still open door behind her.

I didn't move, how could I move? I shouldn't be seeing this, this was not good. I couldn't see this. I just couldn't see this. Derek couldn't see this.

"Derek..." I said, yet again not even being quite sure what I planned on saying after that, but I felt the need to say his name.

"Meredith, you can't tell him," his wife said sounding far more calmer than she should.

Apparently the voice of her wife knocked me out of my frozen thoughts. "Derek...Der...how could you do this to him? You're married, how could you? Derek..."

Addison rolled her eye at me. "It's not like you two aren't doing the same thing."

Addison thought Derek and I were sleeping together. Derek and me sleeping together. What was wrong with her? Of course we weren't sleeping together. Even when we kissed at no point we had never even come close to sleeping together. I wouldn't sleep with a married man. And Derek was better than that. Derek would never do that. The idea was...appealing. No, absurd. The idea of Derek and I having sex was completely absurd. "I'm going to go, I shouldn't be here," I said, pointing towards the door.

"Go," Addison said, looking down sadly at her's and Alex's shirt. "It's what my husband does best, you might as well do it too."

"Umm...yeah, I'm going," I said turning around and heading out the door.

I wasn't even down the hall when I heard someone running behind me.

"Meredith! Meredith! It's not..."

I whipped around and stared Alex down, the anger I had been holding back setting in. Alex was my friend, and Addison was Derek's wife. His wife. Derek and I had been holding back everything, denying everything, making sure we never did anything because of her. And then she did this to him. She did this to Derek. And Alex helped. "Alex! What were you thinking? She's married, Alex! Addison is married!'

"What Grey? You're doing the same thing," Alex said.

"I am not sleeping with Derek. Not now nor have I have I ever been sleeping with Derek. You know why? Because he's married. To Addison. Who, by the way, left her lipstick all over your mouth. You may want to wipe that off," I hissed at him.

"You're not sleeping with Shepherd?" Alex said looking confused.

"No Alex, I am not sleeping with Derek," I said. "Derek and I, we're complicated, and he's my best friend. And a whole bunch of more mess. But I am not sleeping with him."

"Best friend?" Alex said, suddenly looking worried. "You can't tell him about this."

"Of course I'm going to tell him about this, best friend. He's my best friend. Best friend Alex! I have to tell him about this!" I yelled. The thought of not telling Derek hadn't even crossed my mind. This wasn't something I was about to keep from him. His wife was cheating on him. I had to tell him.

"Let Addison tell him!" Alex pleaded with me. "She's the one that cheated. And Grey, you know as well as I know that their marriage has problems, let them figure this out."

"Addison figured it out in bed with you!" I yelled. Addison had cheated on Derek. My Derek. The one person who understood me, the one person that meant more to me than anything. Addison had cheated on him. My Derek. God, this was going to hurt him, so much. She hurt him. And we had done nothing, we had been so good, even when I had been tempted yesterday to pull that towel off and take Derek right there, we hadn't done anything. We had faught everything. To have Addison do this.

"Meredith, don't tell him," Alex asked of me again.

"There's no way I can't tell him," I said, my voice returning to normal.

"Fine, go ahead tell him. And then you can see who he picks to believe, you or his wife," Alex said turning around.

Me or his wife. If I told Derek he'd ask Addison, and Addison would deny it. And then Derek would have to choose who to between. His wife of eleven years or his best friend of a couple of months. He would have to choose. And honestly, I don't know if I wanted that. Becasuse if he chose his wife, our friendship would never be the same. And I didn't have the strength to face that. I could loose Derek.

But if I didn't tell him, and he found out, I could loose him.

Shit.

This was not good.

_Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do._

**So Meredith knows. Except for she doesn't want to know, at all. Because now she has this big huge secret and she has no idea what to do with it. Because she knows she had to tell Derek. As his best friend she has to tell him. But Alex managed to put doubt in her mind, that maybe, just maybe Derek wouldn't believe her and would trust his wife over her. And that she'd lose him, and the idea of losing him terrifies her. So yeah, this is not information she wants to know.**

**Another update will be up in a bit...not sure when. Because I think I might rework a lot of things. Lol. Meredith and Derek in my head are no longer happy with the direction this fic was supposed to go in...so well things might change.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	27. Memories are Meant to Fade

**Disclaimer: Right now, in this moment, I'm happy I DON'T own Grey's Anatomy. Because well there's far too much headaches. In my fake Grey's Anatomy world there aren't nearly as many headaches.**

**So yeah last one was the big one. And now everyone wants to know whether or not she's going to say anything to Derek but that's a complex question for a complex situation. But in the mean time, Derek is her best friend. So she can't really not be around him. So they do see each other and things are slightly uncomfortable. But that's okay. Really it is. I'm not crazy, you'll see.**

**Enjoy!**

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I rushed down the hall, intent on picking up some labs that had been waiting for hours when suddenly a famililar blonde head caught my eye. She wasn't moving around like usual, buzzing with energy from one place to another. Instead she stood in one spot, her eyes fixated on the wall in front of her, completely oblivious to anything going on around her. Her body hummed with tensions, and her eyes looked close to tears.

"Meredith?" I said, approaching her and grabbing her arm gently. "Mer?"

She didn't answer me, didnt say a word, just looked up at me with tears filled eyes. Stared at me with tear filled eyes.

Still holding onto her arm I dragged her into a nearby on call room and locked the door behind us, giving us complete privacy from the busy hospital. I had no idea what had upset her. When I left her house last night she had been all smiles and giggles, telling me that Hemingway wouldn't miss me at all. And now she was in the hallway of the hospital looking devastated. But it didn't really matter why. I pulled her into my arms, holding her close, telling her everything would be okay, even though I didn't even know what was wrong.

"What if it's not okay?" Meredith answered, with a shaky breath, her mouth pressed close to my chest.

I pulled back slightly, holding her far enough way so our eyes could meet. "Meredith, it will be okay. Because you have me," I said smiling at her.

"For how long, Derek? How long do I have you for?" Meredith said, trying to squirm her way out of my arms but I held tightly.

"What are you talking about Meredith?" I asked, trying to figure out exactly what had brought this on. Yesterday we had been giggling in her backyard, playing with the puppy that we shared, enjoying a rare sunny day in Seattle. Today she was asking how long she'd have me. That shouldn't have even been a question.

"What if something were to happen that made you not want to be here anymore?" Meredith asked, finally resigning herself to remaining in my arms but refusing to look me in the eyes.

I pulled her close again, still unsure of what was bugging her but hoping that my arms could offer some comfort. "Nothing can happen that will make that happen, nothing Mer."

"You can't be sure about that. Things happen, life happens. And I'll be alone again and you...and something could happen," Meredith argued trying to pull herself out my arms again, shaking her head in protest.

"Nothing is going to happen Mer," I said, letting her go even though I didn't want to. "I know we're taking time to figure thing out, but Meredith, no matter what it is I figure out, you will always be my best friend," I said, smoothing a hair out of her face.

"You say that now," Meredith responded, blinking back some tears that I could see threatening to fall.

"Meredith, what happened? Last night you were fine," I asked, hoping to god she would answer. It was impossible to solve her problem whatever it was when she wouldn't let me in.

"Nothing happened," she said, her eyes widening in the dark. "Nothing happened, everything is the same. I don't know anything. Everything is the same. I was just freaking out, Derek. But why would anything have happened? Nothing happened," she rambled.

I knew my Meredith. "Mer, what happened?"

"Noth..." but as her eyes met mine her voice died. "Something happened Derek. But I need to think. I need time. To figure things out, I just, I need time."

"We're pretty good for needing time," I answered, a small chuckle relaxing the atmosphere between us. "But you know you can talk to me about anything."

"I know, Der. But right now..." Meredith told me, trailing off as she looked around the small room.

"TIme," I finished smiling at her. "Well Dr. Grey, I do believe you are free to go. But I'd appreciate if you tried to smile a little more while the hospital is paying for you to be here," I teased her.

She laughed at me, gently hitting my stomach as she turned around to leave. Her hand landed on the doorknob when she suddenly paused and turned back towards me. "Thanks, Derek," she muttered, before grabbing my shirt with her fist and yanking me towards her. She pressed her lips against mine, hard and demanding and I gave in immediately. The kiss was short lived, as she soon pulled away and exited the confined space. I rubbed my lips gently with my finger, enjoy the swollen feeling that remained there.

God, she could kiss.

_I'd never let you down when you're in a fix, I'd come running when you call, that's my weakness baby, so connected are we._

**So Meredith is terrified of what will happen regardless of what she does with her new found information, so she's clueless about what to do. But then Derek's there, and he can tell that something is bugging her, something big. But instead of pushing he goes all McDreamy on her, tells her that whatever it is he's always going to be there. Which is basically exactly what Meredith needed to hear, so she kisses him. Against her better judgement, she kisses him. Again.**

**Update immediately following this one.**

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	28. Bed of Lies

**Disclaimer: Yet again today I'm happy I don't own Grey's Anatomy. According to ET they had a meeting amongst the cast today so the rest of the cast could tell IW how they felt about him. I wouldn't have wanted to be there for that.**

**So Meredith...she's still flipping out. Because right when everything was messy and complicated, Derek was being all McDreamy on her and she ended up kissing him. Again. So instead of figuring anything out, life just got a little more complicated. So now, she's still in flip out Meredith stage. But not with Derek anymore, because there's other people flip out to. Lol. So this is Meredith's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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"You kissed McDreamy again, didn't you?" Cristina asked.

My head snapped up, my eyes tearing away from the glass of wine that sat in front of me, I met her gaze head on. "No. Of course not. I mean...no," I said, finding it hard to find my words.

"Meredith..." Izzie warned me.

"Fine, I kissed McDreamy. Are you happy? Because I'm not. I'm all dark and twisty. I need to stop kissing that man. Kissing that man makes things dark and twisty. I hate him," I said,scowling at my wine glass, as if it had been it's fault that yet again I had managed to kiss Derek. At the worst possible time. Kissing Derek was bad. Good. But bad. Really bad.

"What's the excuse this time?" Cristina said, laughter in her voice.

"McWife is Mccheating on him," I said under my breath.

"What?" Izzie exclaimed rather loudly. "Dr. Montgomery Shepherd is cheating on him?"

"Who's she screwing?" Cristina asked me, pouring wine to top off all of our glasses.

"That...that's not the point. The point is Addison is cheating. And I caught her and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Because Derek is my best friend,"I said, rambling a bit to my friends, hoping they'd have an answer to the ever complicated problem that was my life.

"McDreamy is not your best friend," Cristina said to me, rolling her eyes.

"What are you..." I started but Cristina cut me off.

"Meredith, seriously? Bambi and Barbie are best friends and you don't see them playing tonsil hockey in elevators," Cristina told me, disgust evident in her voice.

"She has a point, Mer," Izzie said.

She did have a point, that was the problem. Best friends didn't play tonsil hockey, in elevators or in any other areas. Best friends could hang out together for five seconds without having to fight off the urge to rip off clothing regardless of who else might be around. Best friends most definitely didn't have to take time to figure out exactly what they were. But minus all those complications, at the end of the day, Derek was my best friend. "It's complicated," I said finally, sipping back my wine in order to avoid any other questions.

"Are you going to tell him?" Izzie asked me.

"I don't know," I said, resting my head against the kitchen table.

"You have to tell him. He has the right to know," Izzie argued.

"What? She can't tell him," Cristina argued back.

"She has to tell him," Izzie argued to her, as if I had left the room. They were starting to sound like my brain had since the moment I had seen Addison and Alex together.

"No. Meredith and McDreamy are the world's biggest mess. If she tells him this it's going to become a bigger mess. She has to keep her mouth shut. This relationship has nothing to do with Meredith," Cristina argued. I had heard that argument in my head before. Yep, I knew that argument.

"And they also claim to be best friends. As his best friend, she has to tell him. He's going to find out eventually, they always find out eventually. And when he does...if...if he finds out she already knew he's going to be furious. She'll loose him if she doesn't tell him," Izzie argued back. I had heard that argument in my head before too. Yep, I knew that argument.

If I didn't tell Derek, I could loose him.

I thought of my content life before Derek. I'd spend my days and some nights working hard at the hospital and would spend my free time with my family, or whatever it was that we were. Ryan and I never went on dates anymore, just relaxed around the house, usually with everyone else around too. It was relaxing, it was easy, it was uncomplicated. Since Derek had arrived everything had become a mess. I wished him out of my life, so many nights in a row I wished him out of my life. But with him, everything seemed exciting. Trying every single restaurant in Seattle, ferry boat rides, fishing, buying a dog, everything just seemed different. Life wasn't content anymore.

I couldn't loose Derek.

"I'm going to tell him," I stated, breaking into what had become an argument.

"What?" my two friends asked simutaneously, giving me shocked looks.

"Derek is...Derek's...I just can't risk losing him," I said, my words coming out rushed and uneven.

"Meredith..." Crisitna started, I could hear the warning in her voice.

"No. I can't. Telling him is messy and it's going to hurt and it's scary. And...and...just it's complicated. But Izzie is right, if I don't tell him. If I don't tell him I could loose him. And I can't. I can't loose Derek," I said, my voice lowering to a whisper. "I can't survive loosing him."

"You're falling," Izzie said, sympathy and understanding apparent in her boce.

"I think I fell already," I finally admitted, gently banging my head against the table.

Cristina looked at me and then at the bottle of wine that sat in the middle of the table. "I don't think this is strong enough," Cristina said, getting up and walking towards the cupboard and thankfully coming back with a full bottle of tequila. This is why we were friends.

_I know it's weak, but god help me I need this._

**So Meredith is going to tell him. After hearing the arguments out loud from her friends she knows she needs to tell him. Regardless of how messy it might be, because not telling him means she could loose him when he does find out. And that's just not something she can risk. So she's not telling him for him, she's telling him for her, for them. Which is slightly selfish but sometimes that's how we make decisions. So yeah...she's telling him.**

**Another update will be up later...maybe this afternoon, maybe tonight. Going out for supper with friends and I have no idea what time I'm leaving at so it's going to depend.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	29. Dazed and Confused

**Disclaimer: Owning Grey's Anatomy would basically be the coolest thing in the world. Sadly...I don't own it, I just don't.**

**So here's a really big secret...that you probably know if you've read basically any of my other stuff. I love Derek. I love Derek for many reasons, one being he's GORGEOUS. But more imporantly because he's an idiot. He gets himself in the messiest and most complicated siuations and he has no idea what to do about them. So he pouts and broods and is all sexy. And makes everyone around him miserable. And then someone, always the same someone in my fics, yells at him and suddenly he wakes up. So yeah...this chapter...**

**Enjoy!**

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"Miranda," I greeted the tiny woman as I sat down beside her at Joe's.

"It's Bailey to you," she said, not even bothering to look at me, to see who it was, to even really greet me properly.

"We're not at work," I told her.

"That's quite the observation, Dr. Shepherd," Bailey said, finally looking at me.

I didn't bother to meet her eyes as I just stared down at the glass of scotch Joe had just passed my way. I wanted to talk to Bailey, I liked Bailey and I needed to talk to someone. But what I needed to talk about wasn't the easiest conversation to start. Actually the only person I could imagine talking about it to was Meredith, and she was the last person I could talk to. "Did Mered...did Dr. Grey seem strange to you today?" I finally asked her.

"No, is there any particular reason she should be strange today?" Bailey asked me, distrust tainting her voice.

"Nothing, it's nothing," I told her, my eyes dropping back down to the glass of scotch I was yet to actually taste.

That hadn't gone as well as planned. I needed her to open up to me, to tell me that Meredith was acting strange so we could at least talk about that. Instead she didn't notice anything. This conversation was already not going the way I had hoped. We sat in silence for a bit longer, her sipping on her drink as I just stared at mine.

"So I have a patient," I said, breaking the silence, trying a new tactic to this conversation.

"Doctors generally do," Bailey told me.

"I have a patient. And I...he's married. To a woman that's really pretty wonderful. But he has this best friend, and she's...something else. She's just something else. And things with this best friend, they keep progressing, even though neither of them really want them to," I said, finally taking a gulp of scotch, hoping to calm the nerves in my stomach.

"Progressing?" Bailey asked me looking skeptical.

"Excalating," I told her, nodding slightly. "And now things are just complicated. He asked for some time, from the friend, but he...he doesn't do so well without her. He doesn't know what to do."

Bailey looked me up and down, with a searching glare that made me squirm slightly in my seat. I had a feeling she didn't quite believe my story. Neurosurgeons generally didn't find out this much about their patients personal lives. But I wasn't about to admit that I was the one with the problem.

"Is he in love with this best friend?" Bailey finally asked.

"No, I...him I mean. He can't be. That's absurd...she's...he's not in love with her," I said, sputtering slightly over my words. I wasn't in love with Meredith, I wasn't.

"Is he in love with his wife?" Bailey asked again.

"No, definitely not," I said honestly. I couldn't remember the last time I had even thought about the idea of being in love with Addison, the last time the words had even passed through my lips. But this was the first time I admitted it out loud. to someone else. It felt odd...not being in love with your wife anymore. Not even sure if there ever really had been a time when you were.

"Seems easy enought to me," Bailey said, as she stood up and grabbed her jacket off the chair.

I looked at her expectantly, hoping to god she had the fast solution, the little decision I could make that would make this big messy complication go away and leave my life back to normal.

"Dr. Shepherd, I'm not an idiot," she said rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. Maybe coming to the Nazi for advice hadn't been the best idea. But besides Meredith she was the closest thing to a friend that I had in Seattle.

"What?" I looked at her, confused.

"I see the way you interact with my intern. I see the way you look at my intern. I see the way you mess with my intern's head," she snapped.

"But..."

She cut me off. "No, no, no. You don't get to talk. McDreamy you do far too much talking. Listen. I see the way you look at my intern and I see the way my intern looks at you. Whether you're in love or lust or whatever it is, I don't know, and quite frankly I don't care. What I do care about is my intern. She's a damned fine woman and deserves more than some brain surgeon who doesn't appear to have a brain of his own. She deserves better than that. And your wife...she's a damned fine woman too. And deserves far more than some man who can say with no hesitation that he's not in love with her anymore."

"Bailey..."

"Did I say I was done? Derek, I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you to leave your wife, I can't tell you to chase after Meredith. I can't tell you. But I can tell you, as it stands right now, you're just hurting three people, two of which don't deserve it. You don't need time, you need to figure your head out, quick. You need to think of someone besides yourself for once," Bailey said, rolling her eyes and walking away. "Hopefully that got through your overly moused head," I heard her mutter under her breath.

I was hurting Meredith, god this had to be hurting Meredith. Kissing her one second and asking for time the next. Promising her that I'd be around forever, when really I didn't know. I just didn't know.

I was hurting Addison, pretending everything was fine, going to bed beside her every night just to dream about another woman, that she thought we were friend with. She didn't know. I just didn't know.

Bailey hadn't helped.

_Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true, wanted a woman, never bargained for you._

**So Derek got yelled at. Which he needed because Derek is being stupid and hurting people. So someone needed to call him on his shit. And in my world, that someone is always Bailey. Because I love their friendship, I love how they play off each other. And really, Derek sometimes just needs to be yelled at, this was one of those times. And at the end, Derek still doesn't know what he wants, but he knows that he can't keep going the way he is because he's hurting people.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	30. Inside Your Heaven

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I'd be celebrating the birth of the twins with the Dempeys. Supposing the "reports" are true and they did have them this weekend. But I'm at home. **

**So I like this chapter, it's a fun chapter. WIth Meredith freaking out and Derek's being McDreamy. It's a fun chapter.**

Fingers wrapped around my arm and stopped me from running down the hall. Which was a major problem consider the fingers were attached to the man I was running down the hall to avoid talking to. Not that I didn't want to talk to him, I did. I needed to talk to him. I just wasn't sure how to start the conversation with him. How does one tell a man that his wife is cheating on him?

"Mer, slow down," he said, pulling me closer to him.

"Charts," I sputted out. "I have charts to do."

"They can wait five seconds," he said, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen out of my pony tail. His mouth stretched into a smile, his eyes softened. Oh no, not that look. That damned McDreamy look. I couldn't think of what to say when he looked at me like that.

"Why do you look at me like that?" I asked him for the first time, my voice coming out breathless.

The McDreamy look dissapeared from his face replaced by a look of complete confusion. "Like what?" he asked.

There was no way he was innocent, there was no way he didn't know how he looked at me, all soft and...dreamy. "You know what I'm talking about," I told him gulping for air. "Like I'm your...world or something."

The look returned to his face, the smile less soft and warm and more teasing. But just as appealing. "Maybe you are...my world."

"You have a wife," I said, knowing that the argument rang empty.

"I have a wife," he agreed nodding gently, the argument ringing just as empty.

My eyes fell to his lips. I didn't need a reminder of how they tasted, how the felt against mine. I knew. Thought of those lips kept me up every night. I couldn't be his world. He was married. And even if he wasn't...I was...I was me. Famous neurosurgeons didn't want anything to do with me, I couldn't be his world. But right now, I felt like it. He gently, probably subconciously licked his lips, I surpressed a groan knowing his eyes were on my lips. I felt my body lean closer to his. I couldn't do this, we were in the middle of the hallway. And he was married. And right now, I still had a boyfriend. I couldn't do this.

I shook my head to shake away the need to kiss him. "Derek..." I said in warning.

Derek cleared his throat as two nurses walked by. "Dr. Grey," he said, his voice sounding slightly shakey. "Are you going to the banquet tonight?"

"Yes, I am Dr. Shepherd," I told him nodding, surprised at the shakiness in my own voice.

"Save me a dance?" he said winking at me, in the now empty again hallway.

"I don't know if my boyfriend would be happy with that, Dr. Shepherd," I told him, teasing him, a smile stretching across my mouth.

"You still have the boyfriend?" he asked, his face dropping immediately, all the teasing laughing tones gone from his voice.

"You still have a wife," I pointed out.

"But...I thought...we nearly kissed and yesterday you were so upset and then...I just thought," he told me, stumbling around to find his words, which was so unlike him. I wondered what it was about Ryan that shook Derek so much.

"I'm working on it," I told him, smiling encouragingly, my hand slipping itself into his. I didn't mean to hold his hand. Holding his hand was definitely not a good idea. But they fit so well, it felt so good to hold his hand. I couldn't find the strength to pull mine away.

He smiled. "So save me a dance?" he asked again, the panic and sadness out of his voice, back to being my best friend, or whatever the hell he was.

"If you'd like, Dr. Shepherd," I said, giggling softly.

"Dr. Shepherd? Minutes ago it was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd," he teased me, letting go of my hand and quickly giving me a kiss on the cheek before he turned to head down the hallway. "In that case, I will see you this evening, Dr. Grey," he said, emphasising my name.

Suddenly I remembered why I had been avoiding him. Without him staring at me my mind worked much better and I remember. Addison was cheating on him. "Derek!" I called out, trying to keep my voice casual. "There's something I need to talk to you about."

He immediately stopped walking away and turned around, concern etching his features. "What's up Mer?"

"It's just...well the other day I was looking for you and a nurse said that...and I mean, I didn't want to see anything. I just kind of walked in and..." I said wringing my hands and trying to breathe. Derek was happy. His life was complicated but he was happy. And even if he wasn't sure what he wanted, this was going to hurt. I didn't want to be the one to tell him this, god I didn't want to be the one to tell him this. "It might not have been what it looked like, it could have been the first time, but well..."

"Mer," Derek said reaching out and resting a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Breathe."

I took a deep breath but before I could start again his pager rang. He pulled it off his pants and swore at the screen. "911. I have to go. Can you tell me later?"

"Yep...yep..." I breathed, my body still tense from nearly telling him, hating the fact I had been cut off.

"Breathe, Mer. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad," he said, smiling charmingly at me. It was hard to remember to stay nervous when he smiled like that. He leaned over and quickly kissed my cheek again and sprinted down the hallway, leaving me alone, standing in the hallway.

_The wrong become undone, naturally, my soul surrenders, the sun and the moonlight, my dreams are in your eyes._

**So Meredith tried to tell him. She did, but he was busy looking at her and flirting and when she finally got to talking. But instead of just getting out the story she rambled and stumbled over words and hyperventilated. So the story didn't come out and then he got paged away for the talk stopped before it ever got started. So Meredith has now tried to tell him, but he still doesn't know.**

**Another update will be up tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review. **


	31. I Just Want to Love You

**Disclaimer: I would have loved to be at SAGs last night. That would have been great, especially with all the winning. Instead I was at home watching them on tv with my brother and his extremely dorky best friend, because alas, I don't not own Grey's Anatomy.**

**So this chapter had to happen eventually...you all knew it had to happen eventually. Because everything has been leading to this happening, and taken from GA itself for inspiration it had to happen at a dance...although it's not a prom, just a banquet. Of course what you want to happen doesn't happen, but something that had to happen eventually does. And this is kind of a two parter. This part and then the next part...both the dance. From two different perspectives. Meredith is first.**

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

The hotel was breathtaking. I had never been in this hotel before, never been in any hotel that was this fancy. And it was breathtaking. The hospital was holding it's anual banquet for whatever reason and they decided to have it here. Here in the beautiful breathtaking place. I didn't even feel like I should be standing here. Meredith Grey, the messy intern should not be standing in a place like this.

"You look beatiful tonight," a voice said behind me, making me jump.

I turned around to find Ryan standing behind me. He looked great in his suit and I was trying my best to be glad that I brought him. I hadn't found the courage to break up with him, so here he was. In a nice suit standing in a fancy ball room. With all my friends and coworkers milling around. With Derek. Somewhere in the room was Derek. My Derek. With his filthy adulterous whore of a wife. Apparently the anger had set in. And I was with Ryan.

I really really needed to end things with Ryan. I needed to find the words.

I also really really needed to finish my conversation with Derek.

"Meredith, are you okay?" he asked, sounding concerned after I hadn't responded to his compliment. Honestly, the compliment had barely fazed me.

My eyes scanned the crowd, hoping to find the familiar dark head. Balloons littered the area surrounding the dance floor and all the doctors and nurses milled around, dressed up. It looked like some demented version of my high school prom. Not that I went to my prom, but if I had, I'd imagine this is what it would have looked like. I rolled my eyes, finding comfort in the fact Cristina was probably somewhere in the room doing the exact same thing.

_I just want to love you more than anything else_

"It looks like a prom," I suddenly said out loud to Ryan.

"It does," he answered, sounding enthusiastic.

"I hate prom, I didn't even go to prom. I was the angry girl with the pink hair, that girl didn't go to prom," I said, a ball of dread forming in my stomach thinking about the night ahead of me.

"Really? I was prom king," Ryan said simply.

I looked at him, I really looked at him for the first time in a long time. Recently I had been wondering what I had seen in him at all. The angry girl with the pink hair didn't end up with the prom king, she ended up with the hot biker dude that listened to The Clash. Derek was conveniently a former hot biker dude who still listened to The Clash. "Oh, you were that guy."

He didn't respond, he just smiled at me. My eyes travelled back to the dance floor hoping to find Derek. The dark curls had to be somewhere in the room, I had seen his car parked outside. But the floor was so crowded and so dark, it was impossible to make anyone out. I could usually feel Derek anywhere, but somehow it wasn't working tonight. Suddenly a flash of red hair caught my eye and I found Derek standing with his wife, their arms linked as they talked to Alex Karev of all people.

_More than life itself, more than ever baby_

"Mer, you there?" Ryan said, his voice coming from a distance.

Derek chose that second to look up and our eyes met from the distance. Even from the distance, even with everyone milling around his eyes managed to suck me right in. It was like the hallway earlier in the day, nothing else existed but him and me. His eyes left mine and swept over my body, his face lighting up with a smile of approval. He looked amazing, the tux he had chosen tailored perfectly to his body. I didn't even like tuxes, tuxes were penguin suits for old men. But Derek made it work.

_I just want to hold you, feel your breath on my skin_

"Meredith?" Ryan asked me, at a distance again.

I ignored him again, still staring right at Derek. I wanted to turn away, I wanted to look elsewhere. But I couldn't. I couldn't look away. Heat filled his eyes, heat and softness and suddenly I couldn't breath. Not at all. I couldn't feel Ryan's hand on the small on my back, I couldn't see anyone else in the room. It was just Derek, it had always been Derek. I didn't want to be standing here with this man, I wanted to be with Derek. And if the look he was giving me was any indication he was feeling the same way. He wanted to be with me.

His mouth suddenly opened and he mouthed, in the most adorable exaggerated way that I looked amazing and that I owed him that dance. I mouthed thank you and that I knew back and smiled broadly at him, happy to see a matching grin light up his face. The heat in his gaze was less now, his eyes softening into the McDreamy look.

_Again an' again an' again_

And suddenly I found the words.

"Ryan, I think you should probably just go home," I said on a whisper, my voice coming out strained and breathless.

"What?" Ryan asked sounding confused.

I regretfully smiled a goodbye at Derek and tore my eyes away from him, looking at the man that was about to stop being my boyfriend. "You shouldn't be here."

"What are you talking about?" Ryan asked again, panic coming to join the confusion in his voice.

"I can't...I can't be with you. I tried, Ryan, I really did try. But it's just, it's not working, it's just not working anymore. You're great, and you're wonderful and you're safe. And I wish I wanted to be with you,but I can't. I can't. Not anymore, not after...not after everything. So you should go. I'm sorry but you should go," I said, blinking back a tear.

Ryan looked at me for a second and then whipped his head around, his eyes finding the spot where mine had been glued a second before, where Derek still stood. "It's him, isn't it?" he asked me disgust evident in his voice.

I nodded my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

"He's married, Meredith," Ryan argued.

"I know," I said back shakily, not wanting to delve into the complexities of the sham of a marriage. I hadn't found the words to tell Derek that Addison was cheating on him, I wasn't about to tell Ryan.

"You can't be with him," Ryan argued again. I don't know why he was arguining, usually when one made it clear they wanted someone else the other bowed out gracefully.

I took a deep breath as I thought about my next words. "I know. But...but if I can't be with him I don't think I want to be with anyone else."

"I thought you needed time," Ryan argued, his voice starting to become more desperate.

"I guess I was wrong," I responded. I thought I had needed time to figure things out, to figure out what I wanted. But apparently all I needed was Derek.

He stood there for a few minutes, breathing deeply, sounding like he was fighthing for each breath. I hated hurting him, but I had told him the truth. I couldn't be with anyone but Derek. "Do you love him?" he asked, out of the blue.

Did I love Derek?

My mouth opens and answers before the thought has a chance to run through my mind. "Yes. Yes I love him. I love Derek," I heard myself say, surprised at the confidence and conviction in my tone. Surprised that if felt good, that it felt right.

I loved Derek.

Ryan gave me one last look and turned and walked away.

I turned my head back to the dance floor, to find Derek standing in the exact same spot, by himself now, a worried expression on his face. I smiled at him, shakily, fighthing the urge to run to him, to loose myself in his arms, to never come up for air. He was still married. Even if his wife was a filthy adulterous whore, he was married. He smiled back at me, his eyes still filled with worry, but the smile was genuine. We stood there and looked at eachother. And in that moment his wife didn't matter. He was my Derek.

_Let's shut out the world and dim all the lights_

The moment was soon lost when Izzie ran up and grabbed my arm, dragging me into the fray as she fired off questions about where Ryan was. I didn't bother answering her and she didn't seem to mind. My eyes were still on Derek, and his eyes were still on me.

I was in love with Derek Shepherd.

_Baby, tonight I just want to love you._

**Meredith loves Derek. And they keep looking at each other, in the way they were looking at each other at prom. And Meredith loves Derek. And she finally dumped Ryan. And I wish I had a lot more intelligent insight to say about this chapter but I don't know. I think it all but speaks for itself. So no intelligence from me. Just rambling apparently.**

**Another update will be up later today...the second part, the other perspective.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	32. So She Dances

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy this kind of stuff would happen on the show, which would mean that Meredith and Derek would get more than 1.5 minutes of screen time together per episode. Yes, I'm not going to lie, I'm bitter. **

**So this is the 2nd part of the dance, sorry it took me a while to get it up. It's from Derek's perspective and quite frankly I'm really proud of it. It's the first time I've ever really written an entire update based entirely on a song but I think it worked. Or at least I hoped it worked. The song is So She Dances by Josh Groban. Who I love. **

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

_A waltz when she walks in the room_

_She blows back the hair from her face_

_She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight_

_Even her shadow has grace_

The dress clung to every subtle curve of her tiny body. Her hair curled softly around her face. Her eyes were shimmering. She stood at the top of the stairs, alone now, Ryan having walked off in anger only seconds before. Something about her looked sad, lonely, but she looked breath taking. I felt the room around me dissapear, I was captivated by her. My Meredith was something else.

Her eyes caught mine again and a smile stretched across her face. She didn't look lonely anymore, she didn't look sad. Shakey and scared maybe but not sad and lonely.

I fought the urge to approach her, but I could barely help myself. Meredith had captivated me since that first night in the bar, but no time as much as right now. Something about her tonight had my heart reaching out to her, something about her made me want to take her into my arms and never let go. We looked at each other, and the short distance between us dissapeared. We might as well have been the only two people in the room. As far as I was concerned we were. It was just Meredith and I, the way it was always meant to be.

_A waltz for the girl out of reach_

_She lifts her hands up to the sky_

_She moves with the music_

_The song is her lover_

_The melody's making her cry_

The moment was ruined when Dr. Stevens ran up to her, and grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the spot where she had been frozen.

She dissapeared into the crowd but it didn't take me long to find her again, in her friend George's arms swaying to some love song that I had no idea what the lyrics were, or what it was even called. It didn't matter. The way Meredith swayed to it was all that matter. I felt my wife in my arms but barely paid attention to her. Addison looked good tonight. She always did the party and smoozing thing so well, something I had always admired in her, but tonight it just didn't feel like enough.

Enough would have been the messy intern, that somehow had managed to clean up in the most beautiful way possible, and was in another man's arms. Even if the man was just George, something felt wrong about her being in another man's arms.

Meredith had been out of reach since the moment I had met her. Even when we kissed in the elevator, nearly kisssed on the couch, every second she had been out of reach. Because she belonged to another man. And I belonged to another woman. I never had a chance with her, we never had a chance to be what we could, what we would be so beautifully.

George whispered something in her ear, and suddenly the happiness in her eyes dissapeared, replaced by a sheen of tears. The look went unseen by George but I noticed it. I wondered again where Ryan had stormed off to, where the man that Meredith belonged to was.

Which was absurd, the man that Meredith belonged to was right her. In his wife's arms.

_So she dances_

_In and out of the crowd like a glance_

_This romance is_

_From afar calling me silently_

The song switched to a more up tempo thing, something by that Justin kid, so I found a seat, not bothering to say anything to Addison. She knew I didn't dance to fast songs, I didn't have to make up an excuse to sit this one out. I didn't have to be afraid to admit the truth that I'd rather just sit here and watch my Meredith.

The sadness had left her eyes again, as she laughed at something Cristina had whispered in her ear. She moved easily to the music, like someone who didn't have too much experience in the art of dancing but was just having some fun with her friends. There was no sexy moves, no moves used to catch the attention of anyone else. But she had my attention. With her light fun movements she had my attention. She laughed as she danced and I wondered the last time I had watched any other woman loose herself in such abandon. It was beautiful.

I found myself wanting to get up and join her, to loose myself in the movement and the laughter. To feel alive.

Meredith always made me feel alive.

And right now, that's all I wanted.

_A waltz for the chance I should take_

_But how will I know where to start?_

_She's spinning between constellations and dreams_

_Her rhythm is my beating heart_

"Meredith, can I have this dance?" I asked her, the song having switched back to a slow one.

She turned around in her seat and smiled at me, laughter in her eyes. "Would that be appropriate Dr. Shepherd?" she asked me.

"Dr. Grey, I do think you promised me one," I said, sticking out my hand for her to take.

Without another word she took her hand in mine, the softeness encasing my hard one. The softness of her hands always took me by surprise. Surgeons washed their hands so often, I never knew how she managed to keep her so soft. Or how they always tingled with warmth. I led her out onto the dance floor. I felt like the luckiest guy in the room. Like I was the dorky kid who the prom queen had chosen to dance with. Not that I had bothered going to prom, or had been that dorky kid. But the feeling was the same. I felt like I was getting the dance I had never quite deserved.

I wrapped my arms around her and looked into her eyes.

"Derek...about the talk earlier..." she whispered gently.

"Shhhh," I whispered gently. "Not tonight."

_So she dances_

_In and out of the crowd like a glance_

_This romance is_

_From afar calling me silently_

I pulled her closer, swaying to the music, my arms resting comfortably on her back, hers wrapped around my neck. Never had I felt like I belonged this much.

She didn't smell like Meredith tonight, her usual flowery smell hidden by some sensual perfume that was just as desirable. Her eyes were lined with make up that was usually absent, her mouth coloured by some type of gloss. Tonight she wasn't my Meredith, she was another Meredith. A Meredith that played the game, that put on the dress and the make up and pretended to be this pulled together this person, an adult. She was playing the game I played every time I went to these things. It wasn't a better Meredith, just a diffferent Meredith.

She still felt like my Meredith, pressed against my body and fitting in every way possible. I had danced with plenty of women before in my life, but none had ever fit quite like this.

I met her eyes and was surprised to find tears sparkling in them, even though a smile stretched across her face. I muttered her name under my breath and pulled her closer, knowing that we were now standing far too close to be proper.But for the first time in my life I didn't care about being proper, I didn't care about doing the right thing, All I cared about was holding my Meredith close.

_I can't keep on watching forever_

_I give up this view just to tell her_

She exhaled slowly, her breath tickling my neck and it took all my strength not to lean over and kiss her.

God, I love her.

The thought came out of nowhere. Never before had the word really passed my mind, except for in denial. Never before had I ever even considered the possible idea of me being in love with her. We didn't belong to each other. Except for we did. Regardless of Addison, of Ryan. We belonged to each other. Since that night in the bar, the second our eyes had met, we belonged to each other. And nothing was ever goingto change that. No matter how complicated it was.

I loved Meredith.

I loved the way she giggled. I loved the way that anytime I let my ego get ahead of itself she's scrunch up her nose and call me on it. I loved the way she let out small moans when I kissed her. I loved the way she contraticted herself, the way she rambled when she was panicked, the way she always put her friends first.I loved that she liked the trailer, that she loved my messy puppy. I loved the way she looked right after cutting. I loved the way she smelt, the way she tasted, the way she felt in my arms. There was not one thing I didn't love about her.

I didn't need time, I didn't need space.

I needed Meredith.

_When I close my eyes I can see_

_The spotlights are bright on you and me_

_We've got the floor_

_And you're in my arms_

_How could I ask for more?_

Tears unexpectedly rushed to my eyes. I blinked them back but knew it was too late as one traced it's way down my cheek. Meredith looked at me, alarm clouding her already tear filled eyes. I shook my head softly, indicating that I was okay, that she didn't need to ask, that she didn't need to say anything. I burried my face in her hair, against her shoulder, letting the music surround me as I didn't want to move from this spot, ever. I just wanted to dance here and love Meredith.

I felt her fingers tangle themselves in my hair, comforting me, holding me closer. A few more tears escaped my eyes, landing on her shoulder. I couldn't bring myselt to stop the tears, I didn't want to be this guy. I wasn't this guy. I didn't cry. But never before had a woman captured me the way Meredith had.

I needed her in my life, I needed her. And not as a friend, she couldn't be a friend any longer. I need more than this, I needed more than stolen moments together, moments where we knew that everything we were doing was wrong but we just couldn't help ourselves. I needed to end things with Addison, they had been over since the second I had seen Meredith. They had been over long before that actually. And now, now I needed to end. So I could belong to Meredith, really belong to Meredith.

I felt a wet spot on my neck and realized Meredith was slilently crying as well, and wondered if she had reached the same realization, wondered if that's why Ryan had left. Because Meredith had realized she couldn't live without me. I pulled her even closer, resting a soft kiss on the crook on her neck and we danced. I knew eyes were on us. Her fellow interns, the chief, my coworkers. Everyone. But I just couldn't bring myself to care.

My Meredith was in my arms and I loved her.

Nothing else mattered.

Nothing else would ever matter again.

_So she dances_

_In and out of the crowd like a glance_

_This romance is_

_From afar calling me silently_

The song came to a close, but I didn't want to move from my spot, from the only place I had truly belonged. I wondered how I had lived without her for this long, how I had managed to fool myself for this long, to think that any one else but her was even an option as a person that I could be with, She was it for me, I was done. Nothing had ever felt right before, something had been missing, now I knew what it was.

"Derek..." she said, pulling back gently, looking into my eyes. "People are watching us," she whispered gently, a little of her usual panic in her voice.

"I know," I said, my voice coming out choked.

"We can't do this, not here," Meredith said again.

"I know," I said again, smiling at her.

"There's things, things you need to know. Things I need to say," she said, still holding on to me.

"I know," I told her, pulling her back close to whisper in her ear. "There's things I need to say too."

"Oh," she simply said, apparently at a loss of words. She looked at me then, with a hope in her eyes that I had never seen before. She looked like she hoped that I was about to say the things I desperately needed to say. In that second I realized my suspicions had been right, I wasn't alone in this, I had never been alone in this.

"But I have something to take care of first," I told her, nodding slightly, encouragingly. "I'll stop by your place later tonight."

"And then we can talk?" she asked.

"And then we can talk," I said.

Finally relunctantly I pulled out of her arms. Catching the eyes of her friends, all glued to us, I fought the urge of pulling her back to me again, pressing my lips against hers and kissing her. It was what I wanted to do, god it was what I needed to do. But right now, right now it wasn't an option.

Things had to change before I kissed her again.

So I settled for a kiss on the cheek. "Meredith...I...I..." I stumbled over her words, wanting to tell her what I realized, what I needed so badly to say, but knowing that I coudn't. Not until I was free to offer her something more.

She nodded, smiling beautifully. "I know, I do too."

_I can't keep on watching forever_

_And I'm givin' up this view just to tell her_

**See? Now that was some great Meredith and Derek, lol. Derek realized he's madly in love with Meredith and only wants Meredith. He realized everything, while they danced. Yep. Kind of sort of perfect. And it leaves me with very little to say about this. It speaks for itself and anything I said would give hints of what's to come. So that's all. No rambling.**

**Another update should be up later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	33. 9 Crimes Part 3

**Disclaimer: In the last 7 episodes Burktina has had twice the amount of screen time than Mer and Der have had. If I owned Grey's Anatomy that would definitely not be happening.**

**Thank you for all the great reviews of my last chapter...it was one of my favourites of all my fanfics so I'm really happy to hear other people liked it as well. So thanks...and umm, don't hate me for this one. Really honestly don't hate me...just remember this is a GA fanfic, and I try to keep it like the show, which basically means nothing is ever easy for Mer and Der. So complications had to come, Derek can't just ask Addie for a divorce and be happy with Mer. Nope. **

**Enjoy...or at least don't kill me.**

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I had to find Addison. I had to find my wife and tell her that this was over, that this whole mess was over.

I loved Meredith.

Right now that's all the mattered, from now on that's all that could matter. I was head over heals in love with Meredith. I had wasted so much time denying it, and ignoring it. That just wasn't an option anymore. I don't know what was different about to night, what had made everything so clear but something in my head had finally clicked. Since that night in the bar, Meredith had become my life. And I was just now coming to face it. I don't know what had taken so long.

And now I needed to find the woman I thought had been the one to tell her it was over.

Meredith had rejoined her friends, who were questioning her, probably about us. I would have loved to go rescue her but now wasn't the time. Before I could really rescue Meredith I needed to be free. And to be free I needed to talk to Addison. Who had apparently dissapeared from the dance floor.

I headed to the foyer, hoping she was out there, hoping she had seen Meredith and I and had ran out to get some air. Her seeing Meredith and I would have hurt her, but hell it would make things easier.

She wasn't in the foyer.

Outside, she must have gone outside.

As soon as I got outside I saw some movement coming from inside my car. She was in the car. She had to be in the car. Probably crying, I had never meant to make her cry. Things had been less than perfect between us since long before we had moved from Seattle, they had been bad since that night we had fought about children. I had thought about ending it plenty of times, but never like this.

The windows were steamed up.

And she wasn't alone.

My heart stopped in my chest. I also had never expected it to end quite like this. My wife sleeping with another man. My wife fucking another man. After months of keeping my hands to myself, months of pulling away from Meredith when I wanted to lease, this is how karma repaid me. We had said vows, and even if I was about to end it all, she had ended it first. She had broken our vows first. Our fucking vows, the ones we made in front of hundreds, in front of God. And she ended it with slutty sex in my fucking car.

I loved Meredith and I did nothing.

Addie couldn't love whoever she was with, not the way I loved Meredith.

I yanked the car door open, they hadn't even bothered to lock it, to find my wife straddling Alex Karev, her skirt up around her waist, her face covered with make up stains. She had clearly been crying.

"You fucking whore," I heard myself say, the thoughts not even processing in my brain. My wife was screwing an intern, my wife was screwing one of Meredith's friends. I stood there, the Seattle rain soaking my tux, soaking my hair and stared at the woman that I had once thought was my forever. It didn't matter that it had been over, it didn't matter that Meredith was my forever now. It mattered that my wife was screwing an intern. "You fucking whore."

"Derek..." she started to beg, scrambling to get off Karev.

My hands closed around her arm, my body not even aware of what it was doing. "Get out, get out of my car now!"

"Derek, please!" Addison begged, stumbling as her feet his the ground. I was vaguely aware of Karev sitting in my driver's seat pulling his pants back up. "I'm sorry."

"You sleep with an intern and all you can say is that you're sorry?" I asked her, disgust changing my voice.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, tears running down her face. "It was a one time thing. I know it's what people say, but it was a one time thing. He was here and...I'm sorry."

"He was just here? That's your defence?" I yelled.

"Derek...Derek...please," Addison said, sounding more desperate than I had ever heard her before. "We can't...you can't...we can't quit. We're Addison and Derek."

I breathed in and out a few times, remember the sight of Addison on top of another man, fucking another man. And remembering holding Meredith in my arms, the love and tenderness I had felt. She would never do this to me. She could never do this to me. "We're not Derek and Addison anymore," I finally tell her.

"Please Derek, it was one time..." Addison said, falling down onto her knees.

"No it wasn't," a calm male voice said from beside me. I caught Addison's eyes flash with fear and turned to look at the intern standing beside me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him.

"It wasn't one time. This isn't the first time, not by a long shot. This has been happening since almost the second you got here," Alex said, with a calm shrug, admitting to everything.

Addison had lied to me. I had caught her in the throes with another man and she had still lied to me. "Addison?" I asked her, but she just hid her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with sobs. I turned my back to her again, looking at the intern.

He shrugged. Again. "I found her in the bar one night, she couldn't find you, and shit happened. And then...well..."

"You were sleeping with her!' Addison suddenly yelled from her spot on the wet ground.

"What? Who?" I asked, honestly confused at her accusation. I couldn't remember the last time I had slept with anyone.

"That intern. That one you pretended to be friends with, you're fucking her," Addison said, laughter overshadowing her tears. For a second I felt bad, bad that I had driven my wife into another man's arms with the belief that something was happening that never had. But I had wanted it to happen, god I had wanted to be fucking Meredith, and that seemed like enough. "I'm surprised she didn't tell you about us."

"Mer...Meredith...Mer..." I breathed out, finding that I was having trouble breathing. Talking. "She knew?"

"She walked in on us a couple of days ago," Alex said, casually yet again.

The world spun around me, my head swam. Meredith knew. My Meredith knew. And she hadn't told me. She hadn't bothered to tell me that my wife was cheating on me. She had known this big huge thing and she hadn't bothered to tell me. My best friend, the person I depended on for everything, the woman I loved, and she hadn't told me. If...if Ryan had cheated on her, I would have told her. She had a right to know. I had right to know. But she hadn't told me. A voice in my head yelled something about her thing she wanted to talk about, about her walking in on something, but the roaring in my head was too loud to really pay attention. She hadn't told me.

"Keep the car," I said, my voice coming out small and strangled.

Addison cheating didn't hurt anymore.

Meredith not telling me killed. My Meredith. My Meredith hadn't told me.

I thought I was her best friend. I thought she felt this. I thought she loved me. Obviously I thought wrong.

I stumbled down the street, not sure where I was going. I could hear Addison calling out behind me but didn't bother to turn around and look. My hair was plasterd to my head, and for once I didn't care. I didn't care that my tux was destroyed, that I was soaked. I just didn't care. I didn't care where I was going. I had to get away from her, away from Addison and Alex. And Meredith. I needed to think, I needed to breathe.

And for the first time since I had met her, I didn't need Meredith.

_Give my gun away when it's loaded, is that alright with you?_

**So umm...Derek's a little...mad. Yes let's go with mad. He was hurting that he found Addie with Alex...because as muh as he knew it was over you don't want to find your wife with another man. You just don't. Especially when you're in love with someone else but have been working so hard not to do anything wrong. So he was hurting. And then he found out Meredith knew...and she didn' tell him. He feels a whole bunch of betrayal. And don't hate me...I hated hurting Derek I did. But ummm...at least in my story he has a plot line, unlike a certain tv show we all know and love.**

**Might have another update up later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	34. Dreaming with a Broken Heart

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy Patrick Dempsey would have so much screen time that it would leave him begging for mercy. He's be on all the time. Even if he didn't always have lines...he'd be there.**

**So this update...it's not going to make you any happier with me or with Derek. And besides that I have nothing really to say about it. Follows the last update and it's still from Der's perspective.**

**Enjoy!**

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I hadn't intended to end up here. I had left the hospital and walked along, soaking wet in the Seattle rain, with no clear idea of where I was going. I just knew I had to get away from there. So I walked. I didn't even know how long I walked, how far I walked. And finally I ended up here, standing in front of the house that had been my second home since I first came to Seattle. I didn't even think I wanted to be here.

I didn't ring the doorbell, I just stood at the door.

Meredith suddenly walked by. She was out of her dress now. She was wearing scrub pants, I think they were mine. And a tshirt. And looked heartbreakingly beautiful.

She caught me out of the corner of her eye.

"Derek? What's wrong? You're soaked," she exclaimed as she threw the door open, obviously expecting me to step inside.

I didn't'.

"You didn't tell me," I said, my voice sounding cold. I hadn't come here to yell at her, I hadn't meant to come here at all. But now that I was, there were things I needed to say. "You knew and you didn't tell me."

"Derek, I..." she protested, not even pretending to not know what I was talking about.

"No, Meredith. You were my best friend, and you knew. You should have told me. How could you not tell me?" I demanded.

Tears pooled in her eyes and her bottom lip quivered slightly. I fought off the urge to pull her into my arms and take everything back. To stop yelling and just to hold her. But then I remembered the steamy windows of my car, how much it hurt to find out my wife cheated on me, how much more it hurt when I found out Meredith knew. She should have told me.

"I tried..." she whispered. "She's your wife."

I walked inside now, not because I wanted to be in her house but because I needed to pace and her porch was too damn small. "And you were my best friend," I said laughing slightly.

"Derek..." she started.

But I cut her off again. I wasn't ready to hear her talk, to hear whatever excuse she came up with. No excuse was good enough. Meredith was my best friend. Hell she was more than that. I whipped around and looked at her, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks and the shaking shoulders. "Meredith, when I met you, I was done. I thought I had met the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Timing was shit. But there you were. And I was done, Meredith. I've never been done before, not like this. You were it."

Her mouth dropped open slightly. "I...I..." she said, a look of panic in her eyes.

I ran my hands through my hair, her sobs racking my body as well as hers. I didn't like hurting her, she was my Meredith. But she didn't tell me. Even as her tears hurt me, she didn't tell me. She should have told me. "I love you, Mer."

Her hand captured mine, the one that wasn't tangeled in my hair and stopped me where I was, stopped me from pacing around her. She met my eyes, hers will filled with tears and I was surprised to feel the wetness on my own cheeks. "Derek, you have to listen to me," she whispered urgently.

"I can't, not right now," I told her, turning around but not releasing her hand. "I...I...I can still see them. And you didn't tell me. How...how..." I sputtered off.

"Derek..." she pleaded with me again.

"I have to go, I can't be here, I have to go," I said, starting to pull my hand away.

But she held on strongly. "Derek, you're soaked. I have some of your clothes, and a couch. You can have the couch tonight. We can...you can listen...we can talk in the morning," she said, desperation in my eyes.

"I can't. Not tonight, not anymore," I said, turning around to head out the door.

A strangled sound from Meredith stopped me. I loved her. Even though she didn't tell me, even though she couldn't be mine anymore, I loved her. Without thinking I turned around and pulled her close to me. I pressed my lips to hers, with a bruising force. I didn't want to yell, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to kiss her and then go away. Somewhere where the woman I loved couldn't betray me. Hell, I wish I didn't love her, hell I wish walking away was easier. I had to remember she didn't tell me, when I needed to hear something the most, she didn't tell me.

She couldn't be mine anymore.

I pulled away. "This thing between us, it's over," I said, turning around and walking out the door, leaving her in a crumpled heap of tears on the floor.

I hated breaking her.

And I had thought I was broken when I had caught Addison, when they told me Meredith had known. But that was nothing.

Walking away from Meredith, walking back into the rain, that broke me.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part._

**Okay...please don't hate Derek. Remember the man is hurting...in a span of minutes he found out his wife was cheating on him and that his best friend was keeping it secret. He's hurting. And when Derek is hurting he gets moody and takes everything out on everyone else. So he's not trying to be an ass...it's just coming out that way. He's lashing out and as far as he's concerned Meredith hurt him. Because she tried telling him and he just is too caught up in his own pain to remember. He is human. And less than perfect.**

**Might update again later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	35. Mistake

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's I would know where Patrick Dempsey lives and I wouldn't be here writing an update ... because I'd be helping with the twins. Get your minds out of the gutter people.**

**So this is my surprise chapter. Just because something happens in it that no one sees coming. Someone comes to visit. Because you have to remember, in this AU world, Addison never slept with Mark, so there is no reason for Derek and Mark not to be the best friends they've always been. So someone comes to visit...when his friend needs it the most. **

**Enjoy!**

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The taxi pulled up the dark trailer. I hadn't know where to go after I left Meredith's and walked in the rain a bit longer, regretting not taking her couch but knowing that that couch wasn't mine to take. She had taken it away from me. So I walked. Until my legs became tired, and I figured it was about time to go home. Where Addison hopefully wasn't. The darkness reassured me.

"You look like shit, man," a voice came out of the darkness on my porch.

I knew that voice. That voice brought me back to nights spent drinking instead of studying. It brought me back to days working in the same office. Hell, it brought me back to days spent playing baseball in the dark. It brought some light on the worst day ever. "Mark Sloan!" I said, noticing the figure in the dark.

"I didn't know swimming in tuxedoes was a pass time here in Seattle," Mark said gesturing to my soaking wet tux.

"It's not," I said flatly, unlocking the door to my trailier, gesturing for Mark to follow me inside.

"So, Shep, what the hell kind of mess did you get yourself into this time?" Mark said, laughing gently at me as I pulled two beers out of the fridge.

"I don't even know where to start," I said, sighing and sitting down.

"Well I did notice that you're lacking your lovely wife," Mark said, his eyes all of a sudden noticing my bare hand. I had thrown my wedding ring on the ground somewhere between the hospital and Meredith's. "And a wedding ring."

"Addison and I are getting a divorce. She was screwing an intern," I told him, starting down at my beer, wishing it was something stronger. I should have stolen something from Mer's house, she owed me that much.

"Man, that's tough. Never took Addison to be the slutty type," he said.

"They were in my car. In the front seat of my car," I said, hating the disgust I heard in my own voice.

"Ouch," Mark said, winicing. "So that's what led to swimming in a tux?"

"No that would be Meredith," I said, taking a gulp of my drink. Her name hurt, it hurt to say her name. Because up until only hours before she had been my everything, my absolute everything. And I hadn't even realized it. And then I did. And before I had time to do anything, to even really enjoy it, it was all taken away from me.

"I don't know Meredith. Is she hot?" he asked.

"She's gorgeous. And up until earlier tonight she was my best friend. I thought I was in love with her," I whispered. Thinking about her hurt. The image of Addison and Karev in my car had been all but dismissed from my mind. Now I just kept pictuing Meredith crumbled in a ball, crying, as I walked away.

"What the hell happened?" Mark asked, watching me as I started shrugging out of the wet clothes.

"She knew, she knew Addison was cheating on me and she didn't tell me. She's been my best friend since the second I arrived in Seattle. She's part of the reason I stayed in Seattle. And she didn't tell me."

"That sucks, man," Mark said, shaking his head.

"Tell me about it," I said, pulling a dry shirt over my head.

"Why didn't she tell you?" Mark asked, as if it was the most logical question in the world.

Why hadn't she told me? If she had told me we would have had our chance, I could have divorced Addison and we would have had our chance. And every fiber of my being told me that she wanted that chance just as much as I did. And yet she hadn't told me. I was her best friend, we kept no secrets from each other. There was no reason she had not to tell me. She would have known the pain this would cause, she had to know. And yet she didn't tell me. The conversation from much earlier that day in the hall flashed through my mind. She had something to tell me. Could it...no, she should have told me sooner, quicker. She still hadn't told me. "I never asked," I finally said.

"You, Derek, Shepherd, are an ass," he said.

"What? What are you talking about?" I asked him, incredulous.

"I know you, Shep. You yelled at her, you chewed her out. And you didn't bother asking why she hadn't said anything about it. Derek, you're the king of assumption land," Mark said.

"I...I..." I sputtered, knowing what he said was true. "She didn't say a word, Mark. She should have told me."

"You should have given her the chance," Mark said.

I should have, but anger had blinded me. And it was too late now. "Me and her, we're over. It's done," I said sighing.

"You're an idiot, Derek," Mark said, looking at me with disgust. "And what the hell were you thinking finding another best friend? Am I not enough for you anymore?"

"Meredith and I...she was...it was different," I said quietly, smiling to myself, watching Hemingway sniff my wet clothing. For the first time all night a happy image ran through my head, of the look Meredith had the first time Hemingway had jumped on her lap and licked her cheek. She had been adorably disgusted.

Mark studied my face carefully. "You really love her, don't you?"

I nodded my head, not meeting his eyes as a tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't bother wiping it away. Mark had seen me cry before. And the fact I loved her, it was the hardest part. Because she hurt me, she betrayed me. I was angry and mad and had every reason to hate her. But I loved her, I couldn't stop loving her.

"You might want to tell her that. And listen to what she has to say," Mark told me. I wondered exactly why he thought he was the expert in relationships, considering I couldn't remember the last time he had been in one. But I didn't bother complaining. It was too nice having someone to talk to since Meredith was...now even more complicated. So I just nodded, letting more tears roll down my cheeks. "Of course it's always much easier to be a love em and leave em kind of guy," Mark said. Now that was a subject he knew well.

I laughed, for the first time all night, I laughed.

Thank god for idiotic best friends.

"So exactly what the hell are you doing in Seattle?" I asked him, switching the topic, as I brushed tears off my face.

"Checking on my idiotic best friend and apparently I got here just in time," Mark said, grabbing another two beers from the fridge. "Apparently without me around you just fuck things up."

_How long till you wake, it's all a mistake._

**So Mark's there. Why? No specific reason really, just mainly because he missed Derek and wanted to check up on him. And yes...he's a sane voice of reason. Which might be a bit of a stretch but he is Derek's best friend so he's trying. He has to try. But he's still a man whore, don't worry. I wouldn't de-man whore him. He's just a really good friend who will help in the long run.**

**Anyway another update will be up...eventually.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	36. You Are Not Alone

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy Meredith would not be in the ocean.**

**So this update isn't exactly what you want, but I'm still in love with it. And I think it's imporant. Because I love Georgie and there hasn't been enough of him in this fic, so I felt the need to throw him in. And right now someone needed to be there for her. So it's Georgie.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Meredith! Meredith!" a voice came from somewhere in the distance. It wasn't Derek's voice. I didn't know I had been sitting, I had no idea how long it has been since Derek had told me it was over and had walked away from me. It felt like it had been hours. My bottom was sore now from sitting in the one place for so long, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I didn't ever want to move again. And now there was that annoying voice coming from the distance. "Meredith! Meredith!"

I finally looked up to see George standing over me, his face stretched with concern. I quickly rubbed the tears away from my face, knowing it was useless, knowing my eyes were rimmed with red.

"Mer what's wrong?" George asked, crouching down to my level.

"Derek's an ass," I said in a shakey voice.

"What? What did Derek do?" George asked, looking around the room as if he expected Derek to pop up any second.

"He's an ass. He's an ass who doesn't listen to me. He's a complete ass," I said, starting to feel a little anger at the situation. Derek was an ass. He didn't even listen to me, he didn't even ask, he just yelled. And walked away. Even if he was hurting, he was an ass.

"Meredith..." George said gently.

"I tried to tell him. I wanted to tell him. But it's not as easy as he thinks, how the hell do you even start that conversation? How do you break someone like that, George? It's not...you just can't say it," I said, running my hands through my now dishevelked hair. Great, I was picking up his mannerisms.

"Meredith, what are you talking about?" George asked, rubbing a hand on my back.

"This is not my fault. This is his pager's fault. If his stupid pager hadn't gone off I could have told him. But no, his stupid pager. This is all the pagers fault. He should have yelled at the pager, not at me. I was not the one that needed yelling at," I ranted. Somehow talking about the whole Derek being an idiot incident reminded me to be angry at him. Him and his assumptions, jumping from one place to another, not even bothering to listen to me.

"Meredith..." George said, sounding slightly worried about me.

"But he just stands there. Yelling as if it's my fault this happened. Standing there as if I was the one to blame for all this. I didn't sleep with an intern, I didn't cheat on him," I said.

"What? What? One second...who cheated? Cheated? Meredith what are you talking about?" George asked.

I looked at him. "McWife has been cheating on Derek with Evil Spawn. And he found out tonight. Somehow he also found out I knew. So he's less than thrilled that I didn't say anything. Actually he's not talking to me. Actually we're over," I said. The words brought back that image, him closing the door on me and walking away. Derek walking away from me. The tears started falling again.

"You and Der...you can't be over...there was nothing...you and Derek?" George asked sounding flustered.

"There was something. We never, we haven't. But there was something. And now it's over," I said, feeling tears fill my eyes. But I refused to cry. Derek was an ass, and I was not going to cry about that. I had spent too long crying about it already.There were no more tears.

"He was hurting, Mer," George said, slipping down to sit beside me.

"And now I'm hurting," I said pouting down at my hands.

"He was hurting Mer," George said again. "When guys are...when guys are hurting, they don't think. They don't think rationally. He..he doesn't blame you. He was...he is hurting. He...just give him time. Give him time to stop hurting."

"Time?" I asked George, sniffling slightly.

"A few days, Mer. Just you know, give him time to think. He'll, he'll come back. And listen," George said nodding encouragingly.

"You think?" I asked, not wantinng to sound to hopeful.

"He's a McBastard if he doesn't," George said grinning broadly at me.

His boyish grin made me smile slightly, erased the painful conversation from my head. "So what are you doing getting home so late?"

He nudged me gently, the smile stretching even further. "Callie and I went for drinks after the banquet."

"Callie?" I asked, slightly recognizing the name.

"Dr...Dr. Torres. She umm...ortho resident...she asked me out for a drink," George said.

I smiled, temporarily forgetting about my own headaches, about my own Derek problems. George had had a date. This was good. Something good had come from the evening. George needed a date, he needed a woman in his life besides us. He needed this.

Like I needed Derek.

"I'm happy for you," I told him.

"Thanks," he replied.

We sat in silence for a few minutes both lost in our own thoughts. George had to be right. Derek had to come back, I was his best friend. I was his...he loved me. The words that he had said earlier finally really sinking in. Derek loved me. Me. Me, messy, confused, flawed Meredith. Derek loved me. I wasn't alone in this love thing, I wasn't alone in this mess. Right now Derek was hurting but he would come back. He had to come back. People who loved you had to come back. Tears were running down my face again and I felt George wrap his arm around my back.

"I'm glad I have you, George," I said.

"Glad to be had," he said nodding. "And Derek...he'll come back. He will come back. He'll show up."

_Nothin' in the world could keep me from lyin' next to you._

**So George gave Meredith something resembling a little hope. Because George is a guy and he gets what Derek is feeling slightly, that he's hurting and lashing out. So George offered Meredith some comfort and he was there when she needed someone. And George had gone out for drinks with Callie because I like Callie, and I like them together, and I felt he needed to tell Meredith because she needed to hear something good.**

**I'll update at some later time.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	37. It's Beginning to Get to Me

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, that thing that happened, it wouldn't have happened. **

**Sorry this took some time to get up. Life's been busy, plus dealing with the heartache that is Grey's Anatomy. But here's the update and I'm really proud of it. I like the emotion behind it and stuff. It's from Derek's perspective and I think it gives you more of an idea of what's going on in his head. Because there's a lot going on...as usual.**

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I stared down at the chart in my hands, not even seeing the name and the information that was on it. It just blurred in my eyes as I thought of the sight of Meredith curled up in a ball on the floor. I hated hurting her, god I hated it. But...but she should have told me. That's what it came down to, she should have told me. She was my best friend and she hadn't told me. Yelling at her, it was maybe not the best option, but she did deserve it. Or at least she earned it. Except for...maybe Mark was right, maybe I should have listened to her. Asked her why she hadn't told me.

But there couldn't be an excuse, there couldn't be an excuse for betraying me like that.

There couldnt be an excuse because if there was I was an ass, and I didn't like that option very much.

Suddenly I felt Meredith behind me. I didn't have to look to know it was her, the familiar feel of her was enough. "Yes?" I asked quietly, still not meeting her gaze.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted me in a calm and steady voice. I knew that voice. It her not really fine but pretending to be fine voice. I hated that voice. "I'm your intern for today."

"Seriously?" I asked turning towards her now, not being able to hide the dismay on my face.

"Seriously," she said grimacing slightly.

"Oh," I said, handing Meredith the chart, being careful not to touch her. If I touched her there was every chance that I would fall apart. I couldn't fall apart, not in front of Meredith, not anymore.

"Can we just...you know...get this over with?" she asked me.

I nodded my head briskly and headed down the hall, knowing that she would follow me. This hurt. Her following me hurt. She was my best friend, she had been my everything and now she was following me down the hall. She never followed me, she walked beside me. From the second I had started working here, every time she was my intern, and sometimes when she wasn't, she always walked beside me. This walking behind me wasn't how we worked. I couldn't work this way. I slowed my pace down, forcing her to catch up, forcing her to walk beside me.

Our eyes met briefly.

Everything was in her eyes. I could tell she wanted to say something, to clear the air between us, to make all this awful awkwardness to stop. I could tell she was terrified that I'd reject her again, that I'd push her away. And there was the pain, the pain I had caused her last night. I couldn't look at her eyes. Because if she tried, if she tried to talk, I'd listen. Today I would listen and I wasn't ready for that.

"Derek..." Meredith said gently, as I tore my eyes away from hers.

I was surprised to feel tears prickle my eyes. I could not fall apart, not her, not with Meredith. "No," I said quickly, harshly, shaking my head quickly. "Just, not right now. No."

"Okay," she nodded slowly as we stepped onto the elevator.

We should have taken the stairs. The stairs were not a closed space, anyone could come onto the stairs at any second. The stairs were public, I liked the stairs. Elevators not so much. Because on an elevator, we were now alone, with no chance of anyone interrupting us. We were in private. And we were in a place that brought back too many fond memories of the first time we had actually talked, the first time that we had kissed. Since for us it was all at once. It had always been all at once. We were alone again, and it was all at once again, we were both falling apart all at once.

But I couldn't be alone with her right now.

Because if she felll apart when we were alone, when there was no escape, I'd have to catch her. I'd want to catch her.

And I was really trying hard to hate her.

She knew, she knew about Addison and Karev and she hadn't bothered to tell me. Meredith had known this huge, life altering information and she hadn't bothered to tell me. I couldn't ignore that, I couldn't not hate her after that. I had to hate her, she betrayed me. She hurt me.

I couldn't forgive that.

If I forgave that I'd have to start thinking of the other woman that betrayed me, my wife. The one who did have sex on the front seat of my car with a man that wasn't me. It had been over between us, I had been in love with another woman, but it hurt. God, it hurt. If I faced that I'd fall face first into Meredith's arms and never want to move. And that just wasn't an option, it just couldn't be an option.

I didn't quite know why, but every stubborn part of my head told me it wasn't.

Because she had betrayed me.

A tiny voice in my head muttered something about listening to her, giving her a chance to explain as she so obviously wanted to, to let her in because her comforting me might not be too bad. And that than we could have some really amazing sex in this elevator. It was then I realized the voice sounded an awful lot like Mark and told it to shut up. The day I let Mark Sloan tell me what to do, well that day was not going to come. Ever.

So we stood in the elevator, both facing forwards and staring at the numbers as they flashed by. If someone didn't know us they could have stepped on and thought that we didn't even know each other. Of course the person probably would have noticed the tension between us. I could feel her body vibrating with it even though she stood a foot away.

I hated this. This was not us. This was not Meredith and Derek. We yelled, we fought, but we were never silent.

The elevator slowed as it reached it's stop.

"Derek," I was surprised to hear her voice and looked down from the ceiling to find her standing in front of me, fire in her eyes. "You are being an ass. A complete incomrehensible ass. If you bothered, if you...you're an ass. And right now, I could hate you, god I could hate you. But...but...when you're ready to talk, when you're ready to listen to me, I'm waiting," she huffed, turning around and leaving me standing alone, in slight shock from the speech.

Okay, that was my Meredith.

_It's not there now, ineloquence and anger are all we have._

**So that's what's going on in Derek's head. He's just not letting Meredith in, because if he does, everything that happened will have to be faced. And that's a whole bunch of stuff he isn't ready to face. So he's holding onto his anger at Meredith. And she's there, she's pissed but she's there. Waiting for when he's ready to listen, even though she's mad. So yeah...that's it.**

**Will update tomorrow hopefully. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	38. Heaven Forbid

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's. If I owned Grey's my shopping spree yesterday would have been hell of a lot longer than it actually was.**

**Sorry I dissapeared...my boyfriend, or I guess ex, broke up so I've been going through stuff. But this will be back to being updated regularily so never fear. Things are better and I'm pouring all my energy into writing. Which is good, really good. So yeah...don't worry about me. I'm fine and not in the Meredith fine way, I'm really actually fine.**

**So enjoy!**

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Tequilla. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of this last night. Tequilla. I didn't need George comforting me in the foyer. I didn't need Izzie offering to bake something for me. And I didn't need Cristina's rather cynical looks. And I definitely didn't need...the last thing I'd ever need was Derek. Nope. All I needed was tequilla. After a day of working with Derek I definitely needed tequilla.

He was an ass.

I don't know how I had gone so many months of being friends with him only to discover this one important detail now. Derek Michael Shepherd was an ass.

The bell over the door tinkled far too loudy. I wasn't even quite sure why Joe felt the need for a bell, it felt too cliche. I had to talk to Joe about this.

I looked up to see who had entered the already crowded bar to find my former best friend, now pain of my existence standing beside a chiseled good looking man I had definitely never seen before. Derek's eyes met mine briefly and flashed with annoyance and something else. But it was too fast to figure out. With a disgusted look he turned and walked out of the bar. The other man, the chiseled one, looked at Derek's retreating back in confussion and then turned to look at me, realization on his face.

And then instead of following Derek, like a sane and logical friend, he started walking towards me.

Of course anyone who was still friends with McShithead couldn't be counted upon to be either sane or logical.

"Tequilla," he said looking down at the shot in front of me, "you're going to regret that in the morning."

"I'm going to regret a lot of things in the morning," I told him.

"So you must be Meredith," he said, moving to sit down on the stool beside me. This man was the polar opposite of Derek, I had talked to him for a matter of seconds and I could already tell he was the total opposite of Derek.

"I must be," I told him, gulping back the shot. "And you are?"

"Mark," he said matter of factly. I met him with a blank stare. "Derek never mentioned me?" he asked, a joking hurt in his eyes.

"Nope," I said shaking my head.

"Wow. Talk about a shitty friend," Mark said and then turned to Joe to order a single malt scotch. Derek's drink. I didn't need this man that was so opposite of Derek and so much like him all at once. I didn't need this tonight.

"Oh in that case you can join the club," I said brightening slightly.

"There's a club?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. If I wasn't in love with Derek I would definitely contemplate taking this man home. Not that I was in love with Derek, not anymore. Derek was an ass. Derek was McShithead.

"Yep. The Derek Shepherd is a Shitty friend Club," I nodded. It was a wonder the things my brain came up with when a little tequilla was mixed in.

"I think you're more friendly with him than I've ever been," he said with a teasing grin. He was man candy, he was definitely man candy. I needed Cristina and Izzie, this man needed a McNickname. "I mean, I've never made out with him on an elevator."

"He told you that?" I exclaimed. I didn't even know this man, I didn't even know how Derek knew this man. And he knew that. That. That stupid kiss in that stupid elevator.

"Last night he told me all the long sordid details," Mark said nodding.

"Exactly who are you?" I asked him.

"Dr. Mark Sloan. I was apparently the best friend before you, not that I had even known I had been replaced," he said frowning slightly.

"You can have him back," I laughed bitterly.

"I don't want him back. You broke him," he told me, sounding slightly bitter.

"I...I...I didn't mean to..." I mummbled, blinking back a fresh wave of tears. I couldn't cry, not here. Not that Joe would mind, but I couldn't cry.

Suddenly an arm slung itself around my back, pulling himself closer to me. Mark was definitely stronger than Derek. Maybe taking him home would be a good idea, teach Derek to yell at me, to not listen to me. But even as the thought crossed my mind I knew I could never actually do to Derek. I could never hurt him like that. "I've known Derek my whole life," Mark told me.

"I'm sorry for you," I told him joking softly through my tears.

"And he's an ass. He's a wonderful amazing guy and I don't quite know why he still puts up with my shit, but he's an ass. Because when he's hurting he goes into hos own head. Instead of listening to reason, or to anyone else, he goes into his own head where he seems to think he figures things out. But he doesn't. It just gets all messed up. And he becomes an ass," Mark explained.

"So he's in his own head?" I said, looking up at Mark for reassurance.

"And it's a mess in there. I don't even think he could figure it out," Mark said with a laugh.

"There's nothing I can do?" I asked hoping that this man who had known Derek forever would have a quick fix to dismiss McShithead and get McDreamy back. Even though I still wasn't sure that I wanted McDreamy back. Which was a flat out lie.

"Derek Shepherd has the thickest skull in the history of the world and he won't listen to anything until he's ready," Mark said. My face fell as any hope that Mark offered whooshed out of my body. "But he'll come around eventually," he added apparently noticing the loss of hope.

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"He loves you," Mark said matter of factly. "I've never seen him like this before. And it's rather disgusting. In high school we were the guys every girl wanted and none ever had. And now he's so madly in love that it's beyond pathetic."

"But...but he's married," I sputtered.

"Was married, they're getting divorced. And him and Addison...they were never like this," Mark volunteered. "He loves you."

Derek loved me. According to Derek's best friend who had apparently grown up with him, Derek loved me. And Mark would know, if anyone would know it would be Mark. Wouldn't it? He spent last night hearng the sob story that Derek and I had become. So he would know. And they were getting divorced, Derek was getting divorced. The man I loved was getting divorced and he apparently loved me back. Of course at the moment he wasn't talking to me, and I was trying my best to remind myself why I should hate him. But still, facts were facts.

"I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't come around," I said, surprised at the level of despair in my own voice.

"He will," Mark said, settling down further into his chair.

"Shouldn't you be going to find him?" I asked looking towards the door that Derek had exited.

"Who? Derek? Nah...he's pacing and messing up his hair right now, he doesn't need me for that," Mark said. "Besides I want to get to know the woman that made Derek's world stop."

"What? Why?" I asked, choosing to ignore the way his words about me making Derek's world stop and how they made me feel.

"So I can figure out how badly I have to kick Derek's ass if he messes this up," he said, laughing and ordering us both a beer.

_Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright._

**So Mark came to the rescue. Because he knows Derek, he really knows Derek. So he can offer Meredith reassurance that no one else can, he knows what Derek is doing and he knows how Derek feels about Meredith. So yeah...Mark to the rescue. And they formed a club, because they can't be dirty mistresses, neither of them are...but they still bond immediately. And Meredith notices how hot Mark is but won't do anything about it because she loves Derek and only Derek.**

**I will update again later tonight probably.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	39. Hello, I Need You

_You know I'm trying to take a step into my future._

"Do you have any idea what this meeting is about?" I whispered to Cristina as we entered the room that was already filling with other interns, residents and attendings. The room was an ocean of blue.

"None, but I'd rather be cutting," Cristina answered giving the room in general a dirty look.

"I'd rather not be in the same room as Derek," I whispered looking over at where he leaned against a wall casually chatting with Bailey, as if his world wasn't falling apart. Of course he had Mark in town and had probably all but forgotten about me. He had no reason to not look casual. And what was with the leaning? Someone must have told him at some point that he looked good leaning, which was absurd. Leaning didn't make people look good, least of all Derek. He looked...stupid. And lazy. And not dreamy.

His eyes suddenly caught mine and I pulled mine away. Stupid Derek. I had to stop looking at him, I definitely had to stop looking at him. And stopping thinking about him would probably be a good idea too.

"Good afternoon everyone," Chief Webber said walking into the room. "Sorry to interrupt your days but I have an announcement to make," he said looking around at the room as it fell into silence. "I've decided that I'm retiring."

My head snapped up but not to look at Dr. Webber but to look at my former best friend now pain of my existence as I saw hope flood his eyes. I wasn't happy with him right now, but I couldn't help but feel his hope. We had spent nights together talking about his dreams of being chief, I knew how much this means to him. And right now he might be an ass, but he deserved this. Derek had to be chief.

"I just thought I'd let everyone know, I've given Dr. Preston Burke's name to the board for consideration," he finished, placing a supportive hand on Dr. Burke's shoulder as everyone started clapping.

Everyone but Derek, my Derek.

He pushed himself out of his chair and barrelled out of the room, not looking at anyone, not even me, just leaving.

Derek was an ass that had yelled at me for no good reason and never bothered to get the full story for me. Derek was an ass.

Who also happened to be my best friend.

Without another thought I was out of my chair, chasing his retreating back down the hall.

_And though I want to hold your hand_

I knew she was trailing behind me. I heard her shoes pounding the ground of the hallway behind me and she was Meredith. I never had to turn around to know when she was there. I just knew.

I knew she would follow me. Right now Meredith and I were a mess, we had always been a mess but now, things had gotten...messier. Right now we weren't Meredith and Derek, we couldn't be Meredith and Derek. And there was a chance we never would be again. But when I had left that room, after not being chosen for what I wanted most, what Meredith knew I wanted most, I knew she would follow me. Because that's what Meredith did. She followed me when I needed her the most.

Preston Burke was going to be Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace hospital.

That was supposed to be me.

Somehow in the last week my whole entire world had turned around.

I remembered that damn banquet, that night I had been on top of the world. I knew everything. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted. I loved the girl that was now chasing me down the hallway and that's who I wanted to be with. It was done for Addison and I. And in the future, by the time I had married Meredith and started a whole baseball team of children, I would be named chief. Less than a week ago I had my life planned out.

Than my whore of a soon-to-be ex-wife had decided to get busy with an intern in the front seat of my car and now I couldn't even turn to Meredith for comfort when I needed her most.

I didn't know how I got from there to here, but I'd give anything to go back.

Finally, gratefully, I reached the on call room that I had been running towards. I needed to be alone, I needed to fall apart. I needed to pretend the world wasn't falling into pieces around me. I needed to think, I needed to pace. And I needed to cry. This was not the life I had bargained for. This was not the life I deserved.

I slammed the door close behind me.

I heard a muffled cry from the other side and knew I had taken Meredith by surprise.

But she couldn't be here, not now, not for this. I was falling apart and she couldn't be here. Because she had so much to do with the falling.

"Derek," I heard her gentle voice from the other side of the door, causing the first tears to spill over my eyes and onto my cheeks. "Should I ...should I go?" she asked.

I could see her standing outside the door, nerves making her body rigid. And I pictured her walking away, leaving me alone in this room, alone in my pain. And I knew she'd be in her own. I needed her, I needed her outside that door, there for me, waiting for me, protectiing me. "Stay, Mer. Please stay."

_Make it mine again._

He wanted me to stay.

He had shut me out of the room and left me standing outside the door, alone in a hallway while tears streamed down my face. He hadn't let me in. But he had asked me to stay, in a strangled voice he asked me to stay. Leaving wasn't an option.

I turned around and pressed my back against the door, protecting him the only way I could. No one was getting past me. No one. I tried to ignore the broken sobs that were coming from the inside, that were tearing my heart apart. I had to ignore them, because I wasn't allowed in. Bt still, tears streamed down my face.

I thought back to that night, it was one of his first night's here, it was the night he had bought the land even though the trailer hadn't been there yet. He pulled a blanket out of his car and we had leaned back together on it, and looked up at the stars. Hours had past and we just kept talking. He had told me about his dad who had been the chief of surgery at some hospital in New York until he had died suddenly when Derek was 10. And how he always wanted to follow those footsteps, make his dad proud. He had gotten so close.

I couldn't hate him.

God, I had tried, I tried to hate him for not listening, for walking away But he was Derek. And Mark was right, when Derek is hurting he doesn't react he best way. He was an ass when he was hurting. But he was Derek, my Derek. And right now my Derek was on the other side of the door falling apart. So if the only way I could offer him comfort was from standing outside, then that is what I would do.

Derek was my best friend. He knows me. He loves me. At the end of the day, it's Derek. Even when he hurts me. Even when I hate him. He's who I want to talk to.

So if he wants me sitting outside this door, there is no where else I'd rather be. He's still get hell fire whenever he deemed to talk to me again, but for now I could be here however he needed me.

I felt the door shift behind me and knew he had moved to lean again the other side, leaving us back to back with only a tiny door in between. It was the closest we had been in days. And I didn't move, I couldn't move.

My heart was breaking for the man on the other side of the door.

_You have to keep your distance from me._

She hadn't said anything in a bit but I knew she was there. Meredith wouldn't leave, she wouldn't walk away. She was stronger than that.

I wanted to open the door and let her in. My tears had subsided, thankfully and now I just sat, my back against the door that Meredith and I shared and felt numb. Entirely numb. And I wanted to open the door because I knew just looking at her, holding her, being comforted by her and I would be alive again. A voice in my head yelled at me to open the door, a voice that sounded an awful lot like Meredith.

But I couldn't. Too much had passed. I was too emotionally drained.

Feeling alive would mean feeling other things again, and I wasn't quite sure I was ready for that right now. This numbness, it was working for me.

The pain of not getting the position I had worked for since I was 10 years old was still too new, I couldn't face that. The pain of catching Addison with that intern...it seemed insignificant. After everything else that happened this week losing the wife I had fallen out of love with ages ago seemed insignificant. But Meredith, the pain of this...fight...with Meredith. It stung most. Because I knew she could be here, I knew if she was there'd be no pain to avoid, just the peace I found in her arms. And that was enough.

I wanted to hate her. I tried my best to hate her. She betrayed me, she didn't tell me life changing information that she should have. I wanted to hate her.

But hating her was exhausting.

She stood on the other side of a closed door, being there for me, after I walked away she just stood there. Against all reason she waited for me, out in the hallway.Even though she couldn't be beside me, she found a way to be there for me. I had never had that before, with anyone.

I couldn't hate her.

Meredith was my best friend. She knows me. She loves me. At the end of the day, it's Meredith. Even when she hurts me. Even when I hate her. She's who I want to talk to.

So I wanted to open the door and let her in, pull her into my arms and feel a live again. Because I needed her. But it was still too soon, everything was still too fast. My world was spinning around me and now was not the time to anchor myself to her. Not after everything.

So the door stayed closed.

As my heart broke for everything that Meredith and I might have lost.

_Do you have any idea how much this hurts?_


	40. I'll Be There for You

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. My life would be very different if I owned Grey's Anatomy. I mean I wouldn't be sitting at home tonight working on fanfiction, I'd be busy writing for the actual show. Or chillaxing with Patrick and Ellen.**

**Sorry that it's taken so long to get up. I've been busy...and well busy. But here is an update and I'll try to get another one up tonight.**

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"How's McDreamy?" Cristina asked flopping down on the gurney beside me.

"I don't know, he went home," I said with a shrug. I wish I knew, I wish I could have gone home with him. But I didn't and I couldn't. Not that he had even wanted me. After his tears had subsided earlier that day he had opened the door, mummbled a quick thank you to me and dissapeared from the hospital. I didn't even have the option to follow him.

"You chased out after him though," Izzie chimed in coming into the tunnels that we had claimed as our own.

"We didn't really talk, but he's...he's a mess," I volunteered.

"He would have made a good chief," George reassured me coming into the tunnels. "Dr. Shepherd, he's a nice guy, he would have been a good chief."

"Burke's an ass," Cristina moaned.

"McDreamy would have been a better chief," Izzie nodded, taking a sip of tea from the cup she always carried around.

"It's wrong. It's unfair. He was robbed. Derek was robbed," George said quietly.

"It's because McDreamy is too damn nice. He's always smiling and happy and nice. Nice guys don't get chief, the hard core guys do, that assholes like Burke. Guys who get called McDreamy and become best friends with interns miss out. It's how the system works. It's shit but it's how the system works," Cristina ranted.

"I don't care if that's how the system works, Derek should be chief," Izzie argued.

"I just...I thought he'd get it," George said sounding distraught.

"Are you having a Derek Shepherd fan club meeting and forgot to inivite me?" a familiar voice came from around the corner, soon revealing the smug face of Mark.

"Who are you?" Izzie and Cristina said in unison.

"Mark Sloane, Derek's other best friend," he said reaching out his hand to shake hands with my friends, holding Izzie's maybe a little longer than was necessary."Yes, I am the better looking one."

"He need a name," Cristina said glancing over at me, echoing my thoughts of the night before.

"I have a name," Mark said, looking confused.

"McYummy?" Izzie wondered.

"No," Cristina responded. "McSexy?"

I shook my head no at that one, nearly wanting to giggle at the confused look on Mark's face. "McSteamy."

"Oh there it is," Cristina said, nodding at him appreciatively.

"Well...umm...as much I hate to break up this...whatever this is, I need Meredith. Well Derek needs Meredith," Mark said, offering his hands out to help me off the gurney.

"Derek needs me?" I asked him a little suspicious of the whole situation.

"He refuses to do any of the usual stuff that cheers him up, he refuses to talk to me. Quite frankly he's scaring me, so I'm assuming I'm the wrong best friend and he needs you," Mark said with a shrug.

I gave Mark a skeptical look, because somehow I had the belief that Mark was reading the situation entirely wrong. Derek did not need me. Derek needed to be an idiot,and feel sorry for himself. Derek needed to sit in the dark trailer and feel like shit, thinking about how badly things turned out for him and blaming it on everyone but himself. Derek didn't need me. "Derek doesn't need me," I told him bitterly.

"He's already tuned down strippers, alcohol and my shoulder to cry on. You're next," Mark said, moving to grab me off the gurney.

"He locked me out," I told him flatly.

"He locked you out?" Mark asked, stopping moving and looking confused. I could feel the eyes of all my friends on me and wished I could dissapear. I didn't want to talk about this, this was mine and Derek's private stuff, this wasn't for public record, no matter what Mark though.

"He closed the on call room door in my face. After I chased after him, he closed the door in my face," I explained, looking at Mark, pleading him silently to let it drop, to leave it alone. Because if he said the right things he could probably convince me that Derek did need me. And then I would go to Derek, and something would happen and this mess would just get bigger. I needed him to drop it.

"Did you try the door?"

"What?" I asked incredulous. Of all the things Mark could have said, he asked me the stupidest question possible. Which probably explained his insane lengthy friendship with the idiot.

"Did you see if the door was locked?" he questioned.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Cristina piped in, sounding as confused as I felt.

Mark looked at her briefly and slid onto the gurney beside me, putting a comforting hand on my knee. In that second he reminded me of Derek. The short time I had spent with him had proven that he was Derek's opposite, but right now, sitting beside me, comforting me, he reminded me of Derek. I coudln't help the tear that escaped. "The door was closed, Meredith. But it probably wasn't locked. He's closing you out, it's what he does, but he's not locking you out."

"That was the worst analogy I have ever heard," Cristina said. Even though I wasn't looking at her, I could tell she was rolling her eyes.

"No, that was deep. That was very deep," Mark said smiling. "Someone write that down, I need to remember it." I heard George scrambling to get his notebook out of his pocket and I laughed with the rest of everyone.

"He closed it in my face, Mark," I told him once the laughter had subsided.

"Make him pay. Close your legs, cut off the sex," Mark said with a shrug. "But right now he's hurting and he needs you."

"I don't know," I said, feeling my body wanting to get up, to follow Mark out of the hospital and go be there. It felt good to be needed, even if it was by an ass who didn't deserve me right now. It felt good to think he needed me.

"Mer, go to him. You'r his best friend," George urged.

"We'll cover for you," Izzie volunteered.

"Come on, Mer," Mark said, giving me what I could only imagine was his version of the McDreamy look. "You can't say no to this face. Thousands of women all around the world can attest to that."

I giggled softly and pushed myself off the gurny. "You know if Derek isn't glad I'm there I'm letting this hang on your head," I told him.

"Derek's been blaming his messes on me since we were five. I can take it," Mark anwered, grabbing my hand and starting to lead me out of the tunnels

Derek needed me, as far as Mark, the other best fiend was concerned, Derek needed me. And right now that was enough, it had to be enough. Because the idea that Derek was hurting was enough for me to need to be there. Even though I didn't want to, even though I knew he might push me away and make this mess even bigger. Right now I needed to be there.

_I can promise you tomorrow, but I can't buy back yesterday._

**So all the interns are shocked that Derek didn't get chief, they all thought he would, because they think Burke is an ass. So yes, they were surprised. And then Mark comes around and convinces Meredith that Derek needs her. Because he's hurting and he has no idea. So he figures that it has something to do with him being the best friend. So Derek needs her. And he didn't lock her out...he just closed her out, and now he needs her.**

**As I said, I'll update soonish. Hopefully tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	41. Alive with the Glory of Love

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy it wouldn't be shown on ABC at 9. Nope. It would be saved for really late at night on the smutty channels. Because Patrick would be naked a lot...and there'd be a lot of sex.**

**I'm not saying much before this chapter...because it just kind of flows from the last one and I don't want to give anything away. However, this comes with a warning. This fic isn't rated M...but this chapter, this chapter is definitely rated M. Very M. And not in a sweet, loving way. You'll see...but if you don't like reading explicit scenes ignore this chapter and just skip to the AN where I will let you know the important things that happened.**

**Enjoy!**

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I looked at the closed door in front of me. The little metal door looked huge and daunting today. It was the last thing I wanted to open. Opening that door would open another world that I wasn't sure I was prepared to face. But I had promised Mark I would do this, or at least try to do this.

I walked in quietly to find the trailer dark, only the slight moonlight throwing light over the floor. It almost appeared that Derek wasn't here but my eye caught his silhouete sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the wall. He was silent, but the pain eminated off of him. My life had been full of broken hearts but I had never seen anything quite like this.

"Derek?" I asked him, whispering into the darkness.

I was met by silence as I moved towards him, as quietly as I could, not wanting to break the silence that filled the room.

I finally reached him and still neither of us had said a word as I slipped down on the floor beside him, looking over at his face. I hated the frown that marred his perfect features and wish I could do anything to wipe it away, to make him smile again. I slowly moved my arm to rest it around his shoulders, terrified that he would push me away. He didn't so I pulled him closer to me, letting his head fall against my shoulder. My heart clenched as I saw tears spring to his eyes and his shoulders shook slightly against me. He turned slightly in my arms, bringing himself closer to me, clinging to me as sobs ripped through his body. Tears burned my eyes as I tried to hold them back for Derek's benefit, but seeing him like this tore me to shreds.

"It's okay, Derek, I'm here," I muttered in a shaky voice, running a hand through his hair.

"Mer, god Mer," he gasped through his tears, pulling me closer to him.

"Shhh, Derek, shhhhh," I whispered, holding him as tightly as I could. We sat like for a long time, I had no idea how long. But as his tears began to quiet the shoulder of my shirt was soaked and my arms were sore with the force of holding him so close. "You okay?" I asked him once he was down to sniffles. I felt his head nod against my shoulder as I wound my fingers through his hair.

We sat there for a couple more minutes as his breathing and heart rate returned to normal but neither of us made a move to leave each other's arms. "I'm sorry," he finally whispered.

"You've been an ass," I told him. I wasn't going to yell, I couldn't yell at him now, not like this. But he wasn't off the hook.

"I've been a complete ass," he agreed, his voice sounding rough. "I shouldn't have yelled."

"Derek, I'm supposed to be your best friend. You're the one that is always saying that. You have to listen to me Derek, you have to give me a chance to talk. You have to trust me, you have to trust that I would never do anything to hurt you," I told him, whispering to keep from yelling at him.

"You didn't tell me," Derek whispered into my hair.

"Are you ready to listen?" I asked him, running my fingers gently through his hair.

"Yes," he whispered, his voice quiet in the dark. I wanted to get up and turn on a light, but I enjoyed my place in Derek's arms far too much.

I took a deep breath. "Seeing your best friend's wife with another man is, well it's big Derek. Especially when you and that best friend have a tendency to kiss in completely innappropriate places. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know what to say. And then I tried and you got paged away. And I tried, Derek. I did."

"The rambling, when you were rambling..." Derek said, a little louder as the the realization set in.

"That was me trying to tell you," I said nodding. "I was scared, Derek."

Derek shiffted in my arms again, turning so he could look at me. "Scared? What did you have to be scared of?"

"That you wouldn't believe me. That you'd chose to believe her instead of me," I said in a quiet.

"Oh Mer," he said quietly, reverantly. He shifted again, this time wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. "I would have believed you, you're my best friend. You're...I would have believed you," he said, nodding slightly.

"How was I supposed to know that? She's your wife Derek. Was your wife," I corrected myself, remember what Mark had told me about them getting divorced.

"Meredith, you have to know what's been going on here, between you and me, you have to know," Derek said, speaking loudly now.

"I know what I thought was going on, I know what was going on for me. But Derek you had a wife, an impossible to hate nice wife who wanted to be friends with me. I had no idea what was going on with us. I had my theories, I had my hopes but I just didn't know," I told him, feeling a fight coming but we still didn't pull away from each other.

"I had a wife and you had a boyfriend. You weren't exactly available either Meredith," Derek said, his voice taking on a sharp edge.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to break up with my boyfriend just because I was falling in love with a married man," I shouted, starting to pull away slightly now. I didn't want to be yelling at him, he was hurting and broken, and I didn't want to be fighting with him. But I couldn't help myself.

"And I was supposed to divorce my wife because I was falling for a crazy intern?" he said, completely pulling himself out of my arms.

"Yes! No! I don't know Derek, but you were, you are married to her. I couldn't ignore that. I had to ignore my feelings because I couldn't ignore that," I snapped at him.

He stood up and started pacing around the darkened room. I missed his warmth beside me immediately. "Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think it's been easy taking time to figure out what I want when every moment I spent with her I felt like I was wasting time waiting for you? Do you think I wanted you to be with someone else? I would have walked away if I could have."

"You did walk away, Derek! The second things got messy you walked away!" I shouted, now moving to also stand up.

"I did not walk away! God I tried but I couldn't! Trying to walk away destroyed me!" he yelled back, his fingers running through the hair that mine had been in seconds before.

"No! Not getting chief wrecked you. Walking away...that was nothing. You thought nothing of walking away from me!" I yelled at him. I was shocked at how quickly this had fallen apart.

"Meredith, I..."

"No Derek! I don't want to hear it. You yelled and you walked away! You didn't give me time to explain. You didn't give me time to say anything. You just walked away. And now you listen, you listen now because you need me. But Derek you weren't there when I needed you! You walked away. I mean nothing to you. I'm just the intern who'd head you like to screw with!" I yelled, near tears.

Even in the darkness I saw the anger flicker in his eyes, lighting them in a way I wasn't used to. "Meredith..."

"No. Just don't. I don't even know what I bothered coming here," I said, walking towards the door.

But then his hand was around my wrist and he was pulling me towards him, putting my back against the wall and standing in front of me, breathing hard, his chest rising and falling against me. "Don't you dare suggest that you mean nothing to me!" he said, whispering violently.

I met his eyes, hating the way mine glistened with tears, and hating seeing the tears reflected in his. "I hate you, Derek Shepherd."

And then his lips were on mine, with a bruising force that made my whole entire body ache with needing him. He pressed against me further, pinning me against the wall as his mouth attacked mine. I could feel his erection pressed up against me and felt the shudder of his chest. A small moan escaped my mouth, allowing his tongue that entrance it begged for. Our tongues quickly found each other, nothing gentle about it as the clashed between us. My hands found their ways around him, resting on his ass, squeezing gently as I brought him closer, his erection pressing hard against me. He moaned softly into his mouth, his lip moved in between mine, and I bit down hard on it.

"God, Mer," he gasped pulling back enough so I could see the desire in his eyes. His hands traveled to the hem of my shirts and he roughly pulled it over my head, leaving me panting in my bra. His bruising mouth was on me again, ignoring the lips this time, pressing hard kisses around my jawline, starting to explore my neck. I cried out as he bit down hard in the crook. My hands found the center of his shirt and I ripped it apart, loving the sound of the buttons popping off and hitting the floor. The shirt was ruined, but I needed him naked more.

"Derek..." I moaned, as he lifted me up, my legs wrapping around him, my wet center still covered by my jeans, pressing hard against his erection. He caried me to the bed, his lips back on my, crushing them. He threw me onto the bed, shrugging out of the now destroyed shirt before coming to lay on top me. I brought his face to meet mine, pressing my sore lips against his, disregarding the fact I knew they were already swollen. His hands wound themselves around me, releasing the clasp of my bra and pulling it off of me. His lips left mine as he dipped his head towards my now exposed breast. He kissed them gently at first, his hands exploring them roughly at the same time. But soon his hands dissapeared, lowering the the fly of my jeans and slowly unbuttoning them as he brought one of my nipples into his mouth, sucking hard on it. He slipped my pants down, along with my panties. I let out a scream as his teeth closed around the other nipple and then moaning against my chest, his breath on my now wet skin causing shivers to run down my back. His fingers explored me, delving into my wetness, hard and demanding as his teeth ran the length of the body, causing me to moan everytime he nipped at me. Soon his mouth reached to join his fingers and it stopped being violent. He gently licked at my clit, gently explored me with his tongue. My body shuddered as I felt myself clench around his fingers that were still pressed hard inside me. I called out his name my body released.

"I need you Mer," he said in a husky voice that immediately made me ready again. He quickly removed his pants and leaned over me and reached into the bed side table, pulling out a tiny foil package. "God, Mer, I need you," he repeated opening the package with shaky hands and slipping the condom onto his hard penis. I had imagined Derek naked more times to count and never had he looked this good. This hard. This perfect.

And then all thought stopped as I pulled him close to me again, pressing my lips against his, focing my tongue into his mouth. I felt his body shudder with desire as he shifted to push inside me. I took all of his hardness immediately, gasping as he filled me. He bit my lip as he stayed still, not moving, just feeling my body tremor underneath his. I bit back as he began to move, and then back in again, harder than before. Derek was good at this, Derek was damn good at this. As his speed slowly picked up I pulled my lips from his and found his neck, his shoulders, biting hard everytime he pushed inside me, causing him to gasp more and more. He shifted slightly, taking both of my arms and pinning them above my head as his rhythm changed, to something that couldn't be considered slow or gentle by any stretch of the imagination. I felt myself clench around him, shudders running through my body as I reveled in my inability to move, holding back a scream as I came by biting hard on his shoulder. As my body shuddered with the after shocks I managed to free my arms from his hands and wrapped them around his back, my fingernails clawing as he pushed into me over and over again.

"Meredith," he moaned as I felt his body start to tighten against me. I felt myself clench around him again, screaming loudly as my orgasm washed over me, him bitting hard against my neck, his fingers squeezing my nipple hard. He let out a small moan as his body began to shake, his orgasm releasing inside of me, as he pulled me close, the violence forgotten as his breathing returned to normal holding me close.

"I love you," he mummered sometime after as we laid in each other arms, bruised and bloody but too satisfied to care. "I love you. Don't ever question that, I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered back as he pulled me close to him again, our sore bodies fitting together perfectly as he entered me again, softer this time but just as needy.

Eventually we fell asleep, tangeled up in eachother. Finally where we belonged.

_I'll know my purpose, this war was worth it, I won't let you down._

**So ummm...they had sex. Actually they had really hot angry sex. And they yelled...Derek finally listened and they yelled at each other and everything got put out there. Everything about how they felt and why they did things. Just everything. And then they have really violent and angry sex in a way only they could. And right at the end they said I love you and had softer sex. So needless to say...this chapter...it changed...everything. Nothing will be the same for them ever again. And maybe that's good...maybe it's not.**

**I'll have another update up later today...hopefully before GA.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	42. The Fear you Won't Fall

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy no one would be complaining about the lack of Mer/Der screen time. Nope, instead there'd be comments like "Weren't there other characters on this show?" and "Why is Derek naked all the time?". Obviously not my show.**

**So they had sex...and well it was hot and angry and sex. And now...now they have aftermath. Because no sex comes without aftermath, just ask George and Izzie, lol. But no seriously...the night of hot sex in my fic a lot of things were put on the table and now those things need to actually be solved, in a way sex doesn't solve things. But first...fluff!**

**Enjoy!**

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The scent of lavender filled me nose long before I opened my arms. Her soft body fitted well against mine, relaxed in sleep. I opened my eyes and found her facing me in sleep, a small content smile on her swollen lips. I had watched her sleep before, during movies after a long day at work, but never had she looked so beautiful.

Suddenly the smile grew wider and her eyes slowly opened.

"Good morning," I told her, leaning over and giving her a quick, gentle kiss.

"Were you watching me sleep?" she asked me smiling.

"Maybe," I told her, shifting to look at her better.

"What are you, some kind of weirdo that watches women sleep?" she asked.

"Maybe," I repeated leaning over and kissing her again.

She smiled and giggled softly, but the laughter died quickly, panic filling her eyes. "Was I snoring? Ryan used to complain about it, apparently it's obnoxious. Was I snoring?" she asked me grimacing.

I laughed and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "You were snoring."

"Oh god," she groaned, pulling the sheet that covered us over her head. She was adorable in the morning.

"I love it, I find it charming that such a big noise can come from such a small person," I told her, kissing her again. I could get used to this kissing her over and over again thing. Every kiss before had been stolen and dirty, and last night it was angry. Today was just...bright and shiny. And this I could get used to.

"Derek!" she complained, hitting me gently in the side. I rolled off of her, but wrapped my arms around her to bring her with me, loving the laughter that bubbled from her, so different than the sadness that had been bothering us for too long.

"Last night was amazing," I told her, looking up at her smiling face.

"It was," she agreed, smiling shyly at me.

I pulled her close and gently kissed her, taking the time to really explore her mouth, to really enjoy the taste of my Meredith. My Meredith. She really could be mine. After months of dancing around the issue and pretending to be friends and all the other crap, she could actually really be mine. Right now, in this moment, with her in my arms, she felt like she was mine. She was mine on a level Addison never had been. God, I was in love with her.

"So what now?" I whispered, pulling away from her.

"I...I don't know. Last night was, it was big, Derek. But I...I don't know what's next," Meredith said, squirming slightly in my arms, as panic set through her body.

"I love you," I said calmly, simply.

"I love you too," she whispered back, but without the same amount of calm in her voice.

"Mer, I know things have been complicated, I know things have been really bad for us. And I know I've made a lot of mistakes. But I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you forever. Nothing's going to change that. I want us to have a chance," I whispered urgently.

"Derek, I...this is fast. This is really fast," Meredith said, moving to get out of the bed.

I grabbed her wrist, holding her in place. "I know, I know Mer. Just, I can give us time. Whatever time you need."

"I think we've been through this before," she responded.

"Meredith, we can take this slow," I said, urging her back onto the bed. "As slow as you need, we can take this slow. I just want our chance," I told her, rubbing the knucles of the hand that was now in mine.

"Slow means none of that stuff we did last night," Meredith said looking at me like I was five year old that wanted sex all the time.

"After last night I don't think I can do that stuff again anytime soon," I told her, laughing.

"Derek, I'm serious," she said, frowning at me. She had an adorable frown.

"So am I, you wore me out," I said, smiling devilishly at her. "Mer, as slow as you want. I want to be with you, that's all that matters."

Meredith nodded slowly, staring down at my fingers that rested with hers. "And we need to talk. You said things, I said things. We were friends and then we weren't and now we're this. And things were said. We need to talk Der, we just can't pretend that all didn't happen."

"We'll talk," I told her nodding. Right now, the taste of her still fresh on my lips and the feel of her still in my bed, I was quite certain that I'd agree to anything.

"But not right now," she said, looking around the trailer as if searching for something and then settling her eyes on my kitchen area. "Right now you're making me breakfast. I'm starved."

I laughed and pulled her close for a second, kissing her quickly. "Whatever you want."

_Part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear you won't fall._

**So yeah this chapter was kind of just cute and fluffy and it just barely skimmed all the real life issues they have to face and deal with, but I felt like after the really heavy angry sex it was needed. They needed a morning to wake up and really just be. To ignore how complicated they are and just...be fluffy. For Derek to be all about how he desperately wants to be with her and Meredith be a little freaking out but still happy to be with him. So yeah, it was fluff.**

**And the next update...well by the time you read this it's already up.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	43. You're Like Coming Home

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Grey's Anatomy. I don't quite know why I don't own it, but simple as that, I don't. If I ever do I promise you guys will be the first to know.**

**So we had some fluff last chapter...yay for fluff! But now it's time to talk. Because there are things that need to be said, need to be discussed so it's definitely time to talk. Talking is good and needed. So yeah...talk.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Today was amazing," Derek said much later that day. I couldn't see his face, only his back as he leaned over the sink doing dishes, but I could hear the smile in his voice.

"It was, wasn't it?" I responded, giggling. He looked cute doing the dishes. And his ass really looked nice in those jeans.

This wasn't me. I wasn't the girl that giggled when a guy said something less than intelligent. I wasn't the girl that thought anyone was cute doing dishes. This wasn't me. But we had spent the day in his trailer, for the first time in our friendship we had been able to spend time at his place, without my roommates, just us. We had spent most of it in bed, gloriously, happily in bed. And we had walked Hemingway. And it had been the cheesiest, most romance novel like day of my life. And I was happy.

"Should we talk?" Derek asked, throwing the last dish into the cupboard and grabbing two beers from his fridge.

"I don't want to," I said, chewing my lip as he handed me one of the bottles. "Talking might destroy our incredibly perfect day. And I never get perfect days, so I don't think I really want to destroy this one."

"We need to talk," he told me, nodding.

"Derek, I avoid. You know that, can't you just let me...avoid?" I asked him pleadingly. Because today had been perfect and talking would change everything. And I didn't want things to change.

"No," he told me, leaning forward and kissing me quickly. He had been doing that a lot today.

"No?" I asked.

"No," he said, kissing me quickly again. "Because I want this to work, I need this to work. And unless we talk, it's not going to work. We need to talk."

"Okay. Talk. But no fighting Derek, I don't want to fight, not today," I told him.

"No fighting," he agreed easily. That had been happening all day to, Derek was agreeing to everything I said. "So apparently we're in love with each other," he finished, smiling far too widely. Smiling that widely could not feel good. I knew my cheeks were sore. So was the rest of me, but I was ignoring that. Being sore from sex was okay. Being sore from McDreamy sex was even better.

"And apparently you're still married," I said, not wanting to avoid it since Derek insisted on talking about it.

"Meredith, the papers are signed, it's just a matter of weeks till everything is finalized. But I am not a married man, not anymore," he said.

I nodded slowly, and looked down at the ground. "But you were, you were married. Days ago Derek. And then you found, well you know and now it's this with the sex and the breakfast and the walking the dog. Just everything. It's so fast."

"It's fast," Derek agreed, nodding and still smiling unnaturally wide.

"You just got divorced, Derek, are you sure," I cleared my throat not wanting to actually say the next words. "Are you sure you're not...rebounding?"

"Meredith, the night I found...the night of the banquet I was looking for Addison because I wanted to tell her it was over. That I couldn't be with her anymore, because I had fallen in love with my best friend," he said, giving me the McDreamy look. That damn look.

"Your sure?" I asked him.

"I'm sure Meredith. I love you, since the moment I met you, Addison didn't really stand a chance. I love you and you're it for me," he assured me.

"Okay," I said, nodding and not trying to keep the smile off my face. "And you can't be an ass."

"I can't be an ass?" he asked me, looking confused.

"You can't be an ass. When you get mad, you yell and you don't listen to me. So you jump to conclusions, and well you're an ass. You can't do that, you have to let me talk," I urged him.

"I can do that," he said nodding.

"Are you going to agree to everything I say tonight?" I asked him, giggling as he started to nod his head.

"Yes," he said.

"Derek..." I started to portest.

"Meredith, I was an ass. It's because of me we even had to have this talk. So tonight, yes I'm agreeing to anything, anything to be with you. Right now that's all I want," Derek explained, still smiling.

"I had no idea you were this cheesy," I said wrinkling my nose.

"Mark would not be happy with me right now," he said laughing.

"Cristina wouldn't be impressed either," I agreed.

"You've ruined me Meredith Grey," he laughed.

"Sorry," I told him.

"It's okay, I think I like being ruined," he said nodding, causing me to roll my eyes.

"So you have nothing? You who insisted on talking have nothing to say?" I complained to him.

"I have something," he started trailing off into his own thoughts. I gave him an encouraging smile. "You have to trust me. You can't be afraid to tell me things, Mer. Anything, no matter how big or small, you can't be afraid to come to me. You can't shut me out."

"Derek..." I began, because what he was asking, it was huge. Bigger than anything I was ready to give, or at least I thought I was ready to give. I didn't share, I shut people out. It's what I did.

"Meredith, I watched you with Ryan, I know how things were. And I don't want to be your next Ryan, I want to be your partner. I need to be your partner in this," he told me.

I nodded slowly, and I hoped convincingly. He smiled and opened his arms, indicating me to come and join him on the couch. I did, curling myself into his arms and finding my comfort there. I always found my comfort there. And now they were mine or at least I think they were. "Derek, are you...are we...I mean..."

"Yes, Meredith, we're in a relationship," he said, I could feel his head nodding above me.

"Oh, okay," I said, my words not reflecting the smile that was on my face, as I curled in closer to him.

_I'm here in your arms, I'm safe from the world again._

**So they talked and I'm guessing it wasn't nearly as scary and bad as you thought it might be, was it? Because they're both scared and they both hurt each other a lot, but they are madly in love and finally faced that...so all the other stuff just doesn't matter as much as it did. They could talk without fighting because they are both just entirely desperate to make it work. But they could still be honest because the love is there. And now they're in a relationship.**

**And I will try to update tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	44. You're Like Coming Home Part 2

**Disclaimer: There might be a new episode of Grey's on Thursday. There might not be. If I owned it I would know, so apparently I definitely don't own it. It's sad...really.**

**So Meredith and Derek talked. They're happy. For the first time for this entire fic they are together and they're happy. Really happy. But this fic isn't entirely done (although it is approaching it...about 6 chapters left) and well some issues of Derek's haven't been resolved. Which is interesting because Derek isn't usually the one with issues, but oh well. So umm...yeah.**

**Enjoy!**

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Today had been long. Today had been hell. I had wanted to spend today curled up in bed with my girlfriend just like I spent yesterday. I wanted to just enjoy my girlfriend. Instead I had performed a run of the mill craniotomy, with George. I didn't even get to work with my girlfriend.

And I was probably using the word girlfriend a few too many times in my own head.

But I was happy. Happy is good. I liked being happy.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, reaching my office to find my best friend leaning on the couch, reading of all things, a Maxim magazine.

"Had a meeting with that chief of yours," he getting up from the couch.

"You had a meeting with Webber?" I asked him shrugging out of my lap coat.

"Yes. Apparently he wants the best, and well since I'm one of them," he said, grinning at me smuggly.

"You're moving to Seattle?" I asked him, smiling widly. A girlfriend one day, and my best friend back the next. Life was going well for me all of sudden.

"Maybe," Mark answered as I pulled my scrub shirt over my head. "Dude, what animal attacked you?"

I had forgotten about the scratch marks that hadn't healed yet on my back and the small bruises that Meredith's love bites and hard kisses had left. Last night our love making had been a lot slower, a lot more gentle, it had left no marks. But the night before last hadn't healed yet. And I secretly loved it. "That...it's nothing," I answered quickly.

Mark laughed sagely, the sound of a man who had seen the same marks on his own body, not that I wanted to think of all the sex that he was having. "Oh I get it, Meredith was the animal. She didn't strike me as the wild type."

"She's not," I growled at him.

"Hey, I'm just happy that you two figured thing out," Mark said.

"So am I," I said grinning and pulling the shirt over my head. I loved this shirt, because when I had been in the shower this morning Meredith had picked it out for me to wear today. I loved having Meredith there to do those things. I just loved having Meredith there.

"Are you and Meredith coming to Joe's tonight?" he asked me, a sly smile on his face.

"I don't know, have to check with her," I said, slipping out of my pants and pulling on my jeans.

"Somehow I think other things might distract you. And to think I'm supposed to be the horn dog in this friendship," Mark said laughing at me.

"We're just...happy," I told him. The word didn't seem adequate to describe what Meredith and I were but it would have to do. Since the second our anger had been exhausted on each other it had been bliss. I had spent days trying to hate her, trying not to let this happen. But now it had. And I couldn't remember a time in my life when I had been happier. That time just didn't exist. Right now my life was shit. My wife had cheated on me with an intern. My job had been offered to another man. My life was crap. And I was happy.

"Remember high school?" Mark randomly asked as I tied on my good shoes.

"Yeah, what about it?" I questioned him.

"Me and you, we were the players, we were those guys Derek, the guys that every guy wanted to be and every girl wanted to be with. Derek, me and you,we were it," Mark said, sounding excited at the thought.

"Do you have a point to this trip down memory lane?" I asked.

"Yes. You got married. And now your disgustingly in love. What happened to that Derek?" he asked me.

"He grew up. You should look into it sometime," I told him as I slipped into my jacket. "Mer's on shift till 8, want to go grab a bite to eat?"

"Sure," Mark nodded. "I like being the second choice."

"Let me just check my messages," I told him, reaching over and hitting the button on my phone.

_"Dr. Shepherd. This is Dr. Brown from Mercy Hospital on Portland, Maine. I'm calling about a possible job offer. Our chief of surgery just announced his retirement and we're looking to hire from outside and your name was suggested. Call me back at 555-5678 and we can discuss it."_

I sunk onto my chair, all but forgetting that Mark stood in the same room. I had dreamed of being chief of surgery my entire life, it was all I had wanted. And I had just been called with the opportunity of a life time. This is what I wanted, this is what I had worked so hard for. But Maine, Maine was on the other side of the country of Seattle, of Meredith. Thoughts swam through my head as I listened to my heart pound in my chest.

"Congrats, man," Mark's voice brought me back to reality. I nodded in response but remained silent, the machine still rattling off messages but I didn't bother to lsiten to them. "Not congrats?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"This is what you've always wanted," Mark reminded me.

"Meredith," I whispered. Meredith was here, she couldn't leave, she was an intern, she couldn't leave. She was here. And Meredith was my everything. We had finally figured things out and she was here. She was not in Maine. If I moved to Maine I would be giving up her, us. But if I stayed her, my career would never change. I'd be head of neurosurgery forever, never anything more, just head of neurosurgery. My goals, my dreams, they'd never be realized. It was Meredith or my dreams.

"Derek?" Mark asked. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I answered, shaking my head slowly, sadly. "I just don't know."

_Always lookin' for a reason to turn around, desperate for a little piece of mind._

**So yeah...umm...Derek got offered the job he's always dreamed of. Of course it's on the other side of the country than the love of his life...kind of puts him in a really really tough spot. Derek, who just went through a whole bunch of hell all of a sudden had everything offered to him. But he can't have both...he had to choose. And which one is more important to him? Duh duh duh... **

**This will hopefully be updated again later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	45. You're Like Coming Home Part 3

**Disclaimer: I know at least a few of you must have seen the gag reel that somehow ended up online. And for those that did...well it's hilarious and the writers are insane. In short, I don't own GA, I don't work for GA but I would definitely fit in on the set.**

**Sorry that this took a while to get up and that I have left you hanging in suspense as to what was going to happen. Finishing up my college year and things have been crazy. Stupid school. But here is the update you've all been waiting for. Or maybe not as well...you'll see. But it is an update. And things happen, important things. Hahaha. So yeah...**

**Enjoy!**

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I stared at the phone in front of me. Mark had left me alone in my thoughts a long time ago, and now I just stared at the phone in front of me. Days ago all my dreams had been falling apary. But now I had Meredith, now I had the job opportunity I had been waiting for. It was a question of which one was more important, which one I couldn't live without. I didn't have an answer. So in the absent of an answer, I sat and stared at the phone. This is what I had been waiting my whole life for, both things, it's what I had been waiting my whole life for. It was my luck that I couldn't have them both.

But how the hell was I supposed to choose between my love and my career. How can anyone make that choice?

My dad had been chief, he had been one of the best. And then his life had been cut so damn short. I needed to do this for him, I had always wanted to do this for him. It's what he had dreamed of, it's what we had dreamed of. I owed it to him to pick up the phone and accept the job.

But part of me couldn't ignore the fact my dad had been happy and in love. My parents had been madly in love. He never had to choose. And if he had, I don't think he would have chosen the job.

I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing loudly as I reached over for the phone.

This could be a mistake, this could be a huge mistake that could ruin the rest of my life. But it was a risk I had to take.

For my dad.

"Hi, Dr. Brown," I greeted as the voice on the other end answered. "It's Dr. Shepherd, I'm calling about the job offer at your hospital in Maine..."

We fell into conversation and I missed seeing the two nurses walk by.

_Ridin' restless under a broken sky, weary traveler, something missing inside._

"So you and McDreamy finally did the nasty nasty," Cristina said, grinning as we walked down the hall.

"We did not...okay it was kind of nasty the first time," I giggled. Today had been long and lonely. Bailey hadn't given me to my boyfriend and as much as I liked scrubbing in with Callie it wasn't the same. I had wanted to spend my day with my boyfriend. Even if it was just working together, it was a day together. And that's all I cared about.

"Do spill," Cristina said, interest sparking in her eyes.

"There will be no spilling," I told her. "Derek's and mine sex life is not a topic of discussion."

"It could be," she informed me.

"No, no it can't be. Derek and I...we're...I'm not talking about it, not here," I answered looking around to make sure no one was listening to our conversation.

"It's okay, that hickey on your neck speaks for itself," she said.

My hands flew to my neck. Our night of violent sex had left us bruised and battered and at the time, laying exhausted in each other's arms neither of us had really mattered. But now, at work, our scrubs not covering the marks, it was bad. Very very bad. No more violent angry sex. Not for us. "What?" I asked, trying to sound innocent.

"Meredith, it's okay. Just when I think you're boring, you rise," she laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "So glad you're my friend."

"So how wild was it? I mean, he looks like he'd be good. Really good. But not wild," she said.

I couldn't help but smile at the memories of two nights ago. Or yesterday. Of last night. "He's good, really good. He's not wild," I said. I didn't want to talk our sex life, this was not a conversation I wanted to be having. But I was a little too happy to keep it to myself.

"The hickey says differently," Cristina raised an eyebrow, looking at my neck.

"That was...we were mad at each other and things got out of hand. It was...it was only like that once," I said, feeling my cheeks flush slightly.

"One minute...you and McDreamy had violent angry sex?" she asked me, looking even more interested.

"Maybe," I said, biting my lip and silently cursing McDreamy for making me angry in th first place.

"Really, Mer, I'm impressed," Cristina said nodding as we crossed paths with two nurses I didn't recognize.

"I can't believe he's leaving," one of them said. "I knew he was pissed about not getting chief but I didn't think Dr. Shepherd would leave. What about his wife?"

"Oh they're getting divorced, something about an intern. Personally, I think Dr. Shepherd would be nuts to stay here. He's better off in Maine," the other answered.

I stopped walking. Or maybe I was still walking and the world had just stopped turning. Dr.Shepherd. Leaving. Maine. The words ran through my head, echoing the loud thudding of my heart. Dr. Shepherd was leaving and going to Maine. The male Shepherd was leaving and going to Maine. Except for he was my boyfriend, my newly minted boyfriend. We were in love and had finally figured things out, he couldn't be leaving and going to Maine. He couldn't be.

"Where the hell did you hear that?" I heard Cristina yell at the nurses, her voice sounding like it was coming from a far distance away.

"Oh, we walked by his office," the one answered. "He was on the phone discussing it."

"And you are sure you heard right?" Cristina asked. If my brain was working right I'm sure I could have seen her give one of her menacing looks. The two nurses nodded in fear. "Because if you heard wrong, I will kill you and make it look like an accident."

"We heard him on the phone," the one nurse said meekly. "Why do you care?"

"We don't," I heard Cristina answer as she tugged on my arm and pulled me down the hallway. Yes the world had stopped turning, it had definitely stopped turning. Because now I was being propelled down the hall, I was walking and yet it felt like I stayed in the same place.

"I...I ...he loves me. And he's my boyfriend. He can't be leaving. I mean, he can't. We just got together, after months of dancing around we got together. He, he's the one that said we were in relationship. He wanted this. He can't be leaving. Can he?" the words bubbled out of me, not even being processed by my brain.

"I don't know, Mer. You have to talk to him," Cristina said. I could see her now, she looked sympathetic. Apparently my life was officially enough to make Cristina Yang look sympathetic.

"We're happy," I said rather meekly.

"I know Mer, I know. Let's go find McShithead and see what's going on. You know better than to trust the nurses," Cristina said, grabbing my arm to drag me down the hallway again.

But I stayed routed in the spot. "What if they're right? What if he is leaving? What do I do?"

"Nothing. Because if he's leaving, he'll be dead. I can make it look like an accident. Don't doubt me," Cristina said.

And then she was dragging me down the hall, as I blinked back tears and tried to ignore the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Derek couldn't leave me, he wouldn't leave me. Derek just couldn't. But I remembered his dream of being chief, and his despair at not getting it. He could, he could leave me. For that he might leave me.

But I loved him.

_These are the days that can't be erased, baby, there isn't a better place._

**So yes...Meredith had to hear from nurses the news that Derek got offered a job elsewhere. She had to hear from someone that wasn't Derek. And all she heard was that he was leaving, because some nurses over hear it. She doesn't even know the whole story. She dooesn't know any details. And well neither to do, because whatever Derek's doing it's for his dad. The dad that was appparently a great surgeon who was chief that Derek always wanted to be like. But at the same time the dad who put family first. So yeah...Meredith has no idea what's really going on. Derek knows but Meredith doesn't.**

**Going to try to update before I go to bed tonight, if not then definitely tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	46. Storm

**Disclaimer: Dude, I've spent the last three days in a row steaming dresses non stop at the wedding store I now work out. My shoulders are killing me...let's not even talk about my feet. And I was so bored I named the steamer machine McSteamy. Yeah, I wish I owned Grey's Anatomy.**

**So yeah, sorry this took a bit, I've been busy with school and then there was a day that I really planned on working on an update and my mom made me close my door. So yes...it's taken quite some time. But it's here now. And that thing you've been wondering about is finally answered, mainly exactly what was said on the phone with Maine. Hehehehe. Enjoy!**

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It was time to go home. My day had gone from long in a good way to long in a bad way. The last three hours had been the longest of my life. I had tried to work, I had tried to forget about the conversation I had overheard. Cristina urged me over and over to find Derek and talk to him, apparently trusting the nurses was a bad idea, but I didn't have the strength. Because if he was leaving, I couldn't face that.

"Meredith!" I heard him call from behind me. Apparently leaving without him noticing had failed. But I kept walking any way. "Meredith!"

"Not right now!" I said, still walking towards the exit.

I felt his familiar hand wrap around my arm, stopping me from my anger march towards the door. "Meredith, what's wrong?"

I spun around, my hair whipping in his face, but I didn't care. "What's wrong? You...you have the balls to ask me what's wrong?"

"What? Meredith what are you talking about?" he demanded to know.

"Does the word Maine ring a bell?" I shouted at him, wrenching my arm from his grasp and heading towards the door.

I could hear his feet pounding behind me and his sharp breath as he caught up. Only Derek Shepherd would run after a woman that was walking. And only he would actually look good doing it. Not that I was going to give the ass the satisfaction of looking at him.

"Maine? Meredith you have to slow down and talk," Derek said, walking beside me now.

I didn't bother slowing down. "I thought we were happy, Derek. I thought we were finally actually together and happy. I thought we were in love."

"Mer, we are..." Derek started.

"No apparently we're not," I yelled. "I'm happy, I'm together, I'm in love and apparently I'm alone!"

"Meredith..." he started again.

"You say my name and I yell, remember?" I didn't wait for a response. "Derek, people who are happy and in love do not make plans to find jobs in other states. Other states that are on the other side of the country. People in love don't make those kind of plans!"

"How did you..." Derek sputtered.

"Oh, next time you're making phone calls about leaving me, you might thing of closing the door! Because nurses are damn good at spreading gossip!" I yelled.

"Meredith..." he started again.

I finally stopped walking and turned to look at him again. "You don't get to say my name! You made promises Derek! You told me you loved me, you told me that this was it. You promised me things Derek. I thought this was it, I thought we had finally figured it out. And then you and your stupid career! I thought you were happy with this...I thought..." I trailed off, hating the tears that had gathered in my eyes.

"Meredith..." he pleaded with me.

"Derek, I thought you chose me, but apparently you chose Maine," I said, not yelling anymore. I turned around and started walking towards my car, tears streaming down my cheeks, and my knees shook. But I walked away like him, because he seemed damn good at walking away from me.

I was only a few steps away when his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Meredith, I didn't take the job. I said no," Derek said softly.

"Oh," I responded. Derek hadn't taken the job and the most intelligent thing I could come up with is oh.

"I couldn't...you're...you're here, I couldn't go to Maine," he further explained, in a shaky voice.

"Oh," I repeated again. "You should have told me."

"Meredith..." he said gently.

But now I felt like an idiot, an idiot who jumped to stupid conclusion. But a idiot. Still he should have told me. Him who didn't talk to me for days for not telling him something should have told me. As soon as he got the call, this was something we should have talked about. "You're still an ass."

And I walked the rest of the steps to my car, my chin held high and I pulled away, leaving Derek alone and confused in my wake.

_I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside down._

**Yep...Derek's not going to Maine. He couldn't actually imagine leaving Meredith. Not at all...and in his mind he fully planned on telling her once they got home. He had no idea that Meredith knew. But Mer, she's spent three hours getting her anger up, worrying that the man she loves was going to move away. She spent three hours trying to think the best but only coming up with the worse. So yeah, anger...it's there. Derek telling her that he's not leaving doesn't make that anger go away...it just redirects it slightly. So yeah...she's still mad because he didn't come to her right away, he let her believe things. Which is kind of irrational on Mer's part but she's too mad to care. But well...he's not leaving. And that's a good thing.**

**I will try to update tomorrow night...if not definitely Friday.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	47. Be The Girl

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy...well it would be hell. Because with the kind of hiatuses I've taken with this fic, well you'd hate it. A lot.**

**And here's an update. Sorry it took so long to get up. For a while the site was being stupid and wasn't actually letting me update. And then I was busy with my new job and everything. My life has felt a little more hectic than one would like. So yeah, it's been a long time coming. But it's here, finally. And it's kind of sort of filler but I think it's good filler. **

**So enjoy!**

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"What are you doing here?" Izzie said as her and George barelled through the door.

"Where's Dr. Shepherd?" George asked looking around the room as if he expected Derek to be hidding somewhere.

"Dr. Shepherd isn't here. Dr. Shepherd is an ass," I muttered, staring at the tv screen. I had no idea what I was watching, some medical drama on ABC, I wasn't paying attention. But it was something that was makig me feel less alone than I actually was. Not that I wanted company, especially from a stupid neurosurgeon.

"What did he do now?" Izzie asked, sinking down onto the couch next to me and helping herself to ome of my popcorn.

"He was an ass. He doesn't have to do anything specific to be an ass. In his case it's just his constant state of being," I complained.

"Oh okay," Izzie said shrugging. Unlike Cristina she didn't push.

George suddenlyr reappeared, three beers in his hand and he sunk down on the other side. "What are we watching?" he asked.

"That Patrick Dempsey medical drama on ABC," I answered in a flat voice.

"Do you not get enough medical drama at work?" George asked, sounding confused.

"Patrick Dempsey is hot," Izzie and I said in unison, being met by an eye roll from George.

We sat in silence for a few minutes watching the drama on the screen unroll. It was niceto see other people with drama, to forget about our own messed up lives. I never spent much time watching tv, it was impossible with my schedule, but right now I needed some mindless entertainment. And man candy.

"He kind of looks like Derek,' Izzie suddenly said.

"Thanks, now Patrick Dempsey is ruined for me forever," I said, immediately changing the channel to some crime show.

"Meredith what did he do?" Izzie asked again.

"Should we call Cristina?" George asked. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or Izzie.

"He didn't take the job offer in Maine," I groaned finally giving up on getting lost in the show.

"What job offer in Maine?" Izzie asked. Sometimes I liked talking about my problems with Izzie. Cristina made me feel like an idiot most of the time, Izzie just talked about all my mess ups and all my headaches like most people talked about the wheather.Which was probably an indication of how many mess ups and headaches she had had to deal with over the past months.

"Derek was offered chief of surgery at a hospital in Maine and he turned it down." I pouted.

"You're mad your boyfriend because he didn't take a job on the other side of the country," George asked sounding confused.

"Yes, no...it's just...and he...no," I ranted quietly.

"Meredith, why exactly are you mad at Derek?" Izzie asked.

I thought for a second. "I don't know," I said pouting.

"You do realize, this makes no sense. He didn't take the job in Maine, and I'm thinking you probably had a very big thing to do with that decision. Being mad at him is...insane," Izzie shrugged.

"This is why I like Cristina more. She would have called him McShithead and asked me to go to Joe's," I told them both.

"Do you want to go to Joe's?" George offered.

"No, I want to sit here and be mad at Derek," I said, crossing my arms across my chest and trying to remember to be mad at Derek. And ingore the fact it was kind of sweet that he hadn't been able to leave me. He had decided to move across the country without even consulting his wife, but he couldn't leave me. These thoughts were not helping with the anger thing.

"Irrationally mad at Derek," Izze pointed out sipping on her beer.

"Yes, irrationally mad at Derek," I huffed. "He should have told me. I found out from the nurses, the gossiping nurses, he should have told me."

"He turned down the job, what was there to tell you?" George pointed out.

"I'm his girlfriend, shouldn't we have talked about this? Isn't there a talk that should have been had. Like him telling me and us working together to come up with something. There should have been a talk He can't just decide these things," I argued.

"It's his life," Izzie explained.

"It's our life," I pouted.

Our conversation was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell and we all looked at each other. It was late. And yet the doorbell rang again, propelling George off the couch and into the main hallway. Izzie and I sat in silence, watching the crime drama until we heard George clear his throat from behind us.

Derek was with him.

_Cause all I want is just to be a song, that you can feel longer than just right now._

**So yeah...not actually that much to say about this update. Meredith gets home and is irrationally mad at Derek about the whole Maine thing. And her friends call her on it because she really is irrationally mad. And then Derek shows up. Which leads to the next update...**

**Which will be up later tonight...swear on a stack of Paddy pictures.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	48. Touch

**Disclaimer: Right now...I wished I owned Grey's Anatomy...because we're like 3 episodes away from the finale and we all know some crazy shit is going to go down. We just don't know what. But if I owned it...I would know.**

**I know I said this would be up the other night but I got stupid tired and crashed before I got the chance to post. But here it is now...and I have to actually say someone reviewed the last chapter saying what should happen in this chapter. And well, they got exactly what they wanted, lol. And I mean exactly. So here it is...and yes this scene kind of feels familiar.**

**Enjoy!**

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She stared at me, her green eyes staring right through me. She looked so tiny on the couch, so vulnerable and hurting. I couldn't even believe that I had entertained the thought of going to Maine, of leaving her here without me. The idea was insane. I needed to be here, standing awkwardly in her foyer and staring at her. I needed this.

"George and I are going to go to the store and pick up stuff...yes, stuff. I want to make cupcakes, so we need to get stuff," Izzie suddenly exclaimed jumping off the couch.

"But you have the..." George started from beside me.

"I have the chocolate but I need everything else," Izzie said, grabbing George's arm and pulling him out the door.

Leaving Meredith and I alone in our staring. The silence thundered through the house as we just looked at each other. My feet felt rooted to the spot in the foyer, even though my body ached to be closer to her, to hold her close and make promises never to leave her. Meredith sometimes made me feel like the cheesy lead of a romance novel and I hated it. But I put up with it. Because not putting up with it had stopped being an option the second that my eyes had found her in the bar.

"You left without me," I finally said cutting into the silence. Only to be met with silence as she turned her head back to the television. "Now you're not talking to me." She continued to stare at the television, even though I could tell she wasn't watching what was on the screen. I sighed loudly. "I was a jerk. Sometimes boyfriends can be jerks, doesn't mean you stop talking to them." More silence. "You get that I'm saying sorry, right?"

"You didn't tell me, you got a job offer in another state and you didn't tell me. And I yelled and then I walked away. And now you show up here," she said, finally looking at me again.

"Of coruse I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You don't trust me?" I asked, trying to keep any panic out of my voice.

"I do," she responded.

"Okay, well this is how it works. You fight sometimes and somebody apologizes," I said, finally moving further into the room.

"Well how am I supposed to know that?" she asked me.

There was so much uncertainty in her eyes. "You've never done this before," I suddenly realized.

"No," she said shaking her head. "I've never done this before. With Ryan it wasn't like this. It was easy and comfortable and not like this. So no I've never done this before."

I moved from my spot again, slipping onto the couch into the spot that Izzie had vacated. My hand found it's way into hers. "Hmm...Okay, all right," I nodded. "Well, this is - From now on you can expect that I'm going to show up. Even if you yell, even if I yell, I'm always going to show up. Okay?"

"Okay," she nodded as I reached over and rubbed her cheek gently.

To my surprise she leaned closer to me, letting her lips meet mine, gently at first but with a growing urgency as my hands found their way to the side of her face and pulled her closer. Her tongue found it's way into my mouth and I let out a small moan of pleasure. It felt good tasting her again.

"I'm sorry," she said, sadly pulling away from me.

"Mer, you had every right to be mad. I should have told you, the second I got the call I should have told you," I said, running my fingers through her hair as she rested her head against my chest.

She nodded against my chest and remained quiet as I twirled my fingers through the golden strands, enjoying the weight of her head against my chest and the smell of lavender that surrounded us. "I don't want you to give up your career for me," she said.

"What?" I asked, confused as she pulled herself away from me to meet my confused gazed.

"You turned it down because of me. And I don't want you to do that, Derek. This is your carreer, this is what you've always wanted. You can't just give it up for me," she told me.

"Who said I was giving it up?" I asked her, giving her a charming half smile. Or what I thought was charming, she usually rolled her eyes at it.

"But you said..." Meredith started.

"I said that I turned down Maine. Because you can't come with me. Eventually you'll be able to so until that time comes, I'm here. In Seattle," I told her, nodding and smiling as I saw the hope and happiness in her eyes.

"Oh, okay," she whispered, nestling back into my chest.

"I love you, Mer," I whispered against the top of her head.

"I love you too, Der," she responded.

And then her lips were on mine again, hard and passionate. Her nerves and anger from before all forgoten, replaced with an urgency that I had felt all day. As my tongue explored her mouth, my hands found their way up her shirt, Her finger deftly fell on my belt.

"Maybe we should take this upstairs," I replied, my voice husky as I pulled away slightly.

She nodded, her lips immediately back on mine. My hands found her ass, holding it firmly as I pushed off the couch, bringing her with me as she wrapped her legs around mine, not seperating her lips from mine for a second. I loved the feel of her body against mine, her breast strained with arrousal pressing tight against my chest, her tongue delving in and out of my mouth. Nothing in the world had ever felt better than this. It took all my strength to not stop and take her right here. But if we got caught we'd never live it down. She moaned in delight as her hands lightly tugged at my hair just as we reached the stairs. My foot caught on a discarded laundry basket sitting on the stairs, and we tripped, both tumbling to the ground.

"It always looks a lot easier than that in the movies," I moaned.

She giggled loudy, rolling over to wrap herself around me. "And here I thought you were my Prince Charming."

"Prince Charming never carried his princess up the stairs," I said rolling my eyes, joining her laughter as we both got back up. "You okay?"

"No, I'm horny and my boyfriend wants to talk," she giggled, pulling me close and giving me a hard kiss. She let me go and ran up the stairs, leaving me to chase after her.

She was in her bed room, laying giggling and breathless on her bad. I wanted to stand there and study her, drink her in. But then the giggle died in her throat as she noticed me standing there and the heat in her eyes returned. I could drink her in later.

Seconds later I was on the bed, clothes being torn off with complete abandon, small giggles escaping in between heated kisses. Sex hadn't been this carefree since I was a teenager. But Meredith and I, we were finally together and in love and we had made it through our first couple fight. So I giggled as I kissed her. Her hands found me and all giggling stopped as she began to stroke me, soflly and slowly at fist, a devilish smile on her lips as her mouth began to explore my body. She rained soft kisses over my chest and stomach, her hand continuing it's masterful stroke. As her tongue swirled around my nipple, her hand travelled lower and she gently squeezed my balls, I let out a loud moan.

"God, Mer..." And then her mouth was lower, taking me fully into her mouth. Her tongue and lips began to explore my length. She started slowly, kissing softly and licking a little harder. She held my eyes the entire time. But soon she picked up pace, as her lips quickly traveled the length of my shaft, her teeth lightly rubbing up against it. I felt my body begin to tighten and breathed deeply to warn it off.

"Mer," I muttered, surprised to hear the husky shakiness of my voice. "Now. I need you now."

In a quick motion her mouth left me as she leaned over and pulled a condom from the drawer, opened the package and slipped it onto my erection. And then she adjusted herself and slid herself onto me, her tightness and warmth surrounding me. She smiled at me again, the devilish, reserved only for sex smile, as she slowly began to rock back and forth, grinding her clit against me. The movement was slow and steady, completely in time with our breathing and it wasn't long before I felt her tighten around me, her body arching as the spasm of her orgasm took over her.

"Derek..." she moaned collapsing into my arms.

I rolled over, so I was on top of her, her breathing still hard as after shocks of her orgasm shot through her body. She was beautiful when she came. Feeling her muscles tighten around me, I pushed into her deeper and harder before pulling back. We moved together, slowly at first, picking up pace as our bodies heatened and tightened in anticipation. Soon her body was shaking with tension again, as everything around my tightened and her face scrunched up in the final moment before the small explosion and everything released. My release soon followed, as I collapsed onto of her, her heavily beating heart beating against my cheek, as our sweaty skin stuck together.

"Thanks," she whispered as I pulled out and rolled off of her.

"For what?" I asked.

"I don't know, just...thanks."

I just smiled and drank her in.

_And the universe has been changed because we touched._

**So they made up...and he's always going to show up. and then they had really really hot sex. And honestly what else is there to say about this chapter? Derek realizes he should have told her right away and apologized. Mer knows she overreacted and apologized. And they love each other. And then there was the really hot sex. Seems pretty straight forward to me, lol. **

**Oh to answer some questions, well one question...there's 2 chapters and an epilogue left. And the next chapter will be up either tonight or tomorrow before the show. Depends on how many reviews I get hint hint nudge nudge**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	49. You Found Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show. And I honestly can't think of a creative way to say that...so yeah, Shonda, if you're reading this just know for a fact that I'm aware that I don't own the show. I wish I did.**

**Sorry that this has taken ages and ages to get up. My laptop broke and it was all saved on it. So I had to send it out and wait till it got back. And I got it back like 2 hours ago, so now I am FINALLY updating. And it's kind of filler, just a fun way to show the the after math of the last chapter and bring you to the next chapter, which is the last chapter if you don't count the epilogue. **

**Enjoy!**

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Derek's car was still parked outside. That had to be a good sign. He hadn't ran away, Meredith hadn't pushed him away. This had to be a good thing. I entered the house without bothering to knock and found the pretty blonde friend in the kitchen covered in flower.

"Flour covered? I don't think I've ever been with someone covered with flour before," I laughed.

'What do you want?" she asked, giving me a dirty look. A completely unwaranted dirty look.

"I came to make sure that my best friend was still alive," I told her.

Suddenly I heard a muffled cry coming from upstairs that sounded like Meredith. It was answered by a moan that sounded like Derek. Actually I knew it was Derek, living with him in college had taught me that sound far too well. The blonde rolled her eyes. "I came home to that. And they haven't stopped."

"He's been here for three hours," I said, disbelieving that my best friend had it in him.

"Yeah, well, apparently he's that good," Izzie said, slamming the spoon against the side of the bowl and groaning in frustration.

"Has someone not been getting any?" I asked, lauging and moving to lean against the counter beside her.

"That is none of your busines," she growled.

"I can help with that," I winked at her.

"I'm sure you can," she rolled her eyes again. She seemed to do that a lot. And it sounded like she might have muttered pig under her breath.

"I'm Mark by the way," I introduced myself, holding out my hand to her.

"Izzie," she said, taking my hand, all the annoyance melting from her face being replaced by a warm smile.

Something banged repeatedly from upstairs, and was joined from a very female yell that sounded like the name Derek. I laughed loudly, much to Izzie's annoyance. For years Derek had been complaining to me about his sex life, or lack there of. It was about time he actually got some action. And the fact that it annoyed Izzie, the pretty perky blonde, was just an added bonus.

"Laugh, you think this is funny?" she said, sticking out her spoon for me to grab. "You are going to make these cupcakes with me. And in another three hours we'll see how much you're laughing,"

"If he lasts another 3 hours I'll be giving him a medal," I laughed ignoring the spoon.

"Fine, but right now you're helping me," she pushed the spoon towards me.

"I don't cook," I pouted at her.

"Would you rather just stand around and listen to those to?" she asked me.

"I can think of other things we can do to pass the time," I said raising my eyebrow at her.

Izzie opened her mouth to answer but suddenly Derek ran into the room. Actually more like skipped but I wasn't ready to admit that my best friend was skipping anywhere. He only wore his boxers and a wrinkled t-shirt, his hair was a mess. And he looked more relaxed than I had seen him since before med-school. Since before Addison.

"Derek, could you slow down up there? Because you're going to give me a bad name," I told him slapping him on the back.

"Mark, this has nothing to do with me trying to touch your reputation," he told me a smile spread across his face. I wanted to be happy for him, but he looked a little too happy."Unless of course it's working, am I more of a stud than you are?"

"No, Shep," I shook my head. "Studs don't get all goo goo over one lady. You're just sad."

"Well my lady is hungry," he smiled, looking around the kitchen for something.

"Those cupcakes just came out, you can take them up to her," Izzie told him pointing to the full plate near the stove.

"Thanks, Izz, you're the best," Derek said, giving Izzie a quick kiss on the cheek and grabbing the plate, shaking his hips to the music that played softly in the background.

"What the hell have you people done to my best friend?" I asked looking at the man standing in front of me. Since become a doctor he had become serious and mature, he never smiled much, he always looked perfectly pulled together. His marriage was boring but that had been okay, because so had the rest of his life. Now he stood here, his hair rumbled and his clothes wrinkled. He was smiling like an idiot and dancing to some cheesy pop music. He wasn't the same man.

"I'm happy, Mark. You might consider trying it out some time," Derek said, giving me a look that made me wonder if he was thinking about kissing me.

"I'm happy, man," I argued.

"No, you're a manwhore, you're not happy," he said, nodding his head and doing his run, not skip because that wasn't manly enough, back out of the room.

"I'm not a manwhore," I tried to tell Izzie.

"You've been here ten minutes and you've already propositioned me twice. I think that constitutes manwhore," I zzie said laughing at me.

"Well, I'm happy," I tried again.

"The verdict is still out on that one," she shrugged. "Now are you going to help me or not?" she asked, obviously pretending not to hear the giggles that had errupted from upstairs.

_And I was hiding, till you came along, and showed me where I belong._

**So yeah, that was a nothing update. Just some wierd Mark and Izzie scene while they listen to Derek and Meredith have sex upstairs. Because they're loud...or at least they used to be before Shonda went nuts. And then Derek came downstairs and he was so happy and different than the man Mark used to know, which is why I chose to put it in Mark's perspective, to really highlight the change in Derek. So yeah, nothing really happened.**

**Update either later tonight or tomorrow...depends on how many comments I get, lol.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	50. Once in a Lifetime

**Disclaimer: Oh the happiness that is this update. The actual show isn't that huge of fan of happiness and light...so this update makes it quite clear that I'm not someone who owns the show.**

**Sorry this took some time to get up. I've been working on my other fic (Helpless When She Smiles) and just generally busy. And then I had a fight with the parents and they ended up taking away my laptop and yeah, things got complicated. But I'm finally get this update now. It's basically just following the last one, after Derek goes back upstairs. And yes, this is the last official chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

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I was smiling.

Really smiling.

Meredith Grey did many things, but smile wasn't one of them. At least not smiling like this. This was a real smile, a real happy perfect smile. I hadn't lived a life that taught me to believe in happily ever afters, I had never imagined great things for myself. But now my Derek was downstairs finding me something to eat, and I was laying in bed naked and happy.

"Cupcakes, your kitchen is full of cupcakes," Derek said re-entering the room, a plate full of Izzie's chocolate cupcakes in his one hand.

"Wonder what's bugging Izzie now," I said, frowning as I bit into a cupcake.

"At the moment it's named Mark," he laughed, slipping back onto the bed beside me.

"Mark's over?" I asked, passing him a cupcake.

"Yes," he nodded biting into the cupcake and giving a small moan of pleasure. I tried to not let it remind me of the noises he had been making less than an hour before. "Apparently he thinks you've destroyed me."

I giggled softly, leaning against him. "In that case, I guess the plan worked."

"Plan? There was a plan?" he asked,through a mouth full of chocolate.

"The destroy McDreamy plan. And apparently it worked," I responded.

"I'm completely destroyed," he nodded his head smiling at you. "I love you, Meredith Grey."

"I love you too, Derek Shepherd," I said. My cheeks hurt, they actually litterally hurt from all the smiling that I was doing. This was not good, this was not natural. He had destroyed me.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, munching on our cupcakes, playing footsies at the end of the bed. I loved his feet. Me, the destroyed Meredith actualy love the man's feet. It was quite absurd and silly. And honest. There wasn't part of him that I didn't love. But looking at his feet next to mine, softly nudging them, I loved his feet. It was nice being this happy, entirely wrong but nice.

"So what now? What do...what's going to happen now?" I finally asked, my mouth shaking with doubt.

"Now I believe we live the happily ever after," Derek said smiling like a little kid.

"And what exactly does that entitle?" I giggled again.

"It entitles going steady with me," he said, shifting on the bed so he was facing me.

"Steady?" I giggled again, almost embarassed at the amount of times I had giggled this morning. "Are we in high school, Der?"

"Yes," he nodded seriously, taking a ring off his finger and held it up in front of my hand that he tightly grasped. "Meredith, will you go steady with me?"

"You're an idiot," I laughed.

"Is that a yes?" he asked, laughing as well. It was probably slightly disgusting how much we were both laughing. We had destroyed each other apparently.

"I think it is," I smiled as he slipped the ring onto my finger. It was far too big for me and would never stay in place. There was no where I could actually wear his ring. Besides that would be cheesy, and insane and cheesy. I did not wear guy's rings. No one did that anymore, least of all me. But it felt good, the warmness his hand had left on it pressed across my finger. It felt really good,

"Maybe it needs a chain," Derek laughed spinnig the ring around on my finger.

"Der, I'm not wearing your ring," I told him.

"Why not?" he frowned with confusion. "We're going steady."

"Derek, people don't go steady anymore. They date, they see each other, they are together, but they don't go steady," I tried to explain to him.

"We go steady," Derek tried to urge me.

And then his lips were on mine, soft but urging. He didn't taste like Derek right now, he tasted like Izzie's chocolate cupcakes. I shifted in bed, pulling him on top of me as he let out a small moan of pleasure. I slipped my tongue inside his mouth, running it over his teeth, urging him closer to me.

"Mer," he whispered pulling away for a second.

I pulled him close again, my lips smashing against his. Suddenly I was desperate for him, to hold him close and to kiss him. Because he was finally here, in my bed, exactly where I had wanted him all along. And right now I wanted him, only him. Inside me. Again. This was not good. We had to work tomorrow, we had to work together tomorrow. And life would be complicated if we couldn't keep our clothes on in the operating room. This constant wanting of him could not last, at all.

"Will I always want you this much?" I asked him in a hushed whisper.

"I don't know," he answered, his arms wrapped around me.

"Will I always love you this much?" I asked him.

"You better," he answered, laughing and kissing me quickly. I deepened the kiss, exploring his mouth yet again. I definitely could get used to this kissing thing.

"Mer," he said pulling away much to my annoyance. "Just so you know, I'm in this. I know it's taken far too long to figure things out, and since the moment we met it's been a mess, but I'm in this. There is no way I'm ever going anywhere again. You're stuck with me, I'm in this."

"Good," I nodded, feeling tears prickle my eyes. "Me too. I mean, I'm in this too."

"And you're terrified," he said.

"And I'm terrified," I responded, rolling off of him and getting out of bed to start slipping back into my clothes."I love you, Der. I do. And I want this, I need this. But my life, it hasn't prepared me for this. Nothing in my life has ever taught me how to be this happy. And I love it, I love being happy. I just don't know how. I can do content, but happy is, it's scary."

"You'll get used to it," he told me, grabbing a second cupcake.

"It's just..." I sighed, not knowing how to word exactly what was going on in my head. "Ryan and I, we weren't like this. We were together, but there was no, it didn't feel like it was going to be forever, I didn't want it forever. We were content, but that was it With you, everything, it's all different. This is forever, I know it is. Marriage, babies, it's all. And I'm happy, we're happy. Really happy. I just don't know how to handle it," I rambled, pulling my shirt on.

"You breathe," he told me pressing his hands on my shoulders. "You breathe and you take each day as it comes."

I leaned forward and gently kissed him, loving the softness of his mouth on me. He was something else, and he was mine. I just had to remember to breathe. "So this is the happily ever after?"

"This is the happily ever after part," he responded kissing me quickly again.

"And that makes me the princess. And you my knight in shining whatever," I said slowly.

"I'm your knight in shining whatever," he nodded, giving me the McDreamy look. I loved the McDreamy look.

"I don't need a knight in shining whatever," I told him, holding my chin up stubbornly.

"I know you don't," he nodded again.

"But I think I want one," I said, giggling.

He leaned forward and kissed me again, heat seared through my body. Maybe Derek was right, maybe I could get used to this happy stuff.

_And don't fear it now, we're going all the way, and that sun is shinin' on a brand new day._

**So they're happy. Like really stupid totally happy...which neither of them really know how to deal with. When they met they were both in places in their lives where they were content but that was it. It didn't go further than that. And now they're completely utterly happy. Which is great. And I honestly don't have much else to say beside that. Happy...lots and lots of happiness...and kissing...and love. Sigh.**

**I'll update with the epilogue later tonight hopefully.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	51. Won't Let You Down

**Disclaimer: It is far too hot in Ontario right now. So add that to the list of reasons summer sucks. No Grey's and stupid hot. If I owned the show at least we'd get Grey's during the summer.**

**So here it is...the epilogue. It's jumped in time as my epilogues always do...because you know if you've read my stuff (at least my first fic, I mentioned it there) that I'm all for knowing what happened after the story, the happily ever after part and all of that. So this epilogue jumps to some years later and where they ended up as a couple. Yay!**

**Enjoy!**

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"Mer!" I called as I walked into the house, expecting to find her relaxing in front of the television. Instead the family room was empty. And so was the kitchen. And the entire first floor. "Meredith?"

"In the washroom," Meredith yelled, her voice sounding strained.

"You okay?" I asked, running up the stairs. She hadn't been feeling well the last couple of days, and I was worried. Worried because I didn't like when Meredith wasn't feeling very well. Worried because our wedding was two weeks away, and we had a lot of last minute things and Meredith was stressed out enough. She didn't need to be sick.

"Yeah," a muffeled sound came from the door where I now stood.

"Have you been crying?" I asked, knocking gently, not quite sure why she would be, the it sounded like she was.

"No, I'm just, it's nothing Derek, I'm fine," her voice came from the other side of the door.

Taking a deep breath I opened the door, my heart beating hard at the thoughts of what might be on the other side. I was surprised to find Meredith sitting on the edge of the tub, with four empty boxes sprawled on the ground around her. Three sticks sat beside her on the edge of the tub, another was in her hands. And she sat there looking shocked. "Meredith?"

"We're pregnant," she said, her voice sounding a thousand miles away.

"We're pregnant?" I asked.

"We're pregnant," she nodded.

And then I was across the room, pulling her off the edge of the tub and into my arms. My cheeks immediately hurt from smiling so widly, and they were immediately wet with tears. I was going to be a daddy, Meredith and I were having a baby. This was everything I had ever dreamed of. She hugged me back tightly for a second but than I put her down. "Are you okay?"

"I...I don't know," she mumbbled, the excitement of moments before.

"Mer?" I asked her, worried. We had never talked about having children, in all the wedding plans and time together and everything else, we had never talked about babies. After Addison I was worried to. Meredith was the love of my life, I didn't want to hear her say she didn't want children either.

"It's just...I didn't have a mom. I had Dr. Ellis Grey but I definitely didn't have a mom. I don't...I don't know how to do this, at all. I have no idea how to do this. I've never even thought about doing this, this wasn't in the cards for me. I didn't want to be a mom, I don't want to have a kid. I just...no, Derek, this is bad. I can't do this, we can't do this," she rambled. Usually her rambling was adorable, now it just scared me.

"Oh,' I said letting my face drop a little but trying not to let my dissapointment show.

"I just don't know if keep it is the best idea," she said in a tiny voice.

I looked up to find her hiding her face in her hands. I could almost hear the thoughts going through her head, she was probably replaying every single complaint I had ever made about Addison, ever off handed remark about how everything had become a mess after she had decided she didn't want to have children. I could see the worry in her face and knew she was terrified that if she gave up this baby, she'd be giving up me. So I nodded my head, keeping my emotions to myself. Because Meredith not wanting children would hurt, but I'd get through it for her. "It's up to you."

"It's...no it can't be up to me, you...you want a child. You get an opinion," Meredith argued.

"In that case, I want this child. I've always wanted the child and having one with you, my Meredith, sounds like the best thing on earth. I want you to keep this baby. But if this isn't what you want, if you really don't want this, I will still love you. You're enough for me," I told her honestly.

"Okay," she nodded, wipping away a few tears. "I still don't know if I can do this. I have no role model, I'm going to make a lot of mistakes."

"Every mother does," I tried to reassure her.

"I'm going to make more mistakes than most," she told me. "I'm going to be a terrible mother."

"You will be an amazing mother," I told her. "Besides I'll be here. And I will definitely be an amazing father."

She giggled at that and fell back into my arms. "You will be."

We stood like that for a while, holding each other in the middle of the washroom. Apparently I was going to be a dad. And Meredith was going to be a mom.

"How the hell did we get here?" Meredith asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"I don't know," I sighed. It had been three years since I had asked her to go steady over cupcakes, and that was still one of our favourite stories. The first year and a half had been spent with a skittish Meredith as she tried to adapt being half of what Seattle Grace employees had dubbed the hospitals cutest couple. The year after that had been spent with a ring in my pocket trying to find the best moment to propose. Which ended up being in bed over cupcakes. And the last six months had been spent pulling together the wedding, which should have been simple enough since it was small, but with our schedules it was a hard juggling act. And now we were pregnant and two weeks away from the wedding date.

"I'm happy we're here, though," she said.

"Me too," I smiled down at her.

"So we're going to do this. The parent thing. Me and you, two busy neurosurgeons, we're going to do the parent thing," Meredith rambled a little.

"We're going to do the parent thing," I nodded smiling at her.

"We should go, we're supposed to meet everyone at Joe's soon," she informed me.

"We should," I nodded still smiling at her.

But neither of us moved, neither of us even made an effort to move. We just stood together, our arms wrapped around each other, holding tight to each other in the middle of a messy washroom. In two weeks Meredith Grey would become my wife. In less than nine months she would give birth to my first child. That first night when her laughter had captured me in the bar I would have never predicted that my life would end up here.

Not that I was complaining.

_And every step along the highway of your life, I'll be the man standing beside you._

**So there you go. Thanks for being patient with this fic, I know it's been posted in a pretty chunky timeline...everything that could have gone has. So thanks for sticking by it and being patient with me. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it...as it really was my first story that was completely totally AU. But yes, thanks for enjoying and all the amazing reviews. It's the fans that keep me writing.**

**This is done now...but Helpless is still going and I have another fic ready to start posting, which I will do either later tonight or tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


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